I finally am seeing the truth and I'm very excited to be able to see it

[jennyjenny]

Hi,

**TW - Kidnapping***

I wanted to share some progress that I am really excited about.  Always I thought my M was not the one who caused me my issues, that it was my Ndad who kidnapped and brainwashed my siblings and myself. My M hired a private investigator to find us, and when he did, she told him to not come get my siblings and myself. Later she told me that her therapist told her "Your kids will be fine." My Dad was like a sexless / asexual version of Donald Trump, so he was really terrorizing to her (and us kids).  I grew up horribly abused by his new BPDn/ possibly sociopath wife, and I was Cinderella to her daughter, my stepsister. It was horrible.  It was gaslighting on steroids.  I was the scapegoat.

I was on and off contact with my (I now believe CovertN) M for years, and she recently passed away. After I had set a boundary with her, she limited contact to wishing me happy birthday once a year, and never told me she had cancer for over a year, and neither did my siblings.  I found out by her friend finding my phone number in her phone and calling me telling me my mother was in hospice, and was no longer speaking and "you have very little time but if you want to come across the country one last time to say goodbye....." . I did not go, and she passed away a week later.

This started after my F died 3 years ago, I responded to a very intense covert twisted to blame me email for hiring an attorney regarding the will after my Father died, which he left my older siblings in control of and they were punishing me for speaking out and saying I deserved to be treated better etc.  I had screamed, which made me deserving of the silent treatment etc. as I am sure most of you understand from your own FOO.

At any rate - I realized today in my T appt. that  I was going into a dissociate fog my entire life whenever I thought about my M / or when I would speak to her, because of what I finally heard my T say today (I'm sure that she's said it many times, but for some reason I was able to hear it today) that the reason I have so much trouble understanding my M is because she was COVERT, whereas even though my father was kind of a horrible man in many ways, and he kidnapped me, he was BLACK AND WHITE and therefore I KNEW WHAT HE WAS and it was easier for me to grasp, because I am black and white, and I am not covert.  - Meaning my style is to be direct and assertive, which is what my F was like, and not what my M was like, so she constantly confused me because I did not get her "style".


The connection I was also able to finally hear my T say is that   all  3 of my siblings are COVERT and I am DIRECT, so I am finally seeing things, slowly, in more of an actual clear picture. 

I realized that I had believed for 3 years that I had gone NC with my mother, but after reading the emails between us since my F died, I saw clearly that SHE stopped communicating with ME.  And I am able to see now that it was her COVERTNESS that made her just "go away." 

This feels really great to get more clear and see more clearly.  I've been trying to 'make sense' of things for so long, and I'm excited to be making so much progress on myself so I can start living a life free of CPTSD.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far, and I hope you all get to experience these realizations for yourself.