I can't control the Damage, it controls me

[sigiriuk]

So much anger inside - I am in denial about most of it.
I have been in denial that other people caused me to hate myself, mentally and emotionally; denial that I have lived with this rage for my whole life;
denial that I do not control it; and denial that this  damage was caused by emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
The anger is, for me, another expression of emotional dysregulation.
I am lost.
Slim

[Dee]

The flower that blooms is adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.

I could be wrong, but I detect awareness in your post.  It is the first step in becoming more healthy.  Though I joke that awareness sucks 

Standing with you!

[sigiriuk]

Thank you Dee for your kind and keen observations

[Three Roses]

Feeling lost, stuck, and alone is very familiar to me. With the help of my therapist I'm starting a different dialogue in my head. I can start fresh, completely, each day if I have to. I am not defined by anything other than what I choose, conciously and subconsciously.

Standing with you, slim - you're not alone!   

[sigiriuk]

I don't feel so alone now, thanks Three Roses

[Candid]

Anger is a major part of my repertoire, as well. Just don't know what to do with it. I no longer cry or have SI. Is this progress?

[sigiriuk]

Reflecting on yesterday's post,
1. I know other people have this anger inside of them, just like me, and it is a symptoms of emotional dysregulation
2. I won't blame myself or call myself a bad person for feeling self destructive - it's an uncontrollable symptom of the damage. Like a sneeze is an uncontrollable symptom of Flu.
3. I do not know how I coped with all this fury and rage as a little child, it's heartbreaking.

Candid - you are not alone, we all have these bodily feelings of rage and anger, and yes, it hurts like heck. If the anger didn't hurt, or puzzle us, then we would be sociopaths..and we are not.

[GlassChild]

I struggle with rage a lot, as well. Usually I'm not even aware of it, I'll get the urge to throw whatever I'm holding and I'm trained myself to be like, wait, something just got to me, and I have to work backwards.

I regret those times in my life where the urge came on too fast and I ended up acting out in violence at whatever was upsetting me.

You're not alone.

[sigiriuk]

Hi GlassChild

I always thought "control" was a dirty word. My adopted parents are total control freaks.

I had this notion that i should not have to control my anger, but that somehow, with therapy, my violent rages and self-destructive urges would diminish.

Today, I was reflecting again on my original post.

Now I believe that people normally have mechanism to control the intensity of emotions. That control mechanism has been damaged by abuse.

Have also come to realise that the nature of these disturbing emotions, is the result  of being damaged by abuse. Normal people don't have such distorted emotions.

This all makes sense to me, and hope it will help either you or someone else reading this, to find some understanding and healing.

Peace and love

Slim

[Elphanigh]

Slim I can relate a lot. I am finding that I have a lot of anger towards myself, that has really created a toxic inner dialogue and caused me to lash out at myself more than anything when I feel like things are going poorly. Not exactly what you are talking about but it is hard to feel like we are in control of this anger. It is confusing and makes me feel very lost too.

You are not alone. It sounds like you are becoming really aware of your emotions and some of the sources. That is such huge progress. Standing with you always 

[sigiriuk]

Hi Elphanigh
Thank you for your note. My self-destructive rage/fury is the most difficult reminder for me. It tells me never to forget that the abuse, and subsequent emotional damage was so bad, that it warped my thoughts. My mind spontaneously generates really frightening and cruel urges, and thoughts which I have no ability to control; and I can't stop acting on them.

Again reflecting on my original post, I can see my anger is a "bullet proof" armour, that makes me feel powerful and not frightened......just what a little boy needs to cope with horrible abuse. It kept me alive in one way.

Slim 

[ah]

I hope it's okay I'm posting here late, wanted to add my thoughts in case they make sense to others too.

I've been thinking about anger too. Or maybe fury, "anger" feels too weak a word for it.
I notice it's always the result of a trigger, there's always a reason for my anger. And when I'm so furious that I feel consumed by my anger, controlled by the Damage it does, then that's just how dangerous my surroundings were. It's an acknowledgment of the danger I truly was in.

I'm with you Slim, I can't imagine how we survived such levels of anger.

I do remember, when I was very, very small - maybe 4-7 years old? Probably happened endless times but I remember experiencing something I thought was a heart attack. I was being emotionally abused very sadistically and I stood there feeling so utterly helpless, angrier and angrier, and I thought I was losing my mind collapsed. I remember thinking "This can't be, kids so young don't have heart attacks!" I didn't know about anxiety attacks. But now, adult me looks back and sees how you and I survived such anger, we were mortally wounded by it because a feeling that should have been natural and harmless became a tool for torture. First torturing us, and now we do the self-torturing ourselves. Sigh...

I agree with you 100%, it's like a sneeze.
I guess in the past it was a mighty SNEEZE that kept us alive in totally unbearable circumstances. I wish we could reclaim it, it was used against us but it's been there all along to protect us.

[sigiriuk]

Hi Ah
Those are painful memories. Terrifying to look back on, it helps to know that other people here do the same every day, all the time - horrid flashbacks.
Thanks for posting, as reading your comment, made me go over my original post, which is always helpful.

My internal anger is like my externalised anger, both exist and are healthy emotions, but the way they spiral out of control like a sneeze, is the problem. Emotional Dysregulation!!

Slim

[sanmagic7]

emotional dysregulation, indeed.

having my emotions denied, i ended up not having many.  can't remember being angry at all, no matter what, for most of my teen and adult years.  i was tolerant, patient, and understanding instead.  never got down on myself, nothing neg. about what i did/said, altho i was continually striving to be perfect at everything at all times.  came to believe i was, as a matter of fact.

how dysregulated is that.  last year, i discovered this lack of emotions (can't verbalize, recognize, or understand what i'm feeling) is called alexithymia.   yes, dysregulation comes from chronic abuse, and the brain is wounded in a way that it is not able to regulate emotional responses correctly/normally.  it's not our fault that it's become default.

reading your original post, slim, i, too, see awareness there.  if you're aware of your denial, it's no longer denial, is it.  this stuff works in mysterious ways.    big hug to you.