Afraid (possible trigger)

[lfc93]

Hey all,

This is my first post on the site, and I'm excited to be connecting with others who understand at least to an extent what I am going through. I just turned 21 years old and I grew up in a household with a borderline mother and a narcissistic father. My younger brother is in complete denial about the abuse in the family, largely due to how much I personally defended him against the abuse. My sister idealizes them, which makes me cringe (actually cringing as writing this). My entire life up until this point, I've allowed them to bully me, harass me, and lay all of their own emotional issues on me.

Over the summer before the recently ended semester (college student), I was eating 1000 calories a day for two weeks in order to save up money to pay for getting my stuff to school; they knew that I did not have money and were using that as leverage to get me to submit to their demands. I got through the summer, and got solid grades at school. But, now at home, the abuse continues. I told my father that if he did not agree to me having a basic set of human rights, then I would not speak to him ever again. He responded by telling me that I have rights, but because he funds my daily living, I have none. I persisted that I will not communicate with anyone who does not acknowledge that I have rights.

Recently, he withdrew me from school. In conversations he has stated that he thinks I'm the bully in the situation. He literally has no clue that what he is doing to me is abusive and neither does the family. So, I am 21, have a little over 10,000 dollars to my name, and am most likely in the coming days moving out of the house to find work somewhere. I am afraid, and the thought of this often sends me into a flashback. But, I've realized that I don't have the option to stay. I cannot perpetuate the cycle. It is not my fault that I have to do this, but I must. To anyone who might be reading this, I thank you for taking the time to hear me. Even the thought of my voice being heard makes me hopeful. Thank you, and although I do not know you, I love you.

[Rain]

Love back to you, lfc93, as Love can wash away the Fear.

It takes time though ...once you have found safety, and how to protect yourself (i.e., boundaries)

I am very impressed you are seeing a great deal of the truth from your past.   Are you working directly with a therapist, or did you diagnosis the situation of your childhood yourself?    It is quite possible to do so, I'm just putting this into perspective.

You likely know this, but I'm saying it for validation.  Your freedom from abuse means more than anything.

A small apartment where you are safe, physically and emotionally ...and start to build a network of TRULY caring people is essential.   A therapist can help even in the aspect of verifying the chosen people are safe.   All of us from abusing homes have a tendency to choose the familiar which is the abusing people of our childhood.

Your Voice IS heard here, and we look forward to hearing your posts, new friend to OOTS.

Do check out pete-walker.com for his excellent articles, and I think you'll see your Self, and answers in the OOTS posts.   Please share what works for you, as well.

Grace and Healing in your Journey, lfc93

Rain   

[flookadelic]

Hallo lfc93!

I am new here myself but just want to say hi and to extend my best wishes. I would say that freedom from abuse is the number one priority. That's the foundation and without a foundation things remain rocky.

You know your parents dysfunctions and that is so much better than attacking them blindly. You are thoughtful and very clear and haven't allowed hate and bitterness to cloud your vision. That is one * of an achievement. You have every reason to be proud of your efforts. It is a sad, sad thing to be misunderstood by your siblings...but life is bigger than sorrow and there are ways and means via therapy to process that. Many blessings dear froot! Flooky

[Trees]

Dear lfc93, my thoughts are with you.  It is hard being the scapegoat of an entire family.  It seems to me that, in the face of all that, you have an amazing clear vision and a clearheadedness that will stand you in good stead.  I hope you will keep in touch here and let us know how you are doing.  I send you a hug  {{ifc93}}  and love also to help with the washing away of the fear.  Trees

[Hope4heart]

Hello! I'm new as well.

Just wanted to say that I see bravery and compassion in your post. I admire your determination! Good for you.

Welcome.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi lfc93, pleased to meet you. I'm impressed by how self-aware you are, and by your ability to draw a clear boundary and to take the consequences when it wasn't respected. Wow. That's something to be very proud of. I wish you the best of luck in your journey, and all imaginable happiness.