Deep breath, annnndddd GO!

[Hope4heart]

Here I am trying to overcome fear once again.

I'm in a very rough place! I think I have finally found the root of my issues and a therapist that can hopefully do some good. It's still quite fuzzy to me what my traumas could be from my childhood, apart from emotional neglect. I am quite clear on the roller coaster ride that has been my marriage for the last 11+ years. He's been abusive emotionally and verbally, with only one physical episode years ago. He has been "aware" of his narcissistic traits for about a year and become a much different, calmer person. Despite his efforts, I realized I had no sexual attraction to him and then it became a flinching if he would touch me at all. He's now sleeping in the basement, and I'm stuggling to keep it together.
We have 4 children, that I fear (!) are going to be damaged from my lack of awareness and inability to maintain a facade any longer. They are next in line for therapy once I can get to that point.

We are supposed to spend Christmas with my FOO and I'm having more anxiety about it than I ever have before. Thank god we are staying in a hotel despite their protests we all stay under one roof!!

All this to say, I'm very alone. No friends nearby or even to talk to anymore. Husband is all I have to lean on and fortunately he's remorseful enough to carry the load, but like another poster said it feels like taking advantage somewhat. I dream about another life...that's what I'm clinging to for now.

Thank goodness this place exists!
I hope to find and refill my heart on this journey (Hope4heart).

[keepfighting]

Hello, hope4heart,

nice to meet you on this forum!  So glad you've found us!

I totally understand why the prospect of Christmas with your FOO sends your anxiety levels through the roof. 

Checking into a hotel is a wise choice - gives you a bit more freedom. I've started doing that with my FOO, as well, and it makes dealing with them a bit easier. What also helps me deal with my FOO better is having a little note in my pocket that says: "Do not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain" (I learned about this on Out of the FOG, a sister site to this forum). I am also learning to practise more Medium Chill but have a long way to go still. Here's a thread that explains more about it: http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=31531.0

All this to say, I'm very alone. No friends nearby or even to talk to anymore. Husband is all I have to lean on and fortunately he's remorseful enough to carry the load, but like another poster said it feels like taking advantage somewhat. I dream about another life...that's what I'm clinging to for now.

Thank goodness this place exists!
I hope to find and refill my heart on this journey (Hope4heart).

You're not alone any more. We're all here to support and validate each other. It helps a lot, sometimes just knowing there's someone else who understands is what a person needs most... 

Be very very nice to yourself now and try not to worry about the effect all of this might be having on your kids. I understand your worry but as long as you love them unconditionally and make sure their basic needs are met, you are already doing more right than wrong as a parent. And whatever they might have to deal with later, they won't be alone since they'll always have you on their side to help and support them. 

Best wishes and post all your worries away here! kf

[flookadelic]

Hello hope4heart!

I'm new here myself but am finding it a wonderful resource. The previous posts were so good that I have little to add other than to welcome you as a fellow newbie. Flooky

[Hope4heart]

Thanks, y'all! Back from the trip and hotel made it much better. Almost no issues until the last day (no way Mom was letting me off that easy) though there was obvious ugliness between other parties over the week.

So, I'm home and will be seeing my new therapist today! I survived and will check in around here soon. Thanks for the very warm and validating welcome.

[flookadelic]

You are most welcome.