dissociation struggles

[stephernovasx]

Under amounts of great stress I feel there is like an evil me that takes over my brain, as though I've just mentally snapped, and it wants to inflict harm on myself (although I never would), or some form of self-sabotage simply because I am under the belief I deserve it. I rationalize it by saying things like, "it will heal"/"so you'll just have to clean up the mess"/or, "you'll just have to work harder to pay it off".

This happened after I felt dissociation after my walk with my dog. It lasted for about 5-10 minutes and then I felt back to normal... 

[Dee]

 

I hear myself telling myself that I deserve bad things all the time.  I have to counter it and for every bad thing I say to myself try to challenge it with something positive.  For example sometimes I tell myself I am evil.  So then I tell myself evil people don't feel compassion.  If I say I am less than.  I challenge it with I am no better or worse than other people.  I write my challenges out in advance and keep them on a card with me at all times.  It really helps.

[dsgirl]

When I dissociate, I tend to not feel connected to my body. It starts off with me feeling like I've got a balloon in my stomach and it's growing.
I'm on autopilot and looking from the outside no one could guess that anything is wrong, I'm a great actor.
I go through all the motions of life, getting up for work, being sociable, and I play the part but I'm numb.
In the meantime I berate myself for pretty much everything, I go out of my way to make myself not feel good enough.
I hide, I crawl into bed, put the blanket over my head and sleep.

That can go on for hours, days or weeks on end. In the meantime I'm on guard not to let anyone know anything is wrong, making sure I play the part perfectly to the outside world. Being that hyper-vigilant all the time is exhausting, and eventually I end getting insane panic attacks.

I am constantly criticizing myself. You didn't eat the right food, you're too fat, you're hair is a mess, your skin is too dry, you didn't do your eyeliner right it looks silly, you should have gone to the shop and bought good food and cooked it and not ordered a take away, you wasted money on that when it could have been spent on this, you should have studied last night you're wasting time. You get the idea.

It's not until I am exhausted mentally and physically, and the anxiety and panic attacks are debilitating, that I start to take care of myself.
I am trying to change that cyclical behavior now by going to therapy, and reading books and joining this website.
I have a deeper understanding now of what the issue is and I am beginning to now build a connection with others, and I am learning to stop feeling the need to be the 'caretaker' in my family, and dealing with the associated guilt with that.

With the encouragement of my SO, I am learning to take care of myself, my body, my mind and MY future.
I still go through the above cycle but now for shorter periods of time, so it is getting better. I am starting to understand my actions now and I'm getting help to change my habits, and deal with my chronic pain from the stress of it all.

I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks it's a constant battle.

At my best I remind myself of all the positive impacts I've had on other peoples lives, the love I've given, the compassion, the empathy, the time, the respect and the loyalty I've shown. I remind myself that despite my difficult start, I've got this far, that I have a disorder, and I must respect that, as much as if I was ill with the flu, I sometimes need to take extra care of myself so that I can recover.

I am very blessed that  I and my SO have built a deep emotional connection. Even though I still struggle with the security of a relationship and I'm learning to navigate the routines of a healthy relationship. I am learning to be an equal entity in the relationship, with as much value, presence, opinion and responsibility, that this entails. As much as I am learning to love him, I am equally learning how to love myself.

I am not surprised now that I find it difficult to love myself, I don't even know who I am because for as long as I have been living I have had multiple roles dominated by other people. My father's punch bag, my mothers suitcase for her emotional guilt trips and requests, the black sheep of the family, the scapegoat, the fixer in the family, the protector.

I am learning to relate to other people without the need to assimilate to them. I am learning to be myself, as I learn about myself. Me in my own body, I am moving from being stuck to coming of age, finding my own path. It's terrifying at times and I resort back to hiding, but bit by bit I am dissociating less.

Apologies for the long winded reply, I struggle with this too, and it triggers me sometimes.

One slow breath at a time eh