Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[sanmagic7]

hey, el, your strength and resilience are remarkable.  this realization of what it takes to recover, the pain, the losses, the emotions, the complexities, what you are looking forward to - maybe that's why your t told you this may be a year to focus on what you're going through, having the time and energy to slog thru the muck of recovery.

i'm glad for your tears.  i had some the other week, took me a minute to realize they were for me and what i've gone thru this year.  yes, healing, while being draining at the same time.  i can so relate.

best to you for getting thru the holidays.  remember, earth mother spirit will be with you to give you added strength, composure, clarity, and stamina as you face those reminders.  warm, loving hug coming your way, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Awe, San, you are wonderful my dear.  It is always amazing what you see in me. I think my T was on to something when she said that. I will be needing to focus on many things but recovery will need to be the priority, some self growth is what I need. That strength and resilience you see in me will be so essential I think.

I am glad you found tears for yourself too. You deserve them, as much as I do.

Earth mother spirit will be so helpful, I will need all that she brings as I face this. It is only five days but that five days can be full of many things. Sending you warm , loving hugs as well 

[Elphanigh]

*trigger warning* not major but FOO issues, and holidays

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I traveled all day, and have been awake for about 21 hours at this point. Dealing with people all day, and somehow I can't find sleep. Being home with my FOO is harder this year, swallowing back my comments or objections is more difficult.  I know it is because I have grown, and because I have truly started to recover but it is only day one of five and I am remembering why I only do this once a year. I remember why I worked so hard to get out of this situation and be independent.

I am grateful for my growth, but the reminders this place brings and the problems with my family are just so painstakingly large this time around. I know I will get through and that there will be good moments but I needed to post in a place where I feel like I am respected and heard. Here I am invalidated, made to feel like I can say or ask anything, that I can't question how things are... I feel like I can't think for myself without it backfiring here.

Posting in this safe space brings some of that voice and validation back to me. I know I don't lose it just because I am not getting it here, but it is difficult to be back in a space where I am forced to play small to survive without large fights and backhanded comments.

Sorry this was more of a rant than I intended *sigh* 😔

Sidenote: Will start a new journal I think when I am back from this place this one is super long (sorry mods, I write a lot....) this year brings a new journey I just need to decide how to frame it first

[DecimalRocket]

If validation is what you want, then validation is what you receive from me. You're doing your best. You're important. You're hurt and you need care. You've grown so much. You have support here.

Take care. 

[Elphanigh]

Decimal, thank you so very much for all of those kind words. Exactly what I needed 

[sanmagic7]

if that's exactly what you needed, el, then may i say 'ditto' to d.r.'s comments.

very interesting, isn't it, as we move forward in recovery, how we are able to see things more clearly, and, in your case, take care of ourselves more willingly, carefully, and with better understanding.  playing 'small' is a brilliant observation.  i think that hits the nail on the head.

hang tough, sweetie - hangin' right beside you the rest of the way.  big warm, loving, completely validating hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. Recovery is certainly interestingly. Seeing things more clearly isn't difficult but I am glad it means I have grown. That it bugs me to play small now, because I am so much bigger than I was when this was my life. I am trying to be observant and not judgemental with  with everything that comes up while I am here.

Good to have you with me. Hugs are always wonderful

[Elphanigh]

Traveling back to my home today. Soon I will embark on the long 13 hours it will take me to get there. I have been in my childhood home with my FOO for a full five days. The first few were truly rough on me but the last few have been genuinely good. I think I stopped judging what was coming up, and was able to look past some of the bad to focus on the good. This trip has reminded me why I choose to stay away and not come back here, but it has also reminded me of what I am missing by being away.

This place will be so different the next time I come back, and quite frankly I will be just as different. Recovery has changed me, and will continue to do so I imagine. The next time I see this place I will be an aunt, and my B will have graduated high school. I am trying to come back in May but am not sure if that will happen or not, and if it is wise.

I do find myself a little sad to leave here. I think things are simple here, and in my "real" life they aren't. Things are understandable and that makes them easier. It is easy in a way to step ack into this world because it is known and normal. The life I am creating outside of this place is unknown and truly uncharted territory for me. Especially without the prospect of school next year I am a little lost and have no idea what is to come. I was going to plan for the new year and kick things off but I was struggling so much the few weeks before Christmas that it didn't happen. I understand why I struggled, and am trying to be kind to myself about it. I can plan and start when I am ready. Now that I have had a bit of a break this will come easier to me.

Either way I think I had some good oberservations while I was here. It wasn't easy but it was good in some ways. I need to decide how to go forward with them. In time I think that path will be a little more clear. For now I take the long travel back, and work for a couple of days

[sanmagic7]

sometimes, i've found that as well.  some kind of connection with someone or some situation can help me remember why i moved away or stay away.  at the same time, there can be a sense of nostalgia about it.  still, when i put it all on the scales, they definitely balance out in favor of staying away.

i may not have known everything about why i left anything or anyone at the time, but the more i recover, the clearer it becomes.  yes, those people and situations are 'known', but, at least for me, they're not normal anymore.  abuse is not normal anymore.  feeling miserable is not normal anymore.  where i am now has presented challenges and adjustments, and it's been rocky and scary and unknown a lot of the time, but i can recognize as i write this that it's a period of transition.

i'm not where i was, but i'm not yet quite where i want to be.   transition.  i suspect that you, too, are in that type of place.  it's not fully known, but on some level, it's better than it was.  yes? or, maybe i'm off track here.  but, that's how it feels to me.

at any rate, i'm glad it ended up basically well for you.   that's not a bad thing, as long as you remember why you don't mingle with those people very often.   going into the new year, el, i wish you only the best.  warm, loving hug to you.  earth mother spirit continues to be with you through all the unknowns in the months ahead.

[Elphanigh]

San, you are right on track my dear. I am definitely in that transition type space. The problem is I feel like I have been through about ten of those in the last five years. It leaves me feeling like I have lived in this weird transition period constantly for way too long and I am not about to get out of it.

My scales do balance for staying away, and they always have. The pull with my sister and my future niece I think is just making this time more difficult. I have a harder time with leaving that girl, and trusting that she will be safe. More than that I worry that she will grow up never knowing me, and that is difficult. I know it is better for me that I am away but I am always pulled to care for people

I left home about five and a half years ago, basically the second I could hop on a place. I have always wanted to travel and had dreams that took me away from the place I lived. I never wanted my families life, or anyone in the space I grew up in really. So hear I am waiting for my plan, on a recovery board, still trying to become what I am discovering is myself. I struggle more now with these decisions than I did as an 18 year old, but I think now I jut see the permanence of my choices. Part of growing up but I know I will forver be the distant relative. No one else left, and maybe no one ever will. So I will always b that one

Thank you for wishing me well in the new year. I have a lot of hopes but know I have a lot of work to do it. I want to make some major progress and I am going into the year knowing that it will take a lot to do so. Earth mother spirit is perfect and reassuring. I will need her as I try to figure out what the months ahead hold for me.

[DecimalRocket]

I wish you a happy new year too, Elpha.

I'm going through a transition period too. Getting out of the false ideas that caused me isolation from emotional neglect was healing, but somehow I still miss those times. I miss the feeling of achievement of being able to say I did things all by myself all the time — yet I know that I hated the pain of having no one to rely on more.

I guess some things that are seen as 100% bad or good are never entirely black and white. And when we sacrifice what is overall bad, we sacrifice what is good in that bad too. Growth can never come without some kind of sacrifice, it seems to me.

San says a transition phase, but to me, our entire lives are transition phases. There's always somewhere better to go to, and nearly everyone's trying to rush on too fast the next thing. So what I do is slow down to find the good in the bad now, and remember that I'll miss it someday. Maybe you'll be different, but, who knows?

Take care, Elpha. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Decimal.  Sorry i was never fully able to respond to that. It resonated greatly with me


Feeling proud of myself this evening. I decided I wanted to jump full force back into my healing journey today. Initially I was concerned about my first therapy session back from holiday but it went well.

I feel like I could sit with my anger for the first time and feel some power in it, not just fear. There were moments it started to get too bug but I stayed calm and managed it in a healthy way.  We are processing with some versions of my inner child. My angry 13 year old has always been hard to deal with but i feel like I got to hear her out and make large progress.

Along side that anger I could start to sit with the anger that adult me owns as well. To not judge too harshly either thing

Thank you all for helping me on this journey! I don't know what I would do without this safe space

[sanmagic7]

13-yr. olds are angry by nature, aren't they?  to me, those young teen years are transitions from being a child but not quite knowing who you are or want to be as an adult.  later teen years seem to me to be the practice time for becoming an adult.  we still need guidance, but we're just about at the age of being 'legal' for many adult practices (such as driving) and situations (such as making grown-up decisions.

your 13-yr. old seems to have a lot to be angry about, and i don't blame her.  thankfully, you have the time and space to work with her, help her get through that anger, and allow her to finally grow in a safe space at a safe pace.  13-yr. old bodies are changing in ways they don't understand, hormones and emotions are racing too fast to keep control of, and boundaries are being tested and pushed against all over the place.  they are a handful even to themselves.

i believe in you, el, and your ability to nurture her through it all.  she's had quite the struggle to make it to 13, and may even be pulled in two directions - she might want to go back to the childhood she should have had, as well as move ahead into the freedom and individuality of adulthood.  i'm don't know for sure, just a thought that came to mind.

whatever is going on with her, tho, i have no doubt you, the adult elphanigh, will be able to see her through to her next phase, healing, being cared for, and gently, lovingly guided.  it may be rocky at times for you both, but i have every faith that it'll come out just right.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

I think the 13 year olds are certainly angry by nature. Mine just holds most of my anger in general. It is a little that has grown and experienced the bits of anger as I was growing as a kid. She is the one that holds most of it, so I didn't have to. Goodness knows she has so much to be angry about. I spent time in session listening to her tell me all that she felt angry about, to hear and remember how many adults messed up. I didn't have good ones often.

Thank you for believing in my ability to nurture and guide her. I believe it today thankfully. You ar ealso right when you say that part of her wants to go back to a childhood she should have had. This will be quite the journey forward

[Three Roses]

Walking with you in your journey,  dear E. 💪