Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Tomorrow's the day.. back to therapy after last weeks tough session. I feel like I really have to mentally prepare for it. I sat with my Littles, to remind them I could take care of them.. that they are safe. Honestly, I feel my heart breaking for them, for me. I went through so much, there are so many hurt and terrified parts of myself.

A lot came up tonight regarding my M.. and then some memories I haven't told me T about.  She knows that she doesn't know everything, and we are in the process of that happening... but there is a lot of cover there, and it doesn't all just come up. The timeline process helped some but we didn't finish and what we do have isn't completely true either.. as there are things missing, left out etc.

At this point I am not sure what I will get into in session tomorrow. I know I am scared of it... after last week it will take true courage and strength to go back. I feel like I am bracing for impact 

also have been shaming myself for the lack of stuff that has gotten done on my three day weekend... but I have been so utterly exhausted and just burnt out 

[Three Roses]

Your T sounds sensitive and thoughtful. Mine used to say if I was ever overwhelmed we could just play cards or something. Take care of yourself, Elphanigh. Gentle safe hugs to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there.

Yes, grieving can be an overwhelming process. I hope you take it slow and be gentle to yourself.

See you around, Elphanigh.

[Elphanigh]

Three roses, my T is definitely sensitive and thoughtful. I am very lucky to have found her. She and I drew with chalk one day for my inner child, and she in general reads my needs very well.

The safe gentle hugs are so appreciated, thank you 


Decimal, slow and gentle is a new thing for me. I am trying to though. Thank you 

[Elphanigh]

Trigger warning (inner child, mom issues, anger, fear)
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Had a really intense but good session today. After last week it took a great deal courage to go back in. I was honest about this fear and apprehension. She is also just very receptive, and great at what she does.

Anyways I got to start to reframe how I look at anger, and got to sit with the littles that it is connected to. My little 6 year old, 10 year old, and the 14 year old that holds the anger. That last one scared the others last week, and got reminded of all the things her abusers told her to be.

Although the strongest part of my session was to do with my mommy issues... I have never liked to admit just how strong those were. But I got to openly discuss wishing that I had a mom that was there for me, that wasn't scary. My mom was scary and abusive... and I always put her in a place of good because she was less abusive, less damaging, less mean, just less bad than other abusive people in my life.

It is powerful to sit with my littles and realize how much they craved a mom.. and how much they never had one. Instead I became a mom for my siblings, and watched my mom be a good mother to them but not me.

I can sent with that loss, grief, and the sense of resentment I have towards her now. It is hitting me especially hard with the holidays, and the thought of going home to see my family on Christmas.

[sanmagic7]

please be gentle with yourself on all levels, el.  this is some rough road you're walking, and it's tiring and exhausting and can get overwhelming in its size and intensity.   we don't have to be busy all the time just because there are a few days off work.  those may be the best days for our minds to just relax a bit after all the work they've been doing.

loving warm hugs to you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for that reminder. As I am just now sitting down after working a 14 hour day I am realizing the truth in it. I found out that I don't have a day off until next Friday, so eight days in a row. Today was a 14 hour long day and tomorrow will probably be  just as long. With grad school test looming and application paper  needing finished I am worried about the amount of rest I will be getting.

Honestly I'm not sure how I'm gonna get it all done. I don't want to go back to the girl that I was in my undergrad degree.  She was so unhealthy, and wasn't dealing with her trauma

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, I agree with San here. Be gentle towards yourself.

It is an incredibly tough thing to be aware of all the hurt inside you. When I realized that many of the good things in my life were actually just "the less horrible" or "less traumatizing" experiences, I was overwhelmed by the grief of this realization. It threw me off gaurd in intense ways — because while it gave me answers, it was questioning my own worth in life to realize how bad it was.

Take your time. You're going through a lot of hurt after all.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you  that is such a great reminder. Also you put words to a feeling that I couldn't

[Elphanigh]

I have taken to doing some really good self care today. Even managed to tell work no when they tried to call me in today. I took the day off to rest, and get some of my stamina back. Working almost thirty hours in two days was too much, even for me. Being on my feet, and having to be on top of my game for that many hours non stop was exhausting.

Currently I am worried about getting grad school applications done, and doing well on the g.r.e. In just over a week. It is a lot to tackle with work and everything. This relates to my recovery because recovery is also exhausting and I am trying to find a balance.

In my undergrad I was okay never sleeping, not eating properly, and working myself until I dropped.... I would cycle through it, and as the semesters went on that cycle would quicken. I was always sick, anxious, exhausted, and all around unhealthy. My symptoms were at an all time high because I was demanding so much of myself, and not giving myself anything in return. I don't want to go back to that  state to get everything done.

I have to find another way, there has to be another way. A healthy way to do all of this. I am determined to find it. These next five weeks are crucial for me, and will test my conviction for both graduate school, and my recovery journey.

I decorated for Christmas tonight. It is the first time I have had legitimate Christmas decorations for my apartment since I left home when I was 18. It is really nice to have done that. Despite my families shortcomings, they made Christmas special. It was one day I could count on that people would smile, there would be no hitting, and I would get to see family members that were healthy.

As a kid I adored the holidays, I got to see people I rarely saw. It brought out a side of my mom I did get to see much. It brought out the good in her, and sometimes my dad would participate. Which he was pretty neglectful so it was a big deal. It still is a big deal.

This year it should mean me getting to see my siblings. My sister is pregnant and I am so excited to sit with her and chat about it. I can give her things I want my niece or nephew to have. I trust her to end the abuse cycle in my family. She wasn't directly a part of most of it, I made sure of that, but she witnessed some. I think she can break that cycle with her kid. I hope she can. I won't have kids of my own to do that with, but I can help her as best I can from here.

My parents did some really terrible things, and my home was not always a good one... but I can't help but cry a bit typing all of this. Remembering some of the good, and recognizing how little I see them. I miss them sometimes. I really have the last few days, and that is hard. I feel like I shouldn't miss them.

My family sent me a package for Thanksgiving because they hadn't in a long time. Every one Put something in the box and each of them wrote me a letter, and even my younger cousins that are just starting middle school. It was the sweetest thing, and brought so many feelings... as typing this all up is.

Between that box and having to work tirelessly to help other families celebrate the last couple of days, my heart has taken a large hit. I miss them more than I have in a long time. I know I am healthier when I am farther away from them, but there are parts I miss. Parts of me that know I am the only one that will ever go very far from that place. My S did for a while but she ended up backa t home, so I am the one that everyone only sees once a year... maybe twice if they get lucky. My niece or nephew will grow and barely know me. That's hard.

I know this is better, and I am busy living my own life. I am ending the abuse cycle in my own way... and learning to love who I am becoming.. but it hurts some nights

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, being a workaholic can be tough. I was freeze-flight in the 4Fs for much of my life. I remember working so hard I would get sick with fevers and just physically collaping on a regular basis. Not fun.

I can relate to missing the past even if it was worse. I even missed emotional breakdowns, I missed criticizing myself more, I missed feeling afraid, depressed and shameful more. I don't know why. I didn't want it. But I missed it.

I don't know with you — but I think I missed it not because I wanted to be hurt but because I was more afraid of the future. I was able to solve and gain experience on past problems, but the future was unknown and looming before me. It was terrifying.

Whatever the reason is — I hope you allow yourself to feel. It might have been horrible back then — but it was your life and your family.

Be gentle with yourself as always, alright? 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Decimal. That is some good insight here. Sorry younalso had that same type of workaholism.

Idk that I miss it, so much as I don't know how to live in this state very long. It is unusual... I do miss feeling like I was getting everything done, and being more capable than everyone else... because that's is how people looked at me. They saw all my accomplishments, not what it was doing to me. So i feel lazy and not productive right now.

Thank you for reminding me I can feel this, and miss it sometimes.

I will be kind to myself I promise

[sanmagic7]

el, of course you miss them sometimes.  the holidays and all, especially if those were some of the better memories you had.  it's ok to do that, as long as we also remember the reason we left it behind.  the neg. far outweighed the positive, and that's something we can't change.  i miss my daughter, too, but i won't go near her.  i know it won't change.

do you think, for these 5 crucial weeks, that you can prioritize for yourself in order that you don't get overwhelmed and crash and burn just when you need yourself the most?  what's the very most important thing to you to accomplish?  set that one thing at the top, and schedule everything else  around it so that you will make sure you have enough time and energy to get that done correctly. 

i don't want to see you back in that destructive cycle, either.  been there, done that.  i could pull all nighters when i was young, juggle 17 different things, each of which took more time than i had, and still get everything done.  i was also smoking and drinking to excess in order to keep myself going.  not healthy at all.

i think that recovery means recovering ourselves, our true selves, and the reality of that which goes along with it.  just because we don't do what we used to do, beating ourselves mercilessly in order to get it all done, doesn't mean we're slackers now.  it just means we've adjusted to a new reality.

sure, you can miss that part of you.  i miss that part of me at times.  it gets less and less with practice, and realizing that a lot of what i used to do has caused me to be the way i am now.  then i know that i don't really want to go back there.  so, altho it's new territory, it's a better version of you, to my mind.  just have to get used to it, and that will come with time.

big hug to you, sweetie, filled with time enough, energy enough, to accomplish what's most important.  and, lots of love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear 

I do know why I left, it is just hard sometimes... I know I will see them for s few days at Christmas and that it will be as much as I can handle. I love them but history has shown I can only ever handle them for like five days, and then I am craving my life back.. this is my life and one I have been tirelessly building. I need to remember I always miss it when I am around my family.

I do need to prioritize for these five weeks. Graduate school is the most important thing for me right now. I need to create time and energy to finish that. I work tonight but I will sit down and plan how to do that tomorrow before I go into work. Make a game plan and stick to it. I can focus on that and let other things slip just a little in order to do it. That way I don't go back to that cycle. Thank you for reminding me this is a better version of myself, that other people don't want to see me back there.

I too used to pull a few all nighters a week, and would only sleep about 4 hours on the nights I was. About once a month I would sleep for about 10 or 12 hours and then would repeat. I drank in excess.. never smoked but being an instrumentalist it was pretty important to avoid it.

I am glad that it has gotten easier to miss it less for you. I am hopeful that I will as well. Part of me worries that going into graduate school will bring that part of me back, and that I will enjoy it in a way. I don't think I will let it happen, but it is a bit of a concern.

Thank you for the hug. I am glad for it

[Blueberry]

My parents did some really terrible things, and my home was not always a good one... but I can't help but cry a bit typing all of this. Remembering some of the good, and recognizing how little I see them. I miss them sometimes. I really have the last few days, and that is hard. I feel like I shouldn't miss them.

.....

Between that box and having to work tirelessly to help other families celebrate the last couple of days, my heart has taken a large hit. I miss them more than I have in a long time. I know I am healthier when I am farther away from them, but there are parts I miss. Parts of me that know I am the only one that will ever go very far from that place. My S did for a while but she ended up backa t home, so I am the one that everyone only sees once a year... maybe twice if they get lucky. My niece or nephew will grow and barely know me. That's hard.

I know this is better, and I am busy living my own life. I am ending the abuse cycle in my own way... and learning to love who I am becoming.. but it hurts some nights

Some of what you've written here I've been experiencing in the last while, so just want to say, standing with you, in the pain and hardness of it. 

But also yay for us for living own lives, ending abuse cycle, being far away from FOO, working on becoming and staying healthy.