I did some very self-protective things for myself that I am proud of

[alchemist]

I went NO CONTACT with my abusers and had a learning experience yesterday, when my whole world was shaken after a single conversation and its results .  The usual game ensued for the narcissistic feed, promises made and broken, and my nervous system became so overwhelmed by it-it was reflexive.  I realized that this is a neurobiological reaction that occurs in my nervous system when they reenact the abuse of the past.  And reinforced my NO CONTACT which I had done anyway in the conversation but it was a learning experience.  Going back to ask for help thinking that only one conversation can't hurt.  But narcissists are horribly abusive and it did not go smoothly as it NEVER does. So I am giving myself a virtual chocolate cake for comfort and in reality I have taken care of myself very well to ensure that NO CONTACT I in place.

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

  Way to go! And even a virtual choc cake instead of a real one.  I still tend to real ones. )-:

[Dee]

Good for you, that is a line I have been straddling and afraid to cross.  It takes a lot of courage!

[sanmagic7]

yay for you!  you deserve to be proud of yourself!  well done, all the way around!

[alchemist]

Thank You:)  I love chocolate cake but I have been abstaining a bit to be healthier:)  But I did indulge in a hot dark chocolate:)  Yes, Dee, I struggled to go no contact for years but I finally realized, it wasn't so much an intellectual realization-I had that years before- it was a Feeling bodily sensation that I knew I could not stay in contact.  I think for everyone it is different and needs to be at different times.  We have biological bonds to our mothers until they are violated and broken so many times the body wakes up and I trust myself that I am a better mother  and capable of mothering myself I have proven to myself.  I DID have a mother though-my dog-for several years before she died- she mothered me in every way Nurtured and protected me-I was her beloved.  I love dogs so much they are the greatest mothers.  A long time ago when I was 16, a Canadian woman told me after I asked her how she managed to heal, to get a dog. 
I was loved by my uncle's dog when I was two, my mother mal-administered an antibiotic and I became ill. It was a spiritual experience as we all went upstairs through a closed door then another closed door to the living room where I lay on the couch ill after vomiting.  This dog leaped out of the truck and came up the stairs directly into the room and put his paw next to my head on the couch and moaned.  At 14 I fell in love with a beagle but of course my mother wouldn't let me have him so after this Canadian healer told me about dogs, I believe my subconscious remembered what happened to me at two as well as that beagle looking at me with those healing eyes and so I got a dog.  She had had babies and she treated me as one of her own.  I never received nurturing like that- well I had, but -not since I was six when my aunt Theresa died and we movd away from a wonderful community.  That dog taught me the meaning of mothering-she was my mother.   I was then able to mother myself. I am forever grateful to dogs and feed them when they are sick because they are beautiful beings. I love all anmals and cats seem to mother me too.

[alchemist]

Thank you Blueberry, :cheer:dee :wave:sanmagic :hug:and three roses