Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for always telling me I am doing well. I feel like I am just always overwhelmed lately. Like today caused a pretty intense anxiety attack at work out of the blue...  good to not have a flashback which could have happened, and was close to.

Smells are good, it forces me to breathe, both are calming. Helps keep me present. My T has really helped with that a lot.

I am glad I am not the only one that has these come out of no where. Up until a month ago I didn't ever have them.... like I would have almost told people that repressed memories weren't a real thing.. only because I hadn't read much and had never experienced them. Now that I have they will knock me on my tail. I got a full one, and glimpses of other things..lt is exhausting and I know my brain has a lot more. I have months of gaps in my years of abuse...

Thank you for believing me, and not doubting my memories or my truth. It means the world that you believe me. Also again just for thinking I am dealing with things well. I feel like such a mess... hugs

[Lingurine]

Dear Elphanigh, the struggle you have to live is like being under water holding your breath. Every once and a while you come up for air and take a giant breath...and go under again.

You also remind me of the wonderful goddess Persephone who lived a great deal of her life in the underworld. Her mother came looking for her there.

Maybe we can be the mothers who come look for you and pull you out of the water to breathe.

Breathe, beautiful Elphanigh.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

lingurine, what a beautiful post!  lovely image.

elphanigh, that is definitely one part of recovery - the messiness.  we all go through it, and the farther into recovery we are, usually the shorter length of time we stay there.  hang on, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.  what's your favorite scent?  most flowers are what appeal to me.  avon used to have a cream that smelled just like lily-of-the-valley.  absolutely lovely!  keep breathing, my dear.

[Elphanigh]

Lingurine, thank you for that wonderful image. It really is what it feels like, being understand and just grabbing a breath when I am let back up. Also the comparison with Persephone is wonderful, you all do pull me back out. Like seeing these posts tonight are helping to be a source of that.  Thank you for being that for me. Starting this whole process is terrifying, and I just kind of want to run back to where I could breathe better and not remember so much. Thank you for responding, it does a lot to help me

San, I truly hope I learn to get out of the messiness as I go. It feels like a mess most of the time at this point... I am so used to having my life together that this all just feels too disorganized and such. It is truly difficult for me.

I will hang on, thank you so much for being with me in that. I personally like peppermint or vanilla, flowers are good as well. Being outside in a garden is amazing for that. I will keep trying to breathe through this all. Thank you dear friend

[sanmagic7]

well, your well-organized life took a major hit recently.  it's no wonder you're feeling messy.  no blame, no shame.  i think it's a natural part of this process of recovery.  i've been messy for over a month, what with one thing and another.  but, i'm feeling a bit better, a bit more settled now.  we'll make it through.  big hug to you, sweetie. 

[Elphanigh]

It did definitely take a large hit. I am trying to find organization again. I got some today which has truly helped. Finding a routine in this new place will hopefully help to settle the mess out. I am really glad that you are starting to find less messiness. You have been through a lot lately, more turbulent than my own from what I can read, You show such great strength, I admire that greatly.

I am not excited for this part of recovery, although I doubt anyone ever is. I have spent my life organizing ever moment of my day. Not knowing when these emotions will hit, or when I will remember new things is hard. As a younger me I would push them away and never look back. Wiser me knows that doesn't work and isn't healthy. I am trying to find almost a new life style in all of this.

My past was full of mess, and I think I compensated for it in my life when I got that choice. Going back into the mess is difficult to say the least. Thank you for being here San. We will both make it through. Hugs to you too

small side note, your cute terms like sweetie or dear are the best things. I love reading them. Seeing that you have replied always brings a smile or at least a nice warm breath to my day

[Elphanigh]

*Trigger warning*

I had a friend point out just what damage my FOO did... I had always kind of let it slide because it was so much better than the abuse I suffered at the hand of people that weren't my family. She said the words emotionally, and physically abusive. Somewhere in me I have always known that to be true, but it is truly difficult for another person to point it out to me.

My relationship with them is complicated, because I know they had good intentions and believed it was in my best interest. I know they want the best for me and always have, I have seen it in their other actions. They just didn't parent well... constant fear of making a mistake, or failing expectations because that meant a beating. No marks ever but I think enough to damage a kid. Being angry about my anxiety and how it progressed as I got older... My mom's treatment of it led to my suicide letter, and had a friend not been there that night I wouldn't be around

My FOO was the good part of my child hood, so it is hard to call it abuse. I know it was emotionally and physically in ways that I don't have the heart to list here this morning. I know the friend who saw through me just simply being worried about letting everyone down and messing up. She saw it just in the way I acted, no real prior conversation and that led to me describing it, and her terming it abusive. This is difficult, but I need to recognize that damage as well.

I know my parents are starting to become better people. I have watched them work on being better over the last few years, as people they are. From a distance they are much better parents, and I lvoe them and some of the good they gave me. They did some damage, and I wish things had been different but I don't want to live and resent them. That won't help anyone

[Elphanigh]

I have decided that I am going to try to be truly vulnerable with my T today. To show her my fears.. to admit that I am scared of a lot. I play so tough, and I am, but not as much as I come off as. I don't like to show fear, because fear is weakness in my experience. When I was afraid things hurt worse, or I caved to things I shouldn't have. I think it is time to tackle this a bit. I think letting her see how afraid I am may open up a bit more of myself for her. It won't be easy but I think it need to be done.

I am afraid that I don't have enough strength to heal, that my demons will be too much for me. I am afraid that no one will ever accept the whole of my abuse as it is, as I remember it. That if someone learns everything that they will always end up leaving, or not believing half of it.. It is hard to accept my CSA let alone the physical, and emotional abuse I experienced all of my life... I am worried she won't do that because it sounds like too much for me to be functioning as I am.

I think part of this is me projecting on everyone else my own fear to accept it all... and my own confusion about how I am functioning after everything. I mean my CSA list many of you have read in my other journal.. put on top the emotional, physical abuse from my family.. abusive boyfriends and then a professor in college.... I should be much worse off I think.. so maybe I am just projecting.

Being vulnerable fully is hard.. to admit I am afraid. I am afraid of this process, of not succeeding and only getting worse. I am scared I will fail, that my demons will win. That everyone that abused me will win.. That I will become broken like they tried to make me... I am worried I already am broken adn am just kidding myself when I think I can heal... when I see strength in myself.

I am scared to fail...

[sanmagic7]

it takes so much courage to be vulnerable, it's exactly the opposite of what we were taught.  it takes courage and strength to be honest to and about yourself.  it takes determination to go through with your plan to do something different with your t.  it takes fortitude and valor to charge through your fears.

with all these qualities you possess, elphanigh, there is no way the demons will get the best of you.  if you were already broken, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't be admitting, wouldn't be willing to do something different. 

you've got some guts, sweetie.  just keep doing what you're doing, cuz you're moving in a very positive direction, from what i'm seeing.  with you all the way.   big hug!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, dear friend. It is good to hear you say I have guts! Along with all Those other qualities. I am trying to have them and just keep learning and pushing forward. It is a confidence boost to read your post.

I did manage to open up and admit my fears to her.. all three of the big ones, that I am not strong enough to heal, that I never will, and that no one would be able to accept everything I had to say. She did so much to listen, validate, and help with those. It filled me with hope.

We are going to start some ego state work, which will require a lot of vulnerability from me, and will probably make me remember more of my past but I think after today I can trust more. She didn't push away the fears.. instead validated them and ensured me how strong I am... how I won't fail, and how she isn't going anywhere, that I couldn't tell her anything she hasn't heard or can't deal with. She opened up some about things that helped me relate and about more of her background as a therapist. It made me have more faith that she could handle me.

I am excited to start working on this, and am going in with both of us knowing that I am the kind ti try to plow through it all but need to be more controlled about it to be kind to my emotional being and inner self. I think there is a lot of self discovery about ti be had

[woodsgnome]

Being vulnerable sounds scary, and it can also seem overwhelming sometimes. So it's exciting to see you willing to venture on despite the fears. Won't be easy--you know that. And it might lead to more negative vibes, but in wholeness there's the potential for peace, too; for which you're ready, and deserving.

So here's to your voyage, today and the times that follow.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for validating that it is hard to be vulnerable. I am hopeful it is worth it, and will bring some peace eventually. It definitely felt better yesterday, having her know I was afraid and address those fears.

I am excited to start work after the holidays. It will be hard and I will probably remember more, as she has warned me. However I think it is the right step

[Elphanigh]

I am learning to be stronger, and to see bad cycles before they fully form. This is progress,  but sometimes I want to run from that progress. To fall back into a comfort zone where I know there is some warmth, and love... Even if it isn't fully what I deserve.

I will be stronger than that, I will be brave and valiant. It is causing me a lot of pain right now, but I want to be healthy and maybe this is what I need to be going through to get there.

I can't go around it, sometimes the only way to fix things and learn is to go directly through the thick of the fight. I need all the strength I can gather through this. I know my weakness here, and I don't want to fall to it again. This is a long road for me, one of many challenges I am likely to face. I need to start it off well.

Here's hoping I am strong enough

[asyouwish]

Elphanigh, I guarantee you are strong enough. 

When I question it, I read this old string of tweets from the lead singer of the Mountain Goats (great band) and it always makes me feel better.

The links are here, but I'll transcribe them, too:
T1: https://twitter.com/mountain_goats/status/682592670418599936
T2: https://twitter.com/mountain_goats/status/682592981841494016
T3: https://twitter.com/mountain_goats/status/682593324956532736

T1: To everybody who at some point in 2015 thought they weren't strong enough to make it through; oh yes you were
T2:  You were strong enough & you were brave enough & you were vulnerable enough to feel it & strong enough to bear it
T3: You did this not anybody else. Respect to the toolbox and love to the nails but praise to the worker and that's you if you're reading this.

Anyway, I don't know if that's helpful, but it always has helped me. I love sayings/platitudes/affirmations/whatever. I have them all over my house to remind me to be strong and to live life and that I deserve to.

I used to take them down when FOO visited, but now that I'm NC, I can decorate my house however I want, and that's so freeing.

Anyway, I hope that helps you.

:hugs:

[Elphanigh]

Asyouwish,

That was extremely helpful. I think I am going to write that down in a place that I can see it at work today. It helps to read that. I need to believe in my own strength as much as everyone else seems to.

I greatly appreciate it