EMDR and some fears

[Elphanigh]

Hi all, I have read through the other EMDR threads and hoping maybe there has been some more experience with it since some of the older ones. If not posting about this may help me settle some fears.

I have done some EMDR but we had to take a pause because we stepped over my threshold for what I could handle when we did one. It spiraled for a bit. I have leveled out enough we began doing my timeline in session so she could fully see what my past is like. I have never done this for anyone, not even fully for myself. I gp a ways through it on my own, but we have gotten to that point in session so it will all be new.
Has anyone else done this, and have advice? I am worried she will see the rest of it and think it is too much for her to help me fix... I am worried like others she will run.

Also has anyone done EMDR with new memories? I know I need to confront the new memory but it is still pretty raw. I see my therapist tonight and am just nervous because so much has happened and my wounds are still pretty open...

[Candid]

My understanding of EMDR is that you start with the earliest stuff and keep working on it until it loses most of its power, after which later trauma is supposed to collapse by itself.

I'm sorry you got triggered. I too have a whole catalog of trauma, and am on a very long waiting list for therapy. Hugs to you for your courage and perseverance.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Candid. I think my therapist has learned better my threshold so I shouldn't get triggered due to that again. I am not sure what we will do though. I think we are trying to figure out where best to start to make sure I can handle it. I am not as able as I would like to be to just jump in head first...

I am sorry you also have a catalog of trauma, and that you have to wait so long. I really hope the rest of the wait goes quickly

[sanmagic7]

hey,

sorry you got triggered so badly, elphinigh.  unfortunately, that sometimes happens.  actually, it happened to me during my emdr training!  i ended up blubbering all over the place, and one of the instructors had to help me settle down.  i had no idea that the issue i wanted to deal with would be so strongly overpowering.

sometimes, it is a bit of a touch and go situation.  these memories, these traumas can take on a life of their own at times.  it sounds like you and your t were able to work through it and get you settled in a space where you were finally more comfortable.  it also sounds like your t was able to learn more about you, and i always think learning is a good thing.

please remember, you are showing great courage by doing this, and you can be very pleased and proud with yourself for that.  you are going after the beast, and i give you all kinds of credit for such determination and fortitude.  this isn't easy by any means.  your strength and your heart are showing by the fact that you are going back, even tho you had a difficult session last time.

from what i know of emdr and other trauma therapists, they are healers and they care a great deal about their clients.  as far as i know, they do not run from a challenge, but find ways to help you disentangle yourself from all that has been crushing the life out of you.  you do also have the ability while in session to stop at any time if it seems overwhelming or just plain 'too much' for you.  there's no weakness in that - it's termed self-realization and self-care. 

there may be times when we therapists just aren't aware of how troublesome a memory, thought, or feeling might be to a client, but we want to know.  we don't want to re-traumatize you.  this is your recovery, above all - your pace.  take the time you need - you'll get there, and every good t will want that for you, all the while staying by your side.  i have faith.  i hope it goes well.   big hug. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you San. I needed that. I forget it is a strength just to go back and to try to fight, I feel so weak when I am unable to do things... like that timeline my T asked me to think about if it was too much for me... she didn't want to overwhelm me... I felt like I had failed that she was worried I couldn't do that.... that my last t was wrong about me being ready for emdr... that I have well less of the work done than I or she imagined..

I feel like I am failing a bit...

[sanmagic7]

elphanigh,

i don't see you failing, even if it feels like it to you.  i think we've had, too many times, unrealistic expectations placed on us to do everything just right all the time, so any time we don't live up to 'those' expectations, we think of it as failure.

the real failure was the unrealistic nature of expecting us to be perfect all the time.  i've battled with this myself, still do at times.  it's nasty, for sure.  i think we just need more practice in giving ourselves permission to be realistic about being human.  failing at something does not equate to being a failure as a person.  we all fail at being perfect.

it may be that the concept of failing has been given too much neg. weight in our lives.  if we make a mistake, we've often been taught that we've failed, and that we're somehow horrible for doing that.  i say nay nay.  my belief is that mistakes are nothing more than opportunities for learning.  grab my hand and we'll jump to the moon together.   ooops!  we failed.  couldn't do it, couldn't jump to the moon.  so, what did that teach us?   just that it's not within our capability to do so.  but, ya know what?  at least we gave it a shot.  i think that's worth a lot.   

[Elphanigh]

Sanmagic7,

Thank you for reminding me of all of this and not seeing me as failing. It is good to hear, I am trying to be more patient and kind to myself. You are right about having so many expectations placed on us that it is easy to see anything that isn't living up to those as a failure. That is spot on for my life... and most of what I am feeling right now.

Thank you for offering your experience with this. Hopefully I will come to be wise enough to be able to view these things kind of like you do. I am working on it. We have given it a shot, that must be worth something you are right.

Thank you, have been struggling a lot for a few days so this means the world.