Songbirdrosa's journal

[songbirdrosa]

So, first entry. My sleep patterns are a mess, and they have been for quite a while. It's 3:30am right now and there's no sign that I'll be nodding off any time soon, so I guess that means I'll be out until lunchtime again. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about it, though. Since I had to quit studying after my breakdown in March I don't really have anything I have to do during the day, and I've always preferred the peace of night. But I also know that these kind of weird hours aren't healthy, and it makes things quite difficult if I have any appointments in the morning.

Maybe it's the disease talking, but I'm really wondering about the therapy I've been doing. This whole mindfulness/lowering my fight-flight response thing is working I guess, but it seems like there's so much more that needs to be addressed. But I suppose I might be getting ahead of myself. One step at a time.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I sit around in bed most days, eating too much and not doing enough. There's a nagging thought in the back of my head that I'm just using my illness as an excuse to be lazy, and I think there's an element of truth in that. I've ignored my responsibilities for so long, and I run from anything that I don't want to do. I guess it's hard to tell since I've had this things hanging over my head for my whole life, I have no idea what's me and what's the disease. I don't know who I am. And I've spent so long hating myself that it's ingrained into everything about me. Having been diagnosed with just about any mental illness the doctors could think of at the time hasn't helped either. What do I really have? I'm not even 60% sure, but CPTSD is what they're going with at the moment so I guess that's what I have to assume. It's only my eighth diagnosis so maybe I've finally gotten lucky and they have it right.

Everybody keeps telling me how much better I'm doing, but that's only because I haven't tried to stick a knife in my arm lately. I think my friends have completely forgotten that I'm still sick. Judging by their behaviour last Sunday night, they have. PDA, horror movies (about depression, no less), and a guy who seems to enjoy making me unsettled. It's all just so exhausting. Mum, on the other hand, is still jumpy about anything and everything I do. I can't even make a joke without her telling me off for it! She knows I have a dark sense of humour, but she still won't even hear me. It's not like she's blameless in this whole thing anyway.

I guess I should try to sleep. Maybe I'll get around to telling my whole story one day. Maybe I should tell my friends so they realise that I don't need to WATCH horror because I've already lived it. I don't know. I used to be so sure of my mind, but now I can't trust anything any more.

[sanmagic7]

hey, songbird,

i've been in the place you're talking about, using my feeling ill as an excuse.  it felt so good to be taken care of by my hub - he would always run errands for me, excuse me from doing even the smallest chores around the house, and i didn't have to go out to face anyone and be stupified by their expectations for me to be 'ok'.

i stayed that way for quite a while.  one day, tho, (this was pretty early in my marriage) it struck me that it wasn't really fair to my hub to keep having him do all this stuff for me, or to let me slide on cleaning or bathing or anything i didn't want to do.  that day, and i thank the powers that be for this, i decided i was going to get better no matter what it took.

that was about 11 yrs. ago.  he's told me that he thought i was going to die at the time, that he was going to lose me.  i was losing myself, so i can see how he'd think that.  at any rate, that's really when my second round of recovery started (the first round was getting away from my daughter, moving to mexico). 

i'm not saying what will work for you or anyone else.  i do know that those meltdowns are exhausting.  i stayed like a veggie for a few years, just being sick and down and depressed.  sleep problems were a given (i'm still not very good with that to this day).  i do believe that when you are ready, you'll do something different.  you really may not have the strength or energy right now.

however, you are questioning your state of being, and i see that as a step to moving out of where you are right now.  i don't know when the actual moving might begin, but i think you've made a start, even if you can't see it.  this stuff does take time, and that time-frame is different for everyone.  i have faith in you, songbirdrosa.  you'll do what you need to do when you're ready. 

until then, congrats on leaving the knife in the drawer.  that, too, is a step.  battling this beast of c-ptsd is no easy task, but dang it, we're survivors, so much stronger than we even believe of ourselves.  i'm writing this as much for myself as for you right now, cuz i'm balancing about 2 dozen plates of ugh at once, and these words are reminders for me, too.  we'll do it, get out from under.  in our own time.    big hug to you.

[songbirdrosa]

Thank you for all your kind words, on this post and the others . This community's unfailing kindness is something I'm not entirely used, if I'm honest. But it's wonderful, you've helped so much more than I can express.

[sanmagic7]

well, songbirdrosa, i for one hope you can get used to it.  i'm smiling right now because i was in that place when i first started here, too.  just wasn't used to it, almost didn't trust it to continue at first.  however, it hasn't changed.  this community has kept me sane at times, i swear, with their unfailing support and kind words, and their genuineness.    big hug!

[songbirdrosa]

Well, the last few nights of trying to reset my sleep patterns normally haven't worked, so today I'm doing it by force. I've drunk lots of caffeine and stayed up all night in the hope that when tonight rolls around, I'll be tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour instead of 4am or later. It's nearly 9 in the morning now and I'm just about to have a good, solid breakfast to get my metabolism back into a better rhythm too. No extraneous snacking or grazing today.

I'm actually feeling pretty good right now, hopefully this lasts and isn't just another up before the crash.

[sanmagic7]

good luck, songbird.  hope it works.  i know that resets have helped people.  best to you with this.  sleep problems are a real bummer.   

[songbirdrosa]

I'm beginning to notice a pattern. For a few days, I'll be really sluggish and tired. Don't want to do anything, barely get out of bed, and can't get myself to do the most basic of tasks. Then suddenly, something will come gushing out. A realisation, a whole lot of pent-up anger or sadness, lots of the gooey black stuff that sits in my mind and clogs everything up. After that, I feel a little lighter and like I know myself a bit more.

Well, since the end of last week, I've been in that stagnant, angry, depressed state. It was really getting to me and I hated feeling that way. Finally, just in the last hour or so, the blackness is starting to come out. Rage at everyone who has hurt me and neglected me over the years. All the pain I never allowed myself to feel. The sadness that comes with being so thoroughly betrayed by the people who were supposed to take care of you.

I'm still trying to tell myself that I'm perfectly justified at being angry with them and hurt by their actions. That I don't have to hide away any more. I didn't let it out before now because I didn't have a safe place to do it. Nobody would have listened to me. My psychologist has told me that I need to stop being mad at myself for not being able to cope, and start being mad at them for making me like this to begin with, and she's right. They made the mistakes, they are in the wrong, and I'm suffering for it. I don't trust anyone because the people I should have been able to rely on were the ones who hurt me the most. I don't let myself feel anything because if I had, the pain would have consumed me. I don't know how to let it all out because I've kept everything under lockdown for twenty years.

For now, I'll sit with my pain. Lord knows I've run away from it for long enough.

[songbirdrosa]

I remembered something else about myself today. When I was young, probably between 8-10, I used to plan little themed play nights, where I would make up activities and games try to get my family involved. One was Harry Potter, another was simply 'light', and another was music.

Pretty sure I stopped because my eldest brother would make fun of me and try to correct everything I did.

[sanmagic7]

acknowledging and being with your pain is a pos. step, to my mind.  it will pass. 

i also agree with you completely that your anger belongs with them, not with you.  you did nothing wrong.  we can't cope well with what happened to us because we didn't know how.  that's not our fault - we were never taught.  thank heavens we are finally learning.

sorry about your being made fun of by your brother.  it sounds like you had a creative mind even then.   that should have been encouraged rather then put down.   sounds like lots of realizations are coming up for you.  best to you with all this.  big hug.

[songbirdrosa]

I just had another realisation. The reason why I don't know who I really am. I'm a mirror. I am a master of reflecting peoples' own images back at themselves because I had to be to survive. So many people think they know me, but only because they know themselves. But it's nothing more than the still surface of water, concealing deep swirling currents that they'll never see.

[sanmagic7]

maybe.  maybe not. 

perhaps, as you continue in recovery, you'll begin diving into those swirling depths and discover the real you, both the strengths and the flaws.  i'm learning that we don't have to be afraid to look at our flaws, that the imperfections are what give us personality and character.

i think robin williams' character in the movie 'good will hunting' said something about that.  i took that to my heart because i was scared to death to be flawed, to be human, to be me.  you are an amazing person, songbird, in your own right rather than simply a reflection of others.  in your own time, your own pace, i hope you are able to realize that as well.  best to you, and a big hug.

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks, sanmagic. I haven't seen that movie, I'll have to check it out at some point.

It's becoming clearer to me what and who are problems for me right now. There's two friends in particular who seem to be rather triggering. I thought today that I might bump into one of them, and even that set me on edge. I don't know what I'll do if I end up seeing her. It's like I'm a sponge, and she's a pool of tar. I always come away from her feeling icky, clogged, and exhausted. Thanks goodness my time in this town is limited.

[songbirdrosa]

I'm trying to psych myself up to call my former stepmother to ask if I can stay with her until I move. I know logically that nothing dreadful will happen, but the IC won't shut up saying that she's going to tell me to go away. But I need this so much! Argh!

[sanmagic7]

support for your decision, whatever it is, coming at you.  sorry about your friends.  i've gotten rid of pretty much all of mine.  didn't realize how unhealthy those relationships were until i learned more about what healthy relationships look like.   i know that 'tarry' feeling you speak of.  yuck!  big hug, songbird.

[songbirdrosa]

Big day today. Set some boundaries with a friend who was getting far too clingy, had an extra long session with my psychologist after not seeing her for two weeks. I had to have a nap when I got home! Here's hoping this week picks up.