secrets are not as secret as I thought **CSA triggers**

[Dee]

I have been burdened and elected to keep the secret of my dad and his going to prison.  My mom chose him over me, I suspect largely for financial reasons.  Once she started talking to me again she made a very big deal about getting the story straight and what to say to anyone who knew he was absent.  Later, I was forbidden from communicating with relatives.  She would not give me their contact nor would she give them mine.  I recently have been communicating with a cousin by email.

My cousin told me she knows my dad went to prison and she knows what the charge was and I was somehow involved.  I immediately thought, she doesn't know the charges (or at least one) because the incest charge would tell the story of my involvement.  I suspect my mom spun facts differently to scam money out of my relatives.  I also suspect that I came out bad in the story.  My cousin is going to send me a second email explaining.  All I can do is wait.  Either way it sucks, either everyone knows or everyone knows and thinks I lied.

I would love to crawl away, hide under a rock, and keep the world away from my kids so they don't ever get dragged into this.

[Blueberry]

Dee, I'm standing with you. I don't know what else to say. "I'm really sorry your mother is/was like this towards you" sounds woefully inadequate.

[Dee]

I got another email.  So they figured out my dad went to prison and didn't know the charges.  A couple of years ago they looked on the internet and found his rap sheet.  My cousin said she thinks that I was greatly wronged over the years.  I'm in shock.  It was less about what was said and what was found when they knew to look for something.  The most unbelievable part to me is it sounds like I am not being blamed.  I don't even know what to think.  They know, but even without me parading evidence in front of them they believe me (even though I never told them).  Yet they know and it wasn't my choice.  I had accepted that I would always be blamed and be the bad person.

Still mad that anyone can search the internet, find him, find the charges, and put it together.  This means my kids can too.

[Candid]

My cousin said she thinks that I was greatly wronged over the years.  [...] The most unbelievable part to me is it sounds like I am not being blamed. 

This is such great validation, Dee!

Do you think your children are likely to look your abuser up on the internet?

[sanmagic7]

o, dee, i'm so glad you're being believed!  that really is great news!  hard to adjust to, maybe, but great all the same.

yeah, the internet.  there is no privacy left.  that is now the world we live in.  i hope your kids don't find out if you don't want them to, but what if they do?  do you know what you might say if they ask questions?  that might help put you at ease a bit if you have a plan in place.  otherwise, what will be will be, and we can't do anything about that anymore.  sucks!

big hug to you with all this.  i'm just glad you weren't scapegoated again.  living with those lies is a burden too big to hold - they burrow into your very marrow and make you miserable from the inside out.  i just hate this crapola.  i wish i could tell you something soothing or useful.  just want to let you know i'm by your side. 

[alchemist]

Dee,  :
I'm glad you are so protective of your kids.  Sorry that your mom might have betrayed you.  That hurt me like * and she did it so many times but the first one was big like what you are describing but minus the incest.  she did make up lies to tarnish my reputation-I couldn't believe it-MY OWN MOTHER!  It is a shock, something which no child whatever age should ever experience from a parent, sadly it happens so often as we see the damage written on these boards.
You deserve a piece of rich chocolate mousse cake and a hug!  I will gie you both virtually and pray that the pain in your heart is eased.
remember,

[Dee]

I was prepared to tell my kids.  I was going to tell them to save further contact with my father.  It was destroying me.  However, when he recently passed away I thought about changing my mind.  I didn't see why they needed to know now.  Yet, it was just demonstrated to me once again that they will find out one way or another and it needs to come from me.  Unfortunately, I am on a short time-line to make this happen.  They are leaving home in a few months.  I need to tell them in time for them to process everything and for me to have support before they leave.  Will life ever get easier?  I think what I am feeling is fear.  I am also beyond angry he was charged with incest.  No one asked me if that charge was okay.  Rape I can handle, incest just might as well have my name next to it.   He was charged with both.

It's been a lot for me lately.  I was in the hospital, then I got out and my dad died, now my relatives are telling me they know.  To be honest, if not for the stay in the hospital I would not have been able to cope with this.  It's hard, I appreciate the hugs and cake     I stayed in the hospital an extra week to avoid a visit with my dad.  That is a decision that is hard to take now.  Right at the time.

I replied to my cousin, thanked her for her honesty, and told her I would be in touch after I go to my therapy appointment next week.  I am new to asking for what I need, but what I need to know is that this is the right thing.  I can't think of many things more shattering to a young, adult, child's life.  My gut says to protect my kids whatever that means.  Whatever the cost to me.

[Kizzie]

First off Dee    I know how difficult this is, many of us with children do. 

One thing recovery has show me is that the truth, no matter how difficult, sets you (and those around you) free. It is the antidote to the cruel silence of trauma that perpetuates pain, fear, feelings of worthlessness and isolation.  When we speak our truths we offer the gift of our authentic selves to those we love and care about. 

My only caveat here is that we must consider whether the people we choose to share with are ready, can receive us in a positive and supportive way.  It may not be shattering to your children because likely they have always know on some level something is causing pain in their mother.  It may also be quite painful and yet they have your courage to lean on, something few of us had to get through things like this.  They will see you reaching out, being honest, showing your feelings, and they will likely take that away. Even if it doesn't go quite as well as you'd like it to in the moment, it may later in life.     

Just my thoughts for what they are worth.  I hope some of it is helpful 

[Three Roses]

When I thought about this for myself, I decided I'd let my sons tell me what they were ready to hear.

I told them there was abuse, and who did it. They know my dad was violent, and that my brother abused me, but no details.

I think this was important for my kids to know because I haven't been the most emotionally stable mom. I told them I felt that if they knew my background, they would understand me and my particular brand of dysfunction better, which might help them avoid the same pitfalls I faced.

They know enough now, and I've told them if they ever have questions they can ask. This way, I won't be giving them "too much information."

Was it the right thing? I don't know, but for me it was healing and seems to have brought us closer. I have a good relationship with them both.

[sanmagic7]

dee, i went thru something similar when i found out that my daughter's father was lusting after her, making lewd references to her body parts in front of her sister (that's who i found out from).  as hard as it was, i decided that it was something she deserved to know because i wanted to protect her on every level i could think of.

i was visiting her, and decided to tell her at the beginning of my visit (i was only staying a week) so that she'd have time to process this news with me there if she wanted to.  i also gave her suggestions as to how to dress when she was around him, and that if she got any 'icky' feelings from him that she could leave that space they were in.  (i said space instead of room, cuz this happened with him and my other daughter at the grocery store once).

it's not exactly the same situation as yours, but it's similar in that it's painful, dreadful information to impart to your kids.   i agree that the truth is the best.  this stuff smoulders in the dark.  plus, i think it best that it come from you then that they inadvertently see it on the internet or hear it from another family member.

i don't regret my decision.  my daughters have both taken precautions in how they dress when around him now (they've both chosen to keep him in their lives), they're both aware that he has a sexual addiction, and some of the stuff that's gone along with it.  with the truth and my support, i believe they're both more cautious now.

you are a great mom, dee, and your courage and strength will help them through this.  it's nasty work that we have to deal with, and it's just horrid when it touches our kids in such a neg. manner.  i think your kids will appreciate hearing it from you.  as you said, they'll have some time to process it, ask questions, and assuage their curiosity and/or confusion if they've had any of that floating around before this.   we're standing right beside you, dee, with lots of love and support.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you , Dee.  Not having children myself, I don't feel so able to say as much as others. I just don't have the experience in straddling the divide between protecting them and opening up the closet full of skeletons. But I do agree that dark secrets in the family, even when they're meant to protect, can be damaging.

A friend of mine mentioned a while back that her adult son when he was a late teenager confronted her with the question: "You were sexually abused, right?" So children are more perceptive than one might think, no matter how much one tries to keep the lid on issues and protect adolescent / adult children from them.

I'm sorry you feel under time pressure with this.

It seems good though that your cousin believes you. I hope it feels good too.

[radical]

It is so unfair that you should be in this position, Dee, especially while trying to deal with your father's death, and possibly complicated grief, as well as other painful feelings and harrowing FOO predicaments.

In answer to your question, I believe life will get easier for you, that you will find some well-deserved peace with this in time, and be able to move back into everyday life with the worst of the hard stuff in the past.

I'm with you whatever you decide.  No-one knows about your life and your family like you do.

Having said that, within the limits of my knowledge, it seems to me that it would be best for you and your kids to tell them on your own terms, and in your own words, and to guarantee that they will hear it from you rather than another source. Also: So that you can all deal with it together in a reasonably controlled  setting with support from your therapist;  So that you don't have to respond in a 'rear guard' fashion to potential the potential misunderstandings and distress that could arise for them, if your children learn from another source, possibly in less controlled circumstances, when you aren't all together and in the best place to deal with it;  So that you can show your children that you have faith in them; So that you can show them that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and a great deal to be proud of, and that you had the strength and character to not just survive, but to be the parent to them that you needed for yourself but never had, despite the suffering and injuries you sustained;  So that you can demonstrate that they too should always hold onto hope and not give up, and that even the hardest of times can be endured and a way through found.  Mostly, so that you can all be set free, once you have gotten through to the other side.

You deserve every happiness, Dee.  whatever you decide, your children are so lucky to have you as their mother.

Sending you love and hugs across the miles.

[Dee]

All, thank you so much for your feedback on what might be the hardest decision of my life.

Here is what I have decided and when I waiver I plan to look back over this thread.

I knew my dad could be searched and found.  Yet, knowing and having it proven is entirely different.  I am going to tell my kids, they deserve to know and they are mature enough to know.  I am also not going to ask them to keep it a secret, rather to respect my privacy.  At no time do I want them to feel it is a secret and if they feel that way they need to tell me.  I am also not going to give them details, but answer their questions to my comfort level.  I will make it clear that in every way I am their mother and they are not responsible for me.

I am writing notes to discuss disclosure with my therapist (along with the email and already being outed).  I want to bring them in at least one time prior to meet here  To say here is my therapist (they don't know) and oh by the way....  is too much.  Then I will tell them in the safety of a therapeutic setting with support by my side.  Then I am going to come hope and post here and get it all out.  My plan on Monday is to discuss this, with my notes, and not get scared and back out.  I deserve to have support when I need it!!!!!

My friends are few, but I am so happy to have the friendships here that I do.  Thank you for being there for me.

[alchemist]

I wish you the best.

[Three Roses]

You are amazing. Strong, courageous, principled. I'm glad to call you friend.