Lingurine's journal

[Lingurine]

My mother took her own life and I can't seem to come to terms with it.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

o, honey, how horrible.  i don't have words to convey my feelings toward you and what happened.  all i can say is that my heart is with you, and you're not alone in dealing with this.  big hug.

[Lingurine]

Thank you san magic7, it is horrible. I try and approach it from different angles to see a bigger picture but I can't see it.  It is so traumatic and sometimes all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. My own mother did this and she was so alone. Maybe when I write about it, little by little I can let it go.

Thanks for the hug, it means a lot.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

i know that writing this stuff out has helped me not only put pieces together, but realize which ones i want to keep, which to get rid of.  i hope it does the same for you.  it's a tangle of emotions and questions that you have to work through, so i hope you can be patient with and kind to yourself while in the process.

i do hope you keep writing, and i hope it helps.  big hug to you, and warmth and peace.

[Lingurine]

Sanmagic, did you experience the same with a loved one?
For me, I live with it and have to deal with it. I just don't know how. My whole life I fought with my depression and she did it. I wanted to stay alive because I didn't want to hurt her.
I'm so full of hurt, anger and despair. Can't talk about it much. Thank you for responding, I feel less alone.

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Lingurine, I'm so sorry! 
I'm standing with you in your despair and hurt and anger. I don't have personal experience of this however.

The closest is a FOO member saying "you can't ever tell M that [accusation of something she did to me], she might commit suicide!" Then I thought a bit like you: I've been living with depression and much more almost all my life and I've never even attempted suicide, I've kept on going, and a FOO member would hold me responsible for M's suicide if I dared confront her with one of the things she did to me that has ruined numerous aspects of my life  I feel angry about that too, if I can allow the anger to bubble up.

Maybe somebody else will post who had direct experience with this. Till then  Blueberry 

[Lingurine]

Thank you Blueberry, it means a lot that you stand next to me with the same feelings. It doesn't matter what the reasons are, it's good to be together with it. I understand what you are saying about the unfairness of it all. We were parentified to take care of our mothers, that's so not how it's supposed to be. That's too much to carry for children, adults even. Like you, I never attempted suicide. I went on, even through the hardest times. I can't believe she could do this to her own children. It's so sad and violent. My heart bleeds.

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Lingurine, I mean also what my M did to me of which I accuse her is something that people do commit suicide over, or at least because of all the long-lasting effects, but this wasn't an issue at all in the other FOO member's perspective. It was just the fact that M might commit suicide because of the realisation of what she'd done to me. Which I highly doubt, with all FOO on her side and me still the family scapegoat. But even if she did commit suicide over it, it wouldn't be my fault. She was the one who started with all the inappropriate behaviour in the first place.

It is good to be together with it and standing up and keeping going through all of this. 

[Lingurine]

Blueberry, I understand what you meant, the might part, after she realized what she did to you.

Reading what you wrote there comes a thought into my mind, maybe my mother did this partly because she realized what she did to me and her doing it was not my fault and it was her who started the inappropriate behavior in the first place.

The words you wrote are appropriate in my situation. We have suffered similar.
You have a clear mind Blueberry   

Lingurine

[Lingurine]

I cried and cried and that's a good thing because the last three years were a horrible concatenation of tragic events. It's time to process them because I'm at risk with major depression. I feel like I'm a burden to my SO. I told him and he said I don't need to. That I'm worthy to him. I told him that I need time to rest an process things and that I feel guilty when I do so. We agreed that I need to do so because my depression gets worse if I don't. I'm in so much pain.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

o sweetie, that crying must have been cleansing tears for you.  i'm so very glad your so is on your side with this and supporting you about having to take time to process.  yep, time can be a helper for things like this.

i didn't have that experience personally, but my oldest daughter made numerous suicide attempts/gestures/threats throughout her life, and i was on edge about it for over 30 years.  i personally almost did it myself at a time when i was overwhelmed by responsibility and believed i had nowhere to turn.  it never crossed my mind to think what it might mean for others if i'd gone thru with it.

perhaps you've hit on a possibility with your mom, that she became overwhelmed with what she did.  i've dealt with people who have had suicide in their lives, and there are many reasons for it.  whatever the reason is, however, it is never another person's fault - it's not your fault what happened with your mom.

i do know that people commit suicide and sometimes like to blame others, or they threaten others with it in order to manipulate someone to do what they want.  being told to keep something a secret or you may be the cause of someone's suicide is wrong and completely incorrect.  your mother made a difficult decision that has had lasting ramifications for you, but it was her decision alone. 

i hope you get the rest and time you need for all that you're dealing with.  i'm holding a hand out in case you ever need to just grab onto something.  you're not alone with this, lingurine.   sending a warm embrace to help ease the pain.  that kind of pain, o, my heart is with you.   

[Lingurine]

Sanmagic, your warm and understanding words touch my heart. It heals a little, you reaching out to me. That must be so hard for you, your daughter in so much pain that she wanted to end it all. I can relate to that, I feared for my sister for so long. She threatened with suicide all the time. The shock was immense when I heard it was my mother who did this. I never expected that. The pain about it runs so deep. It feels better to write about it than talk. I tortured myself with so many questions. The outcome is still the same. The questions become less and less. The feeling of hurt scrapes and sands my whole being and I want to walk away from it but I can't.

Thank you for being here.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Lingurine, my heart reaches out to you. This is a lot to go through and I am so glad you are posting here to get the much deserved love and support. Suicide is a really difficult one, I have not personally lost someone to that but I had a close friend whose mom was like a second mom to me that did commit suicide when I was a teenager. IT really does make the whole world spin.

Like everyone else I really want to stress that you are not at fault for any of this. I wish I could be with there you to help you work through all of this. I too contemplated it, and had gone as far as to write a note and pick a date. It is so blinding at that point that they don't see how it will affect others. I know you will get through this, I have seen your strength so many times on here. I don't have words to solve it, but know I am here for you and am sending you all the warmth and understanding I have 

[sanmagic7]

keep writing, if writing is what helps.  we will be here to listen and help carry the pain for you.  you're so right - neverending questions and same results.  i'm glad those are beginning to diminish.

i'm also glad you decided to write about this.  so much strength and courage in you to do that.  those attributes of yours will help you get through this.  eventually, hopefully, the memory will cease to pack such a horrific punch and you will be able to move on from it.

not to say you won't remember your mom or what happened, but just that such remembrances will stop causing you such distress, enough that your world comes to a standstill for a while.   instead, you will know within yourself that your world has changed, and can change even more, but in a more positive way.  that day is coming.  with you all the way on this.   big hug to you!

[Lingurine]

Elphanigh, I think that losing the mom of your friend who was like a mother too you, must have hurt enormously, as one person who you could trust through all your pain.  for your loss.

Sanmagic, I hink that must be hard for you, the agony to think your daughter would go on with this.  for you being a great mother for her.

Although English is not my first language, I try to make the most of it writing. Writing in a language not your own has the advantage that there is a distance between feeling and writing. Disadvantage are syntax or semantic problems. I'm trying though.

My mother. She was a warm, loving person on one hand, and mean and manipulative on the other hand. I never knew what to think of her, I thought I could trust her. But it ended out that there was no trust, it felt like I had a blindfold for my eyes. I could not really see who she was. I needed her to be with me, of all the people in my FOO she was the only one I trusted. At the beginning, when I was totally into the Fog.

I tried to understand why she turned all my words and used me as a shield to protect her against my dad. She turned all my words, so I couldn't trust my judgements anymore and became an insecure kid. Although I had a very good instinct and distinctive feeling of judgement. It became harder to trust my own feelings and thoughts. I stood up for the lesser assertive kids and grown ups. I stood up for kids at school who were teased and I stood up for my mother. I did this everytime she looked at me when my dad attacked her, to help her. And I defended her, although she asked me to defend her, after I did, she laughed at me with a mean grin and I felt so betrayed. She played helpless and then made fun of me when I did.

Enough for today, I have to go.

Lingurine