Is there even a cure?

[SaraCdx]

Have you ever read or heard about an adult who had gotten cured of CPTSD?

When I read of PTSD that vets got after a tour in a warzone I often come across the "he wasn't himself afterwards".

But what exactly is "myself" if I had gotten CPTSD in through my childhood, through things that happenned ibn my formative years? My personality is a huge scar. There is no happy and healthy "myself" to get back to, because it never had a chance to develop.

I've been through a lot of therapy and sometimes it helped for a while, sometimes it made me worse (dismissive therapists).

If my life is going to be this continuous struggle that eventually spirals back to pain every time, what kind of quality life is it? Is it even worth it?

[Lingurine]

Sara, this is almost a philosophycal question, to be or not to be. Finding meaning and purpose while suffering from PTSD is hard. When, in my life, everything spiralled down, the only way up for me was making art, through painting and using mixed media I found new meaning. This question you ask still pops into my head every once and a while. Disturbing? Yes. Insurmountable? No.

For me it's all about acceptance.

Take care

Lingurine

[Three Roses]

Since CPTSD is caused from an injury or injuries, it is possible for the brain to be healed. What that will look like for each person will vary.

Lots of exciting discoveries are being made in the field of neuroplasticity.

Like you, tho, I wonder what that means for me. My exposure to trauma began before I was verbal. I guess for me, when I think of healing, I think of restoration or getting back to what I was meant to be, or as close as possible.

I've already experienced some healing and I do feel better. I am seeing a gestalt therapist and, while it doesn't address the injuries to my brain itself, it is helping me with all the confusing emotions.

You may be interested in reading "The Body Keeps The Score". The author goes into the why's and how's of traumatic injury as well as different successful therapies. Hope this helps.

[SaraCdx]

Sara, this is almost a philosophycal question, to be or not to be. Finding meaning and purpose while suffering from PTSD is hard. When, in my life, everything spiralled down, the only way up for me was making art, through painting and using mixed media I found new meaning. This question you ask still pops into my head every once and a while. Disturbing? Yes. Insurmountable? No.

For me it's all about acceptance.

Take care

Lingurine

Thank you Lingurine,

This is what I think I'm struggling with. I cannot accept it. Sometimes when I talk about what happenned I actually physically feel lsick and need to run to the toilet to vomit.

The older I get the more framework I have to look back and unravel the gaslighting (My father throughout the years had me convinced it was my fault that he abused and tortured me. When I was very little it was easy. When I got a bit older he went as far as to pulling up literature about bi-polar disorder, showing it to me and saying that was the reason he had to "discipline me". First of all, what he took for a bipolar cycle is me being very, very depressed after he'd attack me for a period of time and then trying to get back to normal life with school activities and friends to just be humiliated and beaten up again when he had a bad day. Secondly, even if a child is bipolar, it doesn't give the caregiver the right to abuse them! *!)

I think now that I'm in a safe place (with my lovely boyfriend and a generally peaceful life) more of the memories/physical panick come up. And the more I see how crazy and cruel that childhood was. I can't forgive it, really. As an adult person I would never put myself around a person like this and I would never knowingly leave a child in a custody of someone like that. But as a child it wasn't my choice to make.

I tried in my teens to do a lot of affirmations and sort of make myself forgive him. I really tried with all my heart. But because the damage was done, living my life I come across triggers that bring the pain, the panick and the nightmares back again and again.

My psychopathic father lives a comfortable life without any remorse and he never went to jail for what he did (I was not brave enough to go to the police, and my mother wanted to keep the dirt in the family and keep the outer appearances perfect).

I do not accept that that person avoided all the consequences and is doing just fine while I am in a prison of PTSD.

[SaraCdx]

Since CPTSD is caused from an injury or injuries, it is possible for the brain to be healed. What that will look like for each person will vary.

Lots of exciting discoveries are being made in the field of neuroplasticity.

Like you, tho, I wonder what that means for me. My exposure to trauma began before I was verbal. I guess for me, when I think of healing, I think of restoration or getting back to what I was meant to be, or as close as possible.

I've already experienced some healing and I do feel better. I am seeing a gestalt therapist and, while it doesn't address the injuries to my brain itself, it is helping me with all the confusing emotions.

You may be interested in reading "The Body Keeps The Score". The author goes into the why's and how's of traumatic injury as well as different successful therapies. Hope this helps.

Thank you for the book recommendation! I've ordered the "Complex PTSD" book that I saw in the recommendations assoon as I found this website, but I'll order this one too. Which one would you recommend to read first?

And thank you for talking about neuroplasticity. I'll look it up. Hopefully it's something that can make me believe that someone with cPTSD can actually heal. I have very little hope left at this point.

[Three Roses]

I'm not sure which other book you're referring to, but I read other books on CPTSD and did not get as much out of them as I did " The Body Keeps The Score", which is an overview of what happens to the brain as the result of trauma and different therapies that have proven successful in treating it. I say, follow your heart - trust your guts - you'll know which one to read first.

[Lingurine]

Sara, I totally get you when you say you don't forgive. That is okay. I don't forgive either. What I try to do is accept, and by that I mean accept that how I feel is what I have to deal with now. Apart from abusers. This is my life and it's not about them. They are history for me. I'm sure that abusers know in their heart they abuse and that their life isn't easy as well.

I am glad that I did not turn into an abuser. I don't identify with them and never will. I just want my life back. The only way for me to do that is to accept that I am what I am, with PTSD or depression. It's not my fault what happened, I just try to live life on my terms now.

Hope this helps.

Lingurine

[Dee]

It's hard to not have a before.  Life without PTSD I don't think ever existed.  I remember having my first nightmare at age 10.  By the time I was 11 I was suicidal.  I have a hard time setting therapy goals because I don't know what is possible.  What I do know is I do keep getting better.  So maybe a cure isn't possible, but improvement is.  I don't think I'll ever have what someone with a before might have, but I'll be so much more appreciative of any improvement.  I won't look and think I am not like before.  I will look and think I am better than I ever was.

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes it seems like words can muck up the process. In this case maybe it's best to abandon or at least be careful of the cure word and just give it our best shot to live, and thrive, beyond the old story. 

There's a certain danger, it seems, in defining a cure as needing certain universal characteristics ("You'll know you're cured when...and...if..."). While guidelines are probably good by themselves, they can boomerang if one or two of the traits said to be necessary for a cure aren't met. Then one can feel like a failure for not reaching the stated goal. But maybe they did, just in their own way.

While it won't be easy, perhaps just by doing one's best one will slip into a sort of cure and not even know it. Then, in retrospect, it might even seem that it felt better than the narrowly defined cure was supposed to be like.

   

[SueP]

Thrive. I like that word from woodsgnome's post. I think that is what we need to strive for.  In my opinion, our experiences have most likely changed us from who we would have been without them but we can't go back and change the experiences. So the word "cure" is misleading. We will always be survivors and we can all be thrivers. I have found that gratitude is extremely helpful. Focusing on what is good in my world as opposed to what is not can really change your outlook. Try listing 5 things that you are thankful for each night before falling asleep. When I first started this, it was extremely difficult to come up with 5 things. I would think, I'm thankful that person smiled at me." Or " I'm thankful that I had enough money to buy toilet paper." Whatever little specific thing I could possibly come up with. Someone had challenged me to try this and I did experience massive change in my life. I now challenge you to give it a try. The key is to be thankful for specific, not general, things. Keep it up for a few months. It can't hurt so why not?, !
That being said, I do still have difficulty but the gratitude, and meds, keep it in check. So while a so called "cure" might not be feasible, I think we can focus on who we are right now and who we want to be.

[Faith2014]

I joined specifically to reply to this post.  I strongly second the suggestion for The Body Keeps Score.  I actually took notes during my read of it, and I have a lot.

I'll echo that we need to heal the brain, to get better.  In fact, I "journalled" (much more impressive sounding than reality) to myself this morning that I need to focus on marginal improvement, not a whole revamp of 'Me', as my primary goal. 

So cure?  Perhaps 'remission' is a better goal!

Here's another book that I read just before 'Body Keeps Score' that is very good, a little less scientific/academic than Body:  Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal Nakazawa, Donna Jackson.

These books have helped me see that I can change my brain for the better.

[Faith2014]

Try listing 5 things that you are thankful for each night before falling asleep. ..SNIP...   I now challenge you to give it a try. The key is to be thankful for specific, not general, things. Keep it up for a few months. It can't hurt so why not?, !

I've started a gratitude journal - alas not every day, but with your very specific goal, I'm going to try for 5 a day!

[Candid]

But what exactly is "myself" if I had gotten CPTSD in through my childhood, through things that happenned ibn my formative years? My personality is a huge scar. There is no happy and healthy "myself" to get back to, because it never had a chance to develop.

I have the same feelings of hopelessness on a bad day, Sara.

I don't think there's an actual cure, and it wouldn't be quantifiable if there was one. The goal is to get to a point where we're happier with ourselves and can function most of the time. So we take small steps in educating ourselves and others around us, take note of what feels good and what feels bad.

We're all aiming for better than now. The trick is to notice what works for you and what doesn't.

A lovely boyfriend and a generally peaceful life are good. And by the way, there's no point forgiving if people don't acknowledge what they've done, apologise, and demonstrate that they'll never do it again.

[clarity]

Hi Sara - your symptoms are your mind/body trying to resolve the trauma... healing is a natural drive and instinct.. I believe our conscious part in the process is to provide ourselves with the best environment and input to encourage and advance the process that is already underway.  If it wasn't already underway, we would be feeling nothing. This helps me to accept my symptoms and not fight them, which slows it all down.
Too many ( so many!) therapists still see symptoms as a 'problem' rather than a part of the healing process and in their own paradoxical way, a good sign. Then they are dismissive and further wounding and missing the point altogether!! 

I have moved beyond behaviours/symptoms of chronic eating disorder for several decades, long term depression, and self hatred.
I have had just a few hours of therapy, done the rest myself.  Mostly by studying trauma and figuring stuff out, body work.
Most important ... the DESIRE to overcome.

Can be helpful to find your anger.... I use mine to motivate me in many ways. 

Just want to encourage you.... yes, yes..... things can become SO MUCH BETTER.

Patience and paying attention to the smallest improvements.... and being KIND to yourself.... be all of the things that they never were, for yourself....

[obscured]

Sara

The reality is exactly as you described it; what "myself" is there to get back to? My therapist told me straight up that I had no "myself" but rather as I recovered I would slowly discover who that self is.

Not all therapists are trained to treat CPTSD. I hear your pain around being invalidated by some you have seen. I can only encourage you to use google to track down relevant therapists close to you.

There is hope. My journey is one of recovery, slowly over several years after a lifetime of total chaos.

As others have said, be kind to yourself and be patient but also diligent in your efforts to recover.