Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[sanmagic7]

your time, your pace, your space, your recovery.  when you're ready.  i am always with you in spirit, el.  call on me anytime, i'll be standing next to you, skirts aswirl.   sending you a loving, caring hug full of warmth and compassion.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, dear. It means the world to me that you are with me in spirit,  and standing with me when I need you. Earth mother skirts and all. They are truly healing, and comforting to me.

This will all come in time, I just needed to get that first one out last night. Being taken advantage of twice by someone who I needed to just be my friend really set some things off that I wasn't fully recognizing.

I ignored the root cause of things that sprung up, and that did further damage. I denied its importance and impact which is never healthy.. but did it bt instinct.. didn't realize I had done it honestly.

This will take time. My depression,  and self worth issues that stemmed from it will take time. I had those voices quieted mostly, but this brought them back.. and I didn't initially contribute it to the actual root cause. I didn't know why they had come back so harshly and quickly. I understand now.

I am taking the day to go see a friend, and try to get some of what Ibhave lost of myself back today. Hoping it will be healing. I will take your spirit with me today. And keep that hug close to me. I need all of the support and warmth I can get to bounce back

[Elphanigh]

I ended up staying the night at my friend's place. It is the first time I have felt like I truly slept, and breathed fully in a while. It reminded me the voices in my head are not always correct, that I do have people that like to have me around.  I am going to try to cultivate that feeling and work my way out of the hole I hadn't put myself in. Here's to this adventure.

[Sceal]

I am happy to hear you got a good nights rest. Heavens knows how important that is!

[Elphanigh]

Started an intense ego state therapy today. I am excited to start the deep work to get through my trauma. I have five different states, at least that I could get to come to me today. I got to talk to each one of them, and let them speak to me if they wanted. I know this sounds very odd and somewhat crazy, but I know here people will understand. I also understand some science behind the ego states so it helps to assuage my worries.

I am supposed to try to sit with my other pieces at least once a day. It is to try to earn trust from them, and To be More aware of when my other parts take over. I do not have as many large gaps in memory, because I can see through those parts, but don't necessarily control them. Or at least that is the thought for how they functioned and do function. It makes good sense.

Eventually this will hopefully allow me to process everything with each part of me, so all of me can heal. It will add to the ways in which I process and help me to do so.

I have five of these inner states. Think describing them here's will help me to remember as I go through this process.

1. 5-6 year old me. She holds my fear and confusion over the first major abuse I remember
2. 7-8 year old me. She is tough, brave, and hardened. This is the girl that fights everything. She is how I got through my parents, and abuse. She refuses to be scared. She took care of everyone and everything
3. 10 year old me.. she was the first to appear and the most difficult. She is the one that created my drive. Where my perfectionism and high achieving nature came  from.  She did everything she could to be enough
4. 13-14 year old me.. angry with the world but also deeply stuck in grief and loss
5. The happy face in teenage me. She is how I had a normal life in some cases. She is how I made human connections and could keep up a vision of everything being okay

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there Elphanigh, I'm new here and I decided to check out other's Recovery Journals.

Yeah. . . The idea of inner children inside us can sound weird. I'm new to it — probably more new to it than you and it's already been a rewarding process. There's something about talking to yourself this way that allows more awareness.

Wish you luck on this.

See ya around.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for checking out mine. I know it is a long one (and it is my second journal). The inner child isn't super new to me, but seeing five distinct ones is really different

[Blueberry]

I've done a lot of work with ego states, so I'm interested to see you are too now Elphanigh. I hope it helps you lots. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you! Glad you have gone through it and that it helped! I am really curious about this journey.

[sanmagic7]

i'm curious, too.  i haven't done anything like this.  it's kind of amazing to me how you have these inner you's separated out.  i hope this goes really well for you.  sending you a warm, loving hug, el.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you,dear. It is an interesting experience so far. Basically what I am told is that these ego states (little me's) are just dissociated pieces that dealt with my trauma. It is how some people can lose parts of their memories. Also the extreme version is D.i.d.

It is an interesting concept. Still strange to me to have five distinct Little's but I see where each one would be from.

[Elphanigh]

I haven't been as present here because I am needing to be very focused on studying, and writing. My grad school apps are due in about two months... Today I started my 7a.m. wake up, with yoga, and a hour of studying before I even dream of getting ready for work. The goal is to study two hours a day and write for two hours a day. On days off , like yesterday, that wasn't difficult. However on days I work I know it will be. Here is to an adventure, and finding my drive again.


Sitting with my ego state work this week has really been intense. I think I end of crying every time..
One of the big ones is realizing that the oldest version of me that is there is from the first time I wanted to commit suicide, from losing two friends and two family members in the span of six months, from coming out, from one of my dearest friends completely abandoning me... from trying to confront my past in the middle of all of it.

She is the girl that depended on music and school to be happy..it is something that I feel like I am disappointing and abandoning because I am choosing to leave music.. I need to work on this to find peace with my new path

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, been thinking of you.  i know you've been ultra busy.

hoping school apps go well.  been there, done that - it's a nerve-wracking time to say the least!

that girl you identified as being excited by school and music - i don't think you've let her down or abandoned her.  you're still fighting for school, and you were traumatically forced away from the music you love.  i have faith that eventually it will come back to you.  maybe not today or tomorrow, but when you're ready.

please be gentle and patient with yourself.  this is a tough time mentally in your life.  i think you're doing a really good job.  you'll get there, honey.  i have no doubt.  my best to you always.  sending a loving hug filled with encouragement and mental clarity.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, San. It means the world to me. 

The school apps are nerve wracking... trying to get the all done and just hoping someone see potential in me.

Thank you, I appreciate your insight on my younger self. I will try to think of it more like that, because there is truth there. I do know that I can play piano and feel at home still. It is a bit of music that is not lost, most of the damage is directly to my flute playing. I just don't have a keyboard at home. I am hoping I can get one though. I do wish for the rest of my music to come back to me one day. It will just never become the career that I had always dreamed. That forever is ruined for me.

I could definitely use that encouragement and mental clarity. This whole process brings so many questions for me. I question whether I am choosing correctly for my career path. My other option would be psychology so I could be like the people that help me. That has always been an option but one I have always decided wasn't something that I could do and be healthy. One that I decided would never be enough for me either. But I am prone to questioning the one I have chosen.

Thank you for believing in me, and reminding me I am doing well through all of this

[sanmagic7]

making a choice on a career can always be confusing, scary, and possibly changes as we get older. 

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a brain researcher.  i found it fascinating to discover what went on in there.  when i got older and found out what it entailed to become a brain researcher, i changed my chosen profession to teaching.  i loved the idea of imparting knowledge to young minds.  i started college for that.

at the end of two years, there wasn't enough money to continue with college, so i chose another career path - hairdresser.  i went to beauty school and did hair for quite a few years.  that got interrupted when my legs gave out and i had a baby.

in my 40's, my daughters were old enough, i thought, that i could return to college, but now a whole new career path opened up to me - i wanted to be a counselor of some kind.  i started out at community college to be a subs. abuse counselor, but it fell thru.  then i went to a 4-yr. college, got my degree in psych., and was determined to become a therapist.

yep, i got into grad school (so i know what you're going thru right now, how important it feels to do this just right), finished, took the accreditation test, and became a therapist.  i was nearly 50 by the time this came to be.  what i'm trying to say is you may make many, many choices about careers in your life.  some will work out, some won't.  but, please, don't ever let anything stop you from making another choice if that's what you want to do.

you've got your whole life to choose, and choose again if that's what it takes.  you may circle around and return to a former choice.  it's your future to do with as you please.  questioning these things are, to my mind, part of our big picture.  i know you'll do exactly what's best for you, whether it's now or down the road a bit.  your light will not be stifled.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.