Hard to breath, can't speak *trigger warnings*

[RainbowStorm]

HI everyone,

My first time posting here, and I'm thankful this website was created. When I was going through my 8 and a half year marriage to my uBPDexw, outofthefog.com and the forums there helped me beyond words. Now that I've been out of that marriage for almost three years, it feels like the hard shell I had created to protect myself has cracked, and the C-PTSD has been on overdrive since I found a journal describing her abuse in detail. I thought I had gotten rid of all my writing about her, but my sister had it and we found it. I read it without knowing what I was getting into and I couldn't stop myself once I realize what I held in my hands.

I've been in therapy for, while, ever. And I am in a relationship with someone loving and kind but also with their issues.

I've made an appointment for EMDR and am anxious for the experience but also hopeful that it will help with the constant, relenting state of triggered I've been in this month and even longer.

I've been reading the Body Keeps the Score, and it's helping me understand what's happening when my partner starts saying loving and kind things to me (or just about anything else) and I'm triggered, my defenses attacking her mercilessly in my mind, as I start to disassociate for no seeming reason and the words coming out of my mouth sound like they belong to someone else and my body experience doesn't match my words. My heart is sinking, heavy and hard and it's difficult to breathe and I can't seem to move my mouth to make the words "I'm not okay."


She's going to get me dinner because, like I said, she's loving and kind. And supportive and understanding and compassionate. And I'm so triggered and angry and scared and sad and anxious all I want to do is cry and hide and be far away from anyone who can hurt me...

So I came here to say hi, this sucks, I'm glad you're all here even though I'm sorry you share the same kind of * baggage I do, and thanks for reading <3

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Glad you've joined us. "The Body Keeps The Score" was SO validating and informative. I listened online once and had to buy a hard copy. Good stuff.

[CherryBlossom]

Thank you for your very honest post.  I know it's true.    I believe you.
C

[Heartshome]

My therapist asked me to repeat to myself, "That was then this is now" whenever I start feeling like you are right now. I know it sounds simplistic, but it has really helped me. Perhaps you might find it useful as well.

[They tried to brake me]

Hi Rainbow, I am new to the forum too. I am just learning about EMDR. I was married at a young age to someone who's favorite pass time for 11 years  was to try to extinguish my spirit, my soul as well as my life. My sister is a therapist and I just  received a book for my birthday. It is all about EMDR. It is called "Tapping In" by Laurel Parnell, PH. D. So far I have only read a few pages but I practiced some of the techniques last night in the middle of the night when I woke up feeeling uneasy- I was able to fall back to sleep rather quickly- maybe the book can help you.  Keep up the good work, we will all be here for you, I am sure. I am glad you posted.