I'm confused about memories, help understanding please

[Dee]

I did it again, I remembered something I forgot.  Then it was more like I didn't forget, I just didn't think about it.  Now that I am triggered, and remember because of being triggered, I can't stop thinking about it and I wonder how I ever forgot in the first place.

I also know I repressed some things.  I remember a beginning, and ending, and nothing in the middle.  I have no idea what happened.  I do remember at the time thinking nothing did, but now as an adult I know that doesn't make an sense with what I do remember.  I know something happened, I just don't know what.

So when I forget something entirely and remember after being triggered, was it repressed or did I forget.  Does anyone else do this?

[Elphanigh]

Dee, I am not sure if it is repressed or not at that point. I have had that happen though, and it can be really scary. I hope you have managed to get more grounded since you wrote this. I am sorry you are having to remember in this way 

[alchemist]

Sometimes it is too overwhelming to remember everything at once, so your bodymind has to remember it in pieces.  It will come back to you.  It is perfectly normal.  And I don't think you are ungrounded.  It is normal to remember and forget and eventually you will have all the pieces in place Dee, Dear.

[Blueberry]

So when I forget something entirely and remember after being triggered, was it repressed or did I forget.  Does anyone else do this?

Dee, if I understand you correctly, I have done this in the past. I think I'd say that it was repressed in my case. I've never had cases where I remember the beginning and the end but not the middle. More like everything or nothing. Or at some random time.

[Dee]

TW

There are times I forget things entirely.  They just come back like I never forgot, but at the same time I never remembered.  This happened the other day and more and more often recently.

**TW**  Then, there are times I thought something didn't happen, but I know better.  Like I laid on the couch next to my abuser and then I remember him thanking me.  No middle....  I remember being afraid, and I remember relief he was leaving....  I know something had to happen, but I have no idea what.

Are they both types of repression.  I have never got a middle back yet.  I don't want it either.

[Three Roses]

I wish I knew the answers. I can only tell you that I've experienced the same - glimpses of a beginning and an end, no middle. But now, the middle has come back to me.

I've heard that you never forget anything. All your unused memories are stored in an archive, and while you may not actively "remember" them I believe they are still there.

Our minds are so fascinating! They take painful memories and store them until we are ready and willing to review them. I don't know if that's called "forgetting" or "repressing" but in my case I'm glad I've recovered my memories. They may hurt to deal with but they hurt anyway, until I deal with them.

[Lingurine]

This is so very interesting Dee. I think about this a lot since repressed memories come to the surface. I never believed in suppressed memories before but now I do, and I don't at the same time, but I think that has more to do with the gaslighting from my youth. Trained to deny, because my FOO denied my being and my words. Maybe there lies a root of our problems, we were told to suppress and deny our feelings and observations, so no wonder we question every one of them.

It's scary, because, can you trust what you remember and what to make of all the bits and pieces. To me, it are mostly images. Like movie images, not a whole story. I think that has to do with the nature of the abuse.

What it comes down to for me is this: does it really matter what we remember? I take the feelings, because they are more real to me. I trust my feelings more at the moment.
Long story.

Lingurine

[Dee]

I know it doesn't matter, but I think I am experiencing repressed memories.  It is just that they didn't come like I thought they would.  I have had some flashbacks of what I think is middles, but I can't make sense of it.  It really is a flash.  However, most memories are mostly like I never forgot.  It isn't like a flashback and I am hiding under a table like I thought I would be.  It just comes to me and is confusing because it is like it was always there.  It's a little funny that we have an idea of how it might be, then find out it is totally different.

Thank you all for your support.  Sometimes, it helps to understand what is going on.  Making sense of it can make it feel more normal in a way.

[woodsgnome]

I've often experienced the awful void of the repressed memory bits. Stuff flies in from the edges of memory, followed by fear there's more where that came from. I think I've come a long ways in emerging from the shadows of so much grief and pain, but it's like the mind's memory doesn't want to lose its grip on inducing more fear and sadness.

And I fight. And wither--don't have the strength to fight back; I only want to run away and hide. Then--I know this will sound odd--I befriend them; I personalize the repressed memories and concur that they were escaping too and needed as much compassion as I do. They don't want to do what they're doing, but are as trapped as I am--it's what memories do.

And it's still all mystery. The fear is wondering what is still there that I don't remember, but still sense. Other than temporary mental pain, what threat are they to me now? Maybe letting the mystery be is all I ever want to know? Or can handle? Yes, I want to be in control, but here I can't get a grip either. Fact is, I can't control what happened; but can, and am, seeking ways to regroup and live in my own peace.

[Blueberry]

Sometimes, it helps to understand what is going on.  Making sense of it can make it feel more normal in a way.

Dee, this is what I feel too. I like to be able to understand what's going on. Often there is some sort of explanation, like how our brains function or how memory is stored. If there is, it helps me feel less crazy and helps me realise: there is actually a scientifically-based reason for some of my problems. They're not all 'in my head' and invented by me. Feels more like proof, which was very important in my FOO.

* * TW * *
I also have memories that come only as physical feelings, like my whole body goes cold. And other ones that come only as emotions. Though just recently there has been a strong emotion and an image. Maybe these are memories which are missing some puzzle pieces and could eventually become whole?? I don't know. Time will tell as usual.

[Blueberry]

I've often experienced the awful void of the repressed memory bits. Stuff flies in from the edges of memory, followed by fear there's more where that came from. I think I've come a long ways in emerging from the shadows of so much grief and pain, but it's like the mind's memory doesn't want to lose its grip on inducing more fear and sadness.

You have a very expressive way of writing, woodsgnome! I can certainly relate to your first two sentences here. I have often felt that stuff suddenly comes flying up from who knows where, but "from the edges of memory" is probably more true to fact. Thanks for that idea.

And I fight. And wither--don't have the strength to fight back; I only want to run away and hide. Then--I know this will sound odd--I befriend them; I personalize the repressed memories and concur that they were escaping too and needed as much compassion as I do. They don't want to do what they're doing, but are as trapped as I am--it's what memories do.

Here I can relate too. I fight back. I give up (often enough because of exhaustion and weakness). I disappear for a few days, do a bit of 'horizontal time' = lie in bed. For me, that's how I hide and how I regroup.
Novel idea: befriend them and give them compassion! That gives me food for thought. It's maybe a bit like working with inner children? Getting to know them, giving them some time, asking them what they need to feel better?
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[Dee]

I finally figured it out.  The memories that I have forgotten, then remember, like I never forgot are dormant memories.  This has happened several times lately and I had to figure out what was going on with me.  I finally found it.  This is different from repressed memories.  I don't think I have ever had a repressed memory come back.  I know I have them because of having a beginning and end, no middle.  Honestly, I don't want or need to know the middle.

-Dormant memories typically are forgotten memories of real events that rush back into consciousness after a trigger, generally without any involvement with a therapist.

Sometimes abusive events during childhood will be gradually be forgotten, but are later suddenly restored through some triggering mechanism. A person who was abused during childhood and who eventually forgot the abuse might see a photograph of the abuser, read an article about abuse, hear of a reference to the abuser, etc. Very quickly, the memories are restored -- often in seconds. No therapy is usually involved. The results are unexpected, and are frequently very disturbing to the individual.