Hello. New here. *mild trigger warning* vague details

[Navers]

Hello. I am new here. I am 2/years out of my situation. I met and married a man who was my absolute soulmate. We both felt it the moment we met eyes. We both knew our destiny was tied. I can't explain it any other way. We were magic. We married, and we were perceived as a perfect couple. We had mild issues but we had staying power. We had a policy of direct, loving honesty and support for each other to grow as people.
5years later, shortly after the birth of our second child, he began taking adderall for his anxiety. He later fell into severe psychosis. He was later diagnosed thrice over with SchizoEffective Disorder. Part of his delusions was that I was cheating. He refused medications, other than his adderall and kolonopin (which was. slow dose to stave off the nasty physical addiction he had developed to xanax while following a doctors horrible attempt to calm his social anxiety.) But he would absolutely not hear ANY kind of diagnosis or treatment.
I managed to last 5 years before I just couldn't anymore. I literally broke myself into a million pieces trying to simultaneously anchor him to life and reality, and also weather the abuse his psychosis and delusions put me through. I also sheltered our kids as much as I could, but it was our very life. For the last 5years of our 10 year marriage, the longest we ever went without a severe fight was 20 days, for which the fall was epic. Most days were wrapped up in accusations, battles of logic versus madness, conversations, which amounted to copious amounts of abuse and desperation and heartbreak.we were in individual therapies weekly and couples weekly for 4 of those 5years. He would not tolerate any kind of diagnosis and orefused the Ability his psychiatrist prescribed.
    I finally left. He went into a therapy that seemed to be making headway. Everything topsy derived and I was working with him to keep him in our kids lives. I helped when I could. Sometimes I had to shut off my phone because he would blow me up with 400messages abusing me with his delusions and his "proofs". He put our kids through *. It was very rough but started stabilizing.
We were separated 10 months, and I was firm we were over in any kind of husband/wife way. I helped him create a life and supported him as I could.
     One year ago, he passed away, suddenly in a freak accident. Just gone, from one day to the next, leaving behind our two children, who were both under 10. It has been incredibly difficult. The kids have been in weekly therapy for 2 years since the original separation. i did therapy for a while but was told I was okay and could try letting go of therapy.

On the outside I have done well. Getting a job and promotion and supporting the kids through all of this. He had very unhealthy boundaries with the kids. Before I left, taking the kids with me but allowing regular contact, our son was his spy, and after we left, they became his support. I have worked damn hard to help them. I am still a mess.

I can't allow anyone too close. I have only confided in one friend any kind of details of the 5years I was captive to him and his delusions. The part n of watching someone you love succumb to mental illness is its own *. To be brutalized morning, your love for them becomes ng the biggest weapon n their arsenal to hurt you......I can't trust anyone. I don't! I fake it, but I am both terrific to end up bitter, alone and scarred, and terrific to open myself up again and by hurt. This experienced wasn't hurt. It was the most torturous obliteration of body mind heart and soul you can imagine.
So what am I supposed to do now?
I am broken, shattered...the happy go lucky optimist has been reduced to face and fake it till you make it. He has been gone year, and we were separated 10 months....July makes 2/years since I left and I have not dated. Not once. I tried a dating site 2 months ago and couldn't do it. I sabotaged everyone and when I finally decided to meet a sweet "safe" guy, I freaked out and cancelled because I realized I really just wasn't ready.
But I am starved for some kind of positive bond with someone on a deeper level. I am longing for a healthy relationship. I just don't trust that they can actually exist......
So here I am...
A scarred and scared survivor...who seemingly is handling everting remarkably well.
Sorry this became so lengthy.

[Lingurine]

Navers, welcome to this site. That sounds so horrific and difficult, all the things you went through. Living with your mentally sick partner and afterwards, living without him, while he still bothered you. I am so sorry for your loss and know that it must be hard to trust someone. Maybe you first have to learn to trust yourself again before you trust others. You have every right to take all the time you need to heal from this relationship. It was not your fault, you did what you could under given circumstances. You survived.
Maybe it helps to read and write here and go from there. We all are scarred here and help each other, just by listening.

Take good care of yourself and know you are not alone.

Lingurine

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Navers. I'm so sorry to hear about the living * you went through.

Just the cessation of abuse does not heal you, any more than the end of a war automatically rebuilds the buildings devastated by years of conflict.

Joining us, reading our stories, hearing that you are not alone, and learning about what you've been through is the starting point. Keep reading and posting, keep reaching out - there is healing for you.