Had an episode last night, feeling guilty

[GlassChild]

I was in a weird mood all day yesterday so I should have known something was coming but I had my first episode since moving out alone. In retrospect it wasn't nearly as bad as ones I have had with other people around but I feel super guilty because I reached out to people who lived near me in case I needed help and trying to example myself to someone who doesn't already know, on short notice, while in an episode is not an ideal situation and now I'm just so worried that my friends think I'm crazy.

On the plus side, after 20 minutes of spastic chatter and panick, I was able to forcibly get "eat and take your meds" through to myself and I took my meds and ate. I've never been able to get myself to take my meds on my own during an episode before, so I am really proud of that victory, but it's not really doing anything with the shame of having shared my crisis with others. I think next time I am glitching I will wait 30 minutes before I request help from another human to avoid spreading what other people might perceive as crazy.

[Elphanigh]

Glasschild, I really hope you are feeling better today after that happened last night. I know how hard those can be.  I too am moving out on my own, so I can relate to that difficulty. I am so proud of your courage, one to as for help when you needed it, and two for getting yourself to take meds and eat. That is a huge accomplishment and you should  be proud of yourself.

I sincerely hope that you start to feel better and can see how well you did too. 

[Blueberry]

On the plus side, after 20 minutes of spastic chatter and panick, I was able to forcibly get "eat and take your meds" through to myself and I took my meds and ate. I've never been able to get myself to take my meds on my own during an episode before, so I am really proud of that victory

YAY Glasschild, way to go! 

On the other topic, without knowing much else of your situation, it still sounds to me as if reaching out in case you needed help was a sensible idea and a good move. Sometimes we freeze and can't. But you did.

There is that saying that when things go really wrong in life, we discover who are real friends are. I think that holds true for us with CPTSD too. I've been shedding friends along the way, but also finding new ones.

During the biggest retraumatisation crisis I had as an adult, I sure found out who my friends were! I reached out to all and sundry in a state that looked, sounded and even was pretty crazy. But I had been taught through years of therapy to reach out when the going is really bad and that kicked in. Some of my FOO was around at the time. I have only just recently realised that a) they thought I was crazy and seem to have been laughing about it behind my back with members of FOO who weren't present (FOO uses 'humour' to deal with emotions they can't otherwise deal with) and b) they were telling some of my friends I was crazy in a fairly callous manner, and c) much more importantly my friends don't think I'm crazy, some even condemn FOO for FOO's behaviour towards me, or say FOO sounds crazy.

What was done to us that caused the CPTSD - that was crazy. Our reaction called CPTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.   

[Dee]

I think you did well for reaching out!  It's really hard to do and you have nothing to be ashamed of.  Respect is a better word.

[Candid]

after 20 minutes of spastic chatter and panick, I was able to forcibly get "eat and take your meds" through to myself and I took my meds and ate. I've never been able to get myself to take my meds on my own during an episode before, so I am really proud of that victory

And rightly so! You can have that voice of sanity any time you need it, because your wiser self always knows what to do.

It doesn't matter what other people think of you when you have that Voice on your side. I salute you!

[GlassChild]

Thanks guys. I ended up having to lay out of work yesterday because I couldn't stop dissociating, slept from 10 - 4 because I was so exhausted from my episode the night before, but today I am back and feeling fine! I worked with my doctor this morning on my episode and I was able to figured out what triggered it so, there is definitely progress to feel proud of!

[Candid]

This is great news, and lets me feel a ray of hope for myself. 

[alchemist]

I can relate to the exhaustion part after remembering/experiencing abuse from my narcissistic abuser.  I feel physically and emotionally drained.  I finish work, eat dinner and sleep until the next morning.  I hadn't heard that other people experience this exhaustion so it is good to know I am not alone and neither are you.

[Blueberry]

No, you're certainly not alone with this, alchemist. Even though I still have bad phases, it does generally get better. So there's hope.

[GlassChild]

Alchemist, the exhaustion is so strong some times. This morning I cannot stop yawning and I know it is because yesterday I was so on edge, this morning I woke up to the crossfit gym below me beating on tires with sledge hammers -_-