Lingurine's journal

[sanmagic7]

may i just say that your english is fantastic!  good for you for using it as a helping aid through this.

as an aside, i read that people who are bilingual have a lesser chance of having alzheimer's or dementia because they are constantly using both side of their brain in translating back and forth.  it's shown to be good exercise for the brain. 

trusting, being betrayed, trusting again, same thing happening - it's an awful feeling, an awful experience.  i've just gone through it twice in the past year, have eliminated those people from my life.  i don't need that kind of crapola anymore.  it does nothing for my goal of healing.  i'm sorry you had to go thru that with your mom, one of the adults in your life you looked to for protection and well-being.   big hug, lingurine.

[Lingurine]

Dear sanmagic7, Thank you, it's good to know my English doesn't sound like soup and you are able to read my words. Interesting fact about the Alzheimer or dementia. It seems true, since I write in English, I do have a better memory now you mention it, I used to look for my glasses in the fridge, but now I know they're on my nose   

Trust comes walking and goes running. Good for you that you keep your distance from people who are not trustworthy. I do the same thing and although there are a few people left to trust it's better than being betrayed again.

My mother again. She had difficulties in her life and wasn't able to solve any of her problems. She felt helpless all the time and to defuse that, she developed a severe case of OCD. Had to wash her hands all the time, constantly washed dishes and made sure she and her house were clean. Me, she forgot, I had to go to school with barely clean clothes or a decently washed body. Kids laughed at me about that, try to tease me. So I went on being more invisible.

When I was sick she left me in my room for days because of the bacteria. When I was an adult I saw her give money back to the cashier because the money was dirty and she needed a clean bill. 

Another example from her being absorbed by hosophobia was that she didn't protect me from my siblings. My brother went to judo and fought with me to show his abilities. He strangled me numerous times and when I called for my mother, who I saw, who stood there, at the sink, her back at me, did the dishes, never once helped me. The best she could do was saying, you figure it out on your own. So, I helped her and she left me hanging. I build up so much anger about that.

Enough for today,

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

lingurine, i can only imagine how much anger  you must have built up around those issues with your mother.  i sincerely hope you can find ways to get that anger out.  i'd hate to see it hurt you.  i know that's a real thing because i'm physically ill now because i wasn't able to get my emotions out, and my body carried them for me for way too many years.

i'm glad you're getting some of these memories out.  that's a very good first step in this battle.  i hope you can keep it up.  big hug.

[Lingurine]

Sanmagic, the body tells us what our mind is repressing to feel, I think, I'm so sorry for the pains your body left you to dissolve. I know what you mean, my body is older too and my muscles hurt from all the anxiety. Hope that your appointment with the doctor helps with that.

*TW*
We have to go back in time a little, to understand where a part of my mothers problems occur  and how she used to deal with them. When I was three years old, the brother of my mother caused a deadly car accident. My sister had four sisters and three of their husbands were with him in the car. Her brother survived the accident and the brothers in law all three were deceased. *End TW*

This was major in the family, my mother was, together with her youngest sister, the only one who've had her husband still. For the funeral, my mother was so fearful that she brought me, her youngest child, again, as a shield, to the funeral. I had to protect her from the pain her sisters were in.
All this put a strain on my family. My father became the guardian of the other families kids and my mother didn't know how to cope. I later in life asked my neighbours if they wanted to be my guardian when something might happen to my family. They agreed.

At three, my nightmares begun. I've had them for so long and screamed of fear every night. Especially one sister of my mother came screaming in my nightmares. Again, my mother wasn't there to comfort me or telling me why I had those nightmares all the time.

Enough for now.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

what a horrible situation, all the way around, for you to have been a part of.  it is truly amazing to me what we have survived.

and continue to survive.  our bodies, having held all that pain, stress, tension for ever so long - of course they ache with the burden and the strain of it.  here's hoping we eventually get some relief.   

[carnation]

You write very fluently!

My mother is technically alive - Adult Protective Services has paid her two visits, and decided that although she lives in very unhealthy conditions (to put it lightly) and is not taking care of herself physically/mentally, the fact that she is technically able to and chooses not to means that APS can't step in and do anything for her.  I've been NC for four years (obviously a lot of trying to help/enabling lead up to that).  She drinks and takes pills and doesn't eat.  So she's killing herself slowly and I get to just wait for that phone call and accept, very slowly over time, that she's willing to let herself go like this and not be a living person in my life. 

I don't know how you feel but I fear that someday I will.   I'm giving your hand a squeeze. 

[Lingurine]

Sanmagic, Thank you, oh Yes those bodies ache all the time. We are not 18 anymore aren't we? 

Thank you, carnation. I squeeze your hand too. What did you mean by your last sentence BTW? Do you fear you will some time end it yourself?

Today I think the depression talked to me in another form, I can always die, let's first live a little, so let that be the saying of today. Here's to the living 

Lingurine

[carnation]

What did you mean by your last sentence BTW? Do you fear you will some time end it yourself?

Ah - I meant that I fear someday I will know what it's like to lose a mother to suicide.

Depression is a gnarly beast.  Today I will be treating it with doughnuts and favorite tv shows.  And possibly a meditation video on youtube (there are so many!)

[Lingurine]

What did you mean by your last sentence BTW? Do you fear you will some time end it yourself?

Ah - I meant that I fear someday I will know what it's like to lose a mother to suicide.

Depression is a gnarly beast.  Today I will be treating it with doughnuts and favorite tv shows.  And possibly a meditation video on youtube (there are so many!)

I understand now, you fear that you once might know how it feels to lose your mother like that.
I hope not, let's hope your mother does seek/find help for her problems. When I heard my mother committed suicide, that put everything I thought about her before, in a whole new perspective. She was the one who never wanted to talk about her problems with a professional. I totally see no problem in that. Going to a T is like brushing your teeth, has to be done for my sanity.

Take care,

Lingurine

[Lingurine]

*TW*
We have to talk about the black vicar. I emphasize the word 'black', because I think this race has special meaning to you. You were devoted to religion and wanted your whole family to be like you. So we went to church, read the bible and prayed like you wanted us to do.

You became friends with this man who was the vicar of our church. He was also black and gay, so you felt three times as important that he wanted to be your friend. I was only five when you left him with us, mother. To babysit. He did things with us mother. But you were blind.

I was blind too. You put us on a black school when we had a (white) school in the street. I never understood why I had to bicycle so far to go to school.

Recently, I know why. You wanted to look good to him, to Frank, so I call him, because that's the name that pops up along with images from me and him, just recently.

Why mother, why? I feel so betrayed, angry, offered, sad, I want to scream.

Why?

Lingurine

[Lingurine]

Today I received a letter from one of my neighbours. There is another rebuilding taking place, from Juli until October, that includes a lot of noise. I hate noise. Especially others noise. I really can't stand it, it triggers me and I will feel like crap all the time. I need to protect myself from those overwhelming feelings but am totally clueless. It seems that I have no control over my environment, no control over me at times. I want to be balanced and feel like a happy go lucky child, but the universe says no no no.

It's sad.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

lingurine, you're frankness is compelling, inspiring.  it shows your courage and determination to meet and beat this beast head-on. 

i'm so very sorry for what you've gone through.  i don't have enough words.  frank is a good name for this, to my mind, on many levels.

was this helpful for you, to let this out?  i certainly hope so.  to be betrayed by a parent who is blind at heart level is horrible.  while i didn't have the same experience, i can relate down in my gut.  i feel it.

thank you for sharing this.  your strength has flown off the screen and into me, making me stronger for what i'm going thru.  peace to you, lingurine, peace and love and kindness.  and a big hug.

[Lingurine]

Dear Sanmagic, your words move me, I think you are a real driving force on this forum, standing by everyone. You can be so proud of that, your kindness reaches a lot of people here, I'm sure.

It does help to write this down. In a way I hold her accountable for what happened. She had to know better. I never spoke to her about this, or maybe as a child, but never as a grown woman. She dismissed my feelings and it feels good to let them out.

It happened then and although I have a hard time with it now, it still happened then. I will survive.

It's good to read that you feel empowered by my words. They empower me too, it took me a long time to comfort myself.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

thank you from my heart for your kind words. 

and, i hope that construction noise is over with soon.  i'm with you on that noise thing - hate it!!!