Just saying hi

[Kada]

Hi everyone,

I've been looking around the forums for a while and finally registered.
Not sure what I want to say, except 'hi'. I feel mostly confused atm.

I'm a female in my early thirties. Was in therapy 10 years ago for depression, worked through some stuff (ACOA, burned myself out, attachment issues, etc.). Thought things were getting better. Started working, was socialising more, started relationships. Felt more hopeful and confident. About a year ago I had a bit of a traumatic (I guess) break-up with my partner, which ended in court. Stuff he did, which I was shocked about. But also about me not seeing things and not protecting myself from what was an unhealthy relationship. Made me feel like I'm back to square one.
I just kept going after that. I have issues with dissociation and I'm isolating quite a bit atm. Been in therapy again for the past year (both psychotherapy and bodywork) but I'm not getting anywhere. Can't talk really and don't feel much most of the time. I just shut down and I get angry or somewhat panicky about it at times and feel like throwing everything overboard. I guess I feel like I'm just not capable of having a 'normal' life, whatever that means. Like I can't really feel safe with anyone, or hold on to a feeling of relative safety and feel connected to people and I guess life in general. Gosh, that's sounds dramatic 

So yeah, hi, I'm Kada 

[Candid]

Welcome, Kada!  I feel the same way as you do.

[GlassChild]

Hi Kada! I'm also coming out of a breakup that, in hindsight, I should have never been in. I often feel the urge to isolate and shut down. All symptoms of our upset, I assume. I'm glad you've finally registered! I look forward to helping you on your journey.

[Dee]

Welcome!

I just wanted to mention that recovery is a series of ups and downs.  It would be so much easier if it were linear, but it's not.  I believe we need to be gentle on ourselves when we have a down.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Kada     I could have written your post (we say that a lot around here  , except that I was in the same place about three years ago.  What changed for me was finding out I have CPTSD and then focusing my recovery efforts on that (instead of chronic depression which I was diagnosed with early on, going to ACOA which I did as well, etc).  That's when I did start to make progress because I knew what I was dealing with finally.   

When you know about CPTSD it's easier to understand why your relationship went as it did and why you are reacting by isolating and dissociating. It is a normal reaction to being traumatized again, it taps into past trauma we haven't worked through and boom you end up feeling as though are struggling to stay afloat.  It starts to make more sense when you do look at the past and how it plays out in the present and one way is by talking about it with others who understand what you are going through and struggle with the same or similar symptoms.  The other might be to consider more therapy but with a professional who is trained in and experienced with treating trauma (preferably Complex PTSD specifically rather than PTSD).

As you can see from my tag line, I believe that self-compassion is particularly important for those of us with this disorder so if you can manage to, please be gentle with yourself as Dee suggests.

[Kada]

Thanks everyone, it'd be easier if recovery were linear indeed. I have a hard time showing compassion towards myself. I just feel stupid, as if I haven't learned a thing over the past decade. Looking at the past just makes me think in terms of 'why aren't you over it yet, it wasn't that bad' or 'Stop being such a victim'.
Also, I guess I rationalize a lot of my FOO's or my ex-partner's behaviour because they did what they did because of things they probably went through.
I worry about my therapy sessions because I often don't feel like I have anything to say, or I forget. And I dissociate quite often, it holds me back, and I'm scared my therapists will get fed up. My talk therapist asked about it last time and what I do to prevent it but I just keep on saying that I should move around. Sitting in a chair I just go still and start staring and it makes things worse. But when at times I actually catch myself doing it, I feel like I can't motivate myself to get up and walk around. It scares me but I can't really voice that to my therapist when it happens. He's nice though, they both are (I do body work with a osteopath who has experience in working with trauma) and they both really want to respect my boundaries. At time I guess they are even more aware of them than I am. But every time I have a session coming up, I worry about it.

[Frederica]

Hello Kada! 

Showing compassion for yourself can be so, so hard. I have those very same thoughts when I'm in a low spot - feeling stupid, feeling like I should just get over it already...
This sounds totally silly, but one thing that I find helps a little is to picture myself as something obviously deserving of compassion - like a baby bunny. And then I try not to do or say anything to myself that I wouldn't do or say to that nice bunny. 

[Blueberry]

This sounds totally silly, but one thing that I find helps a little is to picture myself as something obviously deserving of compassion - like a baby bunny. And then I try not to do or say anything to myself that I wouldn't do or say to that nice bunny. 

That's brilliant Frederica! Not silly. Whatever works for us is good.
I don't think I've ever done that before, picture myself as a nice cute little animal. Thanks for the idea!