Letter to an old T

alovelycreature · December 20, 2014, 07:34:58 PM

I felt it would be a good thing for me to express anger at an old T I had who originally diagnosed me with CPTSD. Things ended badly. This felt like a safe place to express my anger. Please excuse my colorful language. I don't know if I'll send this or not. I want to, but I have anxiety about doing so also. I almost feel like this could be practice for writing a letter to my uNPD (possibly undiagnosed CPTSD) Mom. I have been wanting to get mad at her so much lately, but I don't feel like I'm ready to say anything to her yet.

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T,

   Over the past few years, I have wanted to write you angry emails about how I felt betrayed by you. I never did because I didn't want to open a door I had closed.

   During some of our last sessions together, it had to do with my relationship with my partner, and I didn't want to talk about it or explore it. Yet, it was something you were pushing me to explore. I felt tired of saying (in whatever way I did at the time, from my memory) that I didn't want to talk about it, and wanted a break from it. So, I thought the best thing for me to do was leave therapy for a while and cool off.

   However, I felt lambasted about my actions from you. I received countless voicemails and emails about our next session. At the time, I felt completely victimized. I was like, "Is my therapist a complete psycho? This is my time and she is supposed to be my ally, not my mother." I really did feel like I was trapped. I felt like you were being my Mom. Like, not matter how much I told you, "Leave me alone," you didn't and weren't planning on it.

   I don't know if this is how you wanted me to feel. I don't know if you wanted me to get angry with you. I think back to that time in your office when you were trying to get me to yell, "* you," and I just couldn't. I really couldn't. I really just wasn't ready. At the same time, I felt I couldn't stand up to you or challenge you. I did feel domineered in our relationship. I felt like between you, my partner, and my Mom that I was trapped by people who just wanted to control me. Everyone just wanted me to live my life on their terms and not mine.

   I really felt betrayed by you. I still do. I think to myself, "Yes, I understand that point in my life where I was at and I probably needed to be angry, but I wasn't ready. Why was someone trying to force me through the grief process?" I mean, being able to be angry is part of grief and in therapy I understand the importance of it, but I wasn't ready. I didn't feel like you really understood me. I don't know if there was some weird countertransference going on or what. I don't know if I triggered something in you. It really just didn't feel right.

   I just couldn't believe after that our relationship was healthy or therapeutic in any way. I thought, maybe she wants to help me, and just can't. Maybe she thinks she's helping, but she's not. Does she really understand trauma? If she did, why would she be treating me this way?

   I thought maybe I had got what I needed from you, an answer, a diagnosis. Did you know that when you told me you thought I experienced trauma that totally changed my life? At the time I felt like, "Duh, my Mom's a completely psychopath." Since I stopped therapy, I have read tons about CPTSD. Reading about CPTSD and connecting with others in an online support group has completely changed my life. I don't know where I'd be today without that simple validation of a trauma diagnosis. Or, I guess I would be on all sorts of mood stabilizers with a diagnosis of rapid cycling bi-polar from the therapist a saw after you. I would be labeled just as crazy as I really thought I was, or as my Mom wanted me to think I was. The therapy world can be very ineffective and problematic for survivors.

   The reason why I decided to write you this e-mail now is because I'm finally ready to practice "angering." I have developed some wonderful and amazing friendships, and have at least one friend I can go to about anything. I have people in my life who really accept me and love me for who I am. I have friendships where I never experience shame. I am in safe place to be angry.

   I have also wanted to ask you many questions. What the * were we doing when I was in therapy? What were you thinking? What were you trying to get me to do? What did you think I needed? Why didn't you provide me any psychoeducation on trauma? Do you even understand how to treat it, or were you just getting supervision? Was I some sort of practice? Did you think you were helping me? How come you were acting as my therapist (in an authoritative sense) and not my ally?

   I have read lots about all the "wonderful" 12-step therapy programs (CBT, DBT, ACT, and other therapies insurance will pay for) for the treatment of just about everything from trauma to depression to personality disorders. It doesn't make any sense. I don't care what studies have been done, all that * has caused some sort of short-term awareness, but hasn't helped in the long term. Every talk therapist I've been to just thinks that I'm a wackadoodle who refuses to take medication for everything from anxiety, to depression, to bi-polar disorder. I mean, these are all misdiagnosed as trauma quite frequently.

   I see now why it was important for me to be angry. I wish I had had the courage to ask you what the * was going on. What the * we were doing. I wish I had felt the safety to ask those questions then instead of now.

   Before writing this, I would think, "What do I want to get out of sending this to T?" It was a hard question to ask. Did I want to open up communication with you again potentially? Yes and no. I know how much fear rules my life, and I feel like I have the right to break that fear and tell others how I have felt wronged by them. I mean, that's what a healthy adult would do: start a conversation (at least in my fantasy world of well adjusted adults). Or at least attempt to get some answers.

Sincerely,

Alovelycreature.

keepfighting · December 20, 2014, 08:59:30 PM

Hi, lovely,

I can feel your pain and anger and sheer disbelieve at being treated like this by your T in your letter.

I think it was a good call to break off with your T - pure self preservation.

Did you ever consider that this T might be a narc herself? Becoming a T is one of the professions narcs are drawn to - infinite supply - and by the time you started becoming stronger and better and refused to be drawn into a path that didn't feel right for you, it all went pearshaped. The refusal of your T to accept your breakoff also suggests that she might be a narc - my T was surprised when I told her I wanted to quit but accepted my reasons no problem, wrote a very supportive email to me and said her door was always open should I need her again in the future. That's a professional reaction for a T - not hoovering and making you doubt yourself and your decision making skills even more.

Here is a blogpost about narcissistic psychiatrists that might be helpful and validating for you: http://blogthenarcissistinyourlifecom.blogspot.nl/2011/10/protect-yourself-from-narcissistic-and.html

Lovely, I am so glad you got rid of this T - no doubt in my mind that it was a healthy and necessary decision. I am also glad you are writing this letter to finally tell her how you feel and I hope it'll help you heal.

Write as many more letters to her as you need (...last year I had to write about 5 to my narc GP whose treatment seriously harmed my health and who actively undermined our attempts to choose another family GP (I later heard I wasn't the only patient who had desperately wanted to break free from this GP but I was one who eventually managed it and found a nice and empathic one who has restored my faith in the profession somewhat).

Best wishes to you! kf

alovelycreature · December 20, 2014, 09:22:44 PM

Thanks KF. I agree with what you said. Thanks for sending me that link. She probably is a narcissist. I'm sure it is easy to pray on trauma victims because of their willingness to submit due to desperation. I'm glad I got out of there. I think I need to do some more reading about narcs. Some books have been suggested to me. What a captivating web they weave.

Bluevermonter · December 21, 2014, 01:45:08 AM

Yeah, LC, your T sounds creepy to me. It's not just T's however. I read kf's link but substituted Chiropractor for T.

When I met my ex, she had been seeing a homeopathic Dr every two weeks for years who did nothing for her health issues. 2-3 years into our r/s she developed a chronic cough that the Dr treated for months before she couldn't get out of bed. Only then could I convince her to see a conventional Dr who treated her for a lung infection w antibiotics. Then the conventional dr found super high cholesterol from a routine blood test that the homeopath didn't bother with. Did I mention that she loved this guy because he listened to her complaints?

Now the chiropractor-- at first the chiro stuck to skeletal alignment like their supposed to, but in the last 5 years of our r/s seemed to branch out into selling supplements, aromatherapies etc as cure-all's for everything from ex's depression, asthma, anxiety, migraines, etc.

Six months before she left, ex started her downward spiral and specially told me to stay out of her medical issues. I did.

On our last day together, I pointed out how ex had been depressed for 20 years and how chiro was a fraud. Frankly, I think they are both narc's feeding off the validation of their superior decision to each be smarty pants patient and dr.

Sorry to get off track here, but I think I invented the term "helping narcissists" to describe people who are in the seemingly large subset of health professionals who are in it for money, reputation, and ego.

P.S. I can't tell you if sending the letter is a good idea or not, as I would love to send similar letter to various people involved w how my ex ended our r/s. Like you, still wondering what good it could do.

I have to remember that old saying: if you don't like the answer, don't ask the question.

Rain · December 21, 2014, 04:14:19 AM

Quote from: alovelycreature on December 20, 2014, 07:34:58 PM
The reason why I decided to write you this e-mail now is because I'm finally ready to practice "angering." I have developed some wonderful and amazing friendships, and have at least one friend I can go to about anything. I have people in my life who really accept me and love me for who I am. I have friendships where I never experience shame. I am in safe place to be angry.

I'm very glad you are letting this out, safe "angering" here, Lovely.

If I felt for a second this whacked T could hear you, or even less so your unhinged mother, then I'd say send the letters. But, they do not have ears to hear you, friend ...only a attack to send to you and you do not need more pain, Lovely.

Let it out, let it out, let it out.

There are unhealthy and harmful people everyone, even in the "healing world" ...gratefully there are more good people than the harmful ones.

I'm glad you are here at OOTS, Lovely ...for us all, and for you.

Onward!!

Rain · December 21, 2014, 04:17:20 AM

Blue, the story on your ex- and your navigating that still continues to floor me.

alovelycreature · December 21, 2014, 04:27:46 PM

Thanks everyone. I decided to post the letter here first because of my contradictory feelings. Your words of wisdom and support are the best answers I could have asked for.

Bluevermonster: Thanks for sharing your story. My partner at the time hated my T too and kept trying to get me to leave. He doesn't like therapy in general so I thought he was biased. However, he was right. Yes, I probably don't want an answer. I have just been angry about a lot of things lately and will be using these letters to vent.

Yes, Rain. I think it will just cause more drama. If I decide to send to send something in the future, I think I will mail it with no return address or anything. All my information has changed since I was a patient of hers.

I do a lot of letter writing, however being able to share it really helps. Sometimes you get too into your head and need others to pull you out.

Kizzie · December 23, 2014, 07:14:44 AM

I'm so sorry for what you went through Lovely but I think you were smart leaving. Beware the "helping narcissist"indeed. I think there are many more people with a PD who help others to feed their own egos than I used to. And what better profession than a T when you think about it? They can control others through their vulnerability and feed off them by playing the Wise T, but in the end clients are just something to prop up their egos. "Look at me, I help people, aren't I wonderful?"

I have had a couple of flags pop up with my new T in that he does a lot of the talking and that concerns me - that he likes the sound of his own voice may mean he is a "helping nT" so my antenna is up. Like you Lovely I will leave if I feel like he is not listening to me. As for your T perhaps you should write a letter to whatever organization has oversight for her and let them know your concerns. It might be a better avenue than writing your T and it may flag her in the system as someone that needs watching. Just a thought.