Acceptance

[sigiriuk]

Hi Evryone
I find it difficult to accept that i was not wanted as a baby, and was hated by my adopted family and abusers.
I can't see much point, and can't see a future for myself, now my son has grown up and left home.
I just don't have a purpose any more. Or i don't feel useful anymore.

Maybe thinking "I am not useful" is part of the abuse. If so, what a cruel thing to teach a child.

Need a bit of support guys. This is killing me.

Slim X

[Three Roses]

I threw everything I had (which wasn't much, let me tell you) into raising children. They were my everything, I'd never wanted to be anything except a mom. When they grew up and moved out, I had a bad case of the "empty nest."

Now, looking back, I think I was trying to re-parent the child I'd been, who didn't have a healthy parent.

You have a future and a purpose, still. Keep posting, keep talking, it helps.

[Elphanigh]

Slim, I have not had children but I threw myself into other things like it sounds like people do with their kids. I lost those things about a year ago and it really sent me spinning. I promise that you do have a future and that you will find for yourself something beautiful.

I agree with Three Roses, that you probably are parenting your younger self in a way. Now that you are empty nesting, maybe you can focus on that part of you? Find a thing that makes it happy and brings you joy. For me that is coloring on occasion and watching some Pokemon. I think everyone is different, but from my understanding a little bit of play can go a long way for our souls.

Keep posting here, I know we are all here supporting you, and rooting for you 

[sigiriuk]

Thank you Three Roses and Elphanigh

You have both pointed out two things that just didn't occur to me, and now that you have, they seem so obvious, but i had a blind spot and could not see:
1. It is partly EmptyNest syndrome.
2. I am re-parenting myself.

Just the fact that you have both replied, has cheered me up. I love replies! Makes me feel connected.

A question though, is it OK to re-parent myself?

Slim 

[Elphanigh]

Slim,

From my understanding it is important to re-parent ourselves a bit. We weren't taught many things that as children we should be. It is important not to neglect the need for it. Look up Trauma Recovery University on youtube. They did a video on re-parenting ourselves that is really great if you like to listen to things.  That channel in general has helped me a lot, but it has helped my inner child a lot. They also do a video on inner child work which is kind of similar, and definitely related.

Best of luck. I am glad our responses could cheer you up. 

[woodsgnome]

The title "Acceptance" on your thread caught my eye, as it's been one of my biggest learning curves of the last few years.

Acceptance is one of those words that can easily be problematic until one considers its true meaning, starting with what it is not. Acceptance isn't the same as resignation, it's more of a chronological realization that the time of the abuse/abusers is past, gone, left behind, can't happen again.

Yes it did leave deep scars. I hate that, but knowing this I also realize those very wounds symbolize that I did survive what they did to my body, soul, spirit. I accept the old hurts, as I can't deny them; and fighting them wears me out, lets them retain the power they had over me.

I've tried a million and one techniques to be rid of the old, and still they circle back to haunt. That's alright--I'm human. The trouble is when I forget to also accept the strength and resilience it took to get here now. On my own, which is even more remarkable. Somehow I found my way through.

Like Elphanigh, i had no kids but put it all into vocational pursuits (acting, education).  Now unable to pursue them (a 'virtual' empty-nester, I guess), it was like the terror of avoiding my memories caught up and the last 5 years especially have been a tough ride.

It seemed silly when I first tried to reorient myself with the inner child work. I had a bit of trouble with the concept, let alone the methods suggested, of contacting one's inner child. But suspending disbelief, I've learned, can be an important part of the process, especially given the severity of the leftover cptsd symptoms (dissociation, ef's, etc.). Suffice to say I finally broke through in inner child work, and it's made a huge difference in re-setting my attitude about moving forward.

Acceptance in this sense still allows one's sadness, anger, rage, and all those other negative vibes. But expand that idea to include accepting the power you have to also honour where you are today, and who you really are, in spite of what may have happened in the old story of one's self. One is in the new story now, and that's all that matters anymore. 

PS--one book that helped a lot was The Deepest Acceptance by Jeff Foster. He has several YouTube videos covering this as well. Someone else worth checking out is Tara Brach's print and video materials.

[Elphanigh]

Woodsgnome, thank you for that response. It may not be my post but I needed that today

[sigiriuk]

Wow
Elphanigh thanks for the recommendation about TR University. Both people there are so clear thinking, and they break it down into a language that I can easily understand and more importantly accept.

Woodsgnome.....wow...just wow!

You guys are a treasure.
Love
Slim

[Elphanigh]

Slim, I am so glad that helped you. You should know they do a live broadcast on Monday evenings. I am normally there to watch that as well, it is a great community of people. There actual website is also amazing, and has some paper resources. I love them for their clarity as well.