Letter to my brother *trigger alert*

[songbirdrosa]

There's a song that always makes me think of you whenever I hear it. Sometimes it upsets me and I can't listen to it. On my more angsty days, I belt it so hard it's virtually indistinguishable from screaming. You share it with Dad. It gives words to what I couldn't express for the last twenty years, and it's the only way I know to get all the thick, black, oozy feelings out.

You made me feel like I was complicit in what happened. Like there was something I should have done to stop it. But I see that's not true now. I was a child, how was I supposed to know anything? You groomed me and you used me to satiate your own curiosity and conflicted feelings. You took out your pain on me and in the process utterly destroyed any small hope I had of growing up normally. Not that there was much chance of that to begin with. But this is your letter. The others will get theirs in time.

And now you say you want to become a woman. That your confusion is why you did what you did. Please excuse my frankness, but that sounds like complete crap to me. And if it's true, then it's nothing more than a sick and twisted product of something a lot darker than what you say. No other trans person I've ever met did that. If that's how you cope, then there's something very very wrong with you. Who am I kidding, you molested your own little sister, of course there's something screwed up!

I've kept your secret for as long as I can remember. Not that you deserve it. Mum makes excuses for you. How Dad was so horrible to you. How hard you had it. But all she ever does is tell me off. I was the one who suffered from day one. I was the one who never had a normal childhood. I was the one who had to deal with a psychopathic father, mentally absent mother, one perpetually sick brother and the other who used me as your plaything. I wonder what she'd say if she knew what you'd done to me? I'm starting to consider telling her. But you're lucky for now. I'm not strong enough to deal with the fall out of such a revelation. Yet.

You've escaped the repercussions of your actions up to now. Mostly thanks to my own internal guilt and sense of loyalty. But your time is running out. I'm starting to get mad and I will ensure you see the consequences of what you put me through. You stole my innocence, and you will pay for it.

[Blueberry]

I hear you, songbirdrosa, and am standing with you.