Is there even a cure?

[RecoveredMe]

In my experience, it is possible to "recover", and  with recovery I mean being able to live an integrated life realizing my wildest dreams and contribute positively to my community. I still get triggered, and still process, but I am living the type of life I want to live. I am not sure "cure" is the best word for me personally in that I wonder sometimes if the depth of damage is so deep that some things may always exist. One learns to be creative and adjust and work with and around whatever challenges may exist in one's system. I think, for some, healing is a life work and one will be working at healing until they take their very last breath.

[Santiago]

But what exactly is "myself" if I had gotten CPTSD in through my childhood, through things that happenned ibn my formative years? My personality is a huge scar. There is no happy and healthy "myself" to get back to, because it never had a chance to develop.

I've been through a lot of therapy and sometimes it helped for a while, sometimes it made me worse (dismissive therapists).

If my life is going to be this continuous struggle that eventually spirals back to pain every time, what kind of quality life is it? Is it even worth it?
[/quote]

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I also, like another reply I read (sory I cannot quote your name, don't know how) registered because your question sounded so familiar with my thoughts and history (therapy). My writing now and here is on the most becasue somehow I have to thank you, I do not have answers, I keep looking for them although I a am more close to just accept that "something was broken within" and won't be fixable cause there is no registry, I have none.

My story is long and probably very boring and I didn't reply to tell mine, I did to thank as I said before because, sometimes if not all of the times, not having a language for some thoughts is very despearing and painfull.

Also, the book "the mind keeps the score" I found it very informative and helpfull, hope you can get to it.

Sory for my lack of grammar or vocabullary, english is not my first language.

Wish you all a not so suffered, overwhelmed day to day

[Three Roses]

Santiago 

[Candid]

I do not have answers, I keep looking for them although I a am more close to just accept that "something was broken within" and won't be fixable cause there is no registry, I have none.

Hello  and welcome to our forum, Santiago.

Even though it all happened before we got our eyes open, we never lose the power to connect to our True Selves.  We get to create our own answers, listening to others who have walked a similar path, taking what feels right for us, finding more information ourselves, trying things out and so on.

Your True Self (or spirit) runs best on feelings.  This feels good, that feels bad.  Many of us were trained to choose this feels bad, must be what I deserve.   We got accustomed to feeling bad in childhood.  That means this feels good means we can expect to be punished in some way.  Without reflection, we may decide it isn't worth it.

For me, this feels good means walk this way.  It's a very recent development and I like it.  In this way we can find out Who We Are and what we enjoy.  Instead of punishment I get reinforcement: Yes, this is good. This is Who I Am.

I'm still working on my response to this feels bad.  Why am I uncomfortable?  What's the right action to take, and does that feel good?  Is it the right action for me, or is it the right action for someone else and I have to go along with it or I'll feel guilty and no one will love me?  Will it hurt me in any way to do what this person wants?  How will I feel about that?  So that's a slower process but I believe I'll get better at it.

My story is long and probably very boring and I didn't reply to tell mine,

You can tell yours, in bits if you like, whenever you're ready.  I'm sure the main turning points are far from boring! 

[Santiago]

Santiago 

Thanks a lot, it reached me. I realise I need very much one of those.
I send another to you!

[Santiago]

I do not have answers, I keep looking for them although I a am more close to just accept that "something was broken within" and won't be fixable cause there is no registry, I have none.

Hello  and welcome to our forum, Santiago.

Even though it all happened before we got our eyes open, we never lose the power to connect to our True Selves.  We get to create our own answers, listening to others who have walked a similar path, taking what feels right for us, finding more information ourselves, trying things out and so on.

Your True Self (or spirit) runs best on feelings.  This feels good, that feels bad.  Many of us were trained to choose this feels bad, must be what I deserve.   We got accustomed to feeling bad in childhood.  That means this feels good means we can expect to be punished in some way.  Without reflection, we may decide it isn't worth it.

For me, this feels good means walk this way.  It's a very recent development and I like it.  In this way we can find out Who We Are and what we enjoy.  Instead of punishment I get reinforcement: Yes, this is good. This is Who I Am.

I'm still working on my response to this feels bad.  Why am I uncomfortable?  What's the right action to take, and does that feel good?  Is it the right action for me, or is it the right action for someone else and I have to go along with it or I'll feel guilty and no one will love me?  Will it hurt me in any way to do what this person wants?  How will I feel about that?  So that's a slower process but I believe I'll get better at it.

My story is long and probably very boring and I didn't reply to tell mine,

You can tell yours, in bits if you like, whenever you're ready.  I'm sure the main turning points are far from boring! 

Hi, thank you for the welcome and for sharing your thoughts, I read them carefully.

And also thanks for inviting me to tell my story, when I am not mixed up like this days I'll try.

Hug for you!

[ah]

This makes a lot of sense to me. I was traumatized in the womb even, before I was born. So there's no "me" that's trauma free. No good memories to go back to, no "me" that could have grown up to be a different, trauma free person. 

I believe c-ptsd can be greatly improved if conditions are right: being safe in the present, having support, 'etc... and even then it's hard work. I think of myself as a tortured person.

Also not forgiving makes sense to me too. I don't hate, I don't hold grudges or seek revenge but I don't forgive certain things that I feel are unforgivable. Extreme cruelty is unforgivable. Forgiving it would minimize and normalize what I have to endure and I won't do that. I'll have compassion but I won't forgive.

[Lingurine]

For me, the cure lies in standing up for myself. Believe my own feelings and validate them. Be my own best friend and don’t bother to much what other people think of me.

Just to trust myself with me.

Lingurine

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, EMDR plus psychotherapy has been my biggest help but god is it exhausting and hard work but I do believe I'll get there now. Have you looked into EMDR?

[M.R.]

 I struggle with the question almost daily. (I even tried to get a degree in philosophy so I could find out 'why'. Haha.. ) I still have no answer. I think each person's 'better's is different. If someone were to ask me if I am better now after 9 years in therapy, I would have to say better in some ways and worse in others. But I would also tell them that I am more knowledgeable and I understand a heck of a lot more. So, for me, I have to count that as a win. So, I think it personally just depends on how you think about it.

Melodie

[Sceal]

I've come to slowly accept that the "myself" that I was, is not someone I want to go back to. That person (and still is I suppose) is vulnerable to being re-traumatized and abused because my boundaries are barely even there. So, instead of looking back to who I was, I want to create a Me that I believe in, and that I can trust. I've no idea what that looks like, but hopefully I'll find out.

As far as healing, I have heard of people healing from CPTSD. But I think, like with most injuries and chronic illnesses, that means re-adjustment. You have to find a new path to grow, a new path to live. A way to live with some of the symptoms.

[BlancaLap]

Yes, it is possible to be "cured". But it's not going to be easy. First, you need to gain "security" in your environment. You need to be sure it's not possible to be retraumatized. I know it sound almost impossible, but maybe you can gain that sense of security without isolating yourself. Then, the dissociation will disappear. When that happens, you will be floaded with tons of hurted feelings and pain. You need to pass through that: you need to grieve! Finally, you have to confront the person or persons responsible for you C-PTSD. In my case, it will be my past classmates (and maybe also my parents), because: a) you need to give to your brain a sign that you're safe now by talking to them, but only when you feel you are prepared, and b) you need to know WHY that happened and make sure that WHY doesn't exist anymore. At least that's how I see it. Hope it helps!

[I like vanilla]

I think there is a cure. I do not yet know what it is, but I know that I am significantly better now than I was when I first started seeing my new-ish T. And, I know that I am going to keep trying. I think too, that CPTSD is a relatively 'new' thing in the mental health world. PTSD only became a diagnosis in ~the 80s and CPTSD does not yet officially exist in the DSM as a diagnosis, so the ability for anyone to do research on treatments is severely limited (largely because there is a lack of funds to research CPTSD due to CPTSD not actually officially existing). The Spartan Life Coach once said something to the effect of 'there is a cure, even if I have to keep going until I am in my 80s, I will keep trying and will keep working with you (the viewers) to get there.' I am with him. Even if I am in my 80s, and have not yet gotten there, I will keep trying.

After that, I have had the 'how can I get to my before when I was an infant when the abuse started' discussion with my therapist. We came to the same conclusion as Obscure and Obscure's therapist - with childhood-originated CPTSD it is not so much a matter of getting back to who you were before the bad thing happened, because that is just not an option for us. Instead, it is a matter of figuring out who you are now. I am also working who I want to be and trying to move in that direction.

I think that this concern is yet another reason that we, as a community, need to have CPTSD recognized as a condition separate and distinct from PTSD. Hopefully, at some point, the decision makers will finally agree with us and with the experts, such as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, on this issue.

[Blueberry]

If someone were to ask me if I am better now after 9 years in therapy, I would have to say better in some ways and worse in others. But I would also tell them that I am more knowledgeable and I understand a heck of a lot more.

Sounds very familiar, especially the "better in some ways and worse in others". My T's prognosis was: "things will get easier but I'll always have some problems." He means more than the normal up and down problems of life that non CPTSD people have. I'm nearly at the end of my 3 years of trauma therapy and I agree with his prognosis. I won't be finished processing when my therapy ends. But I will be better able to do it on my own.

[Blueberry]

Finally, you have to confront the person or persons responsible for you C-PTSD. In my case, it will be my past classmates (and maybe also my parents), because: a) you need to give to your brain a sign that you're safe now by talking to them, but only when you feel you are prepared, and b) you need to know WHY that happened and make sure that WHY doesn't exist anymore.

BlancaLap, I don't agree that you have to or that you even should confront the person(s) responsible for your C-PTSD. It may be beneficial in some cases, maybe in your case, but not as a blanket rule, no. I've confronted before and the results were disastrous! I keep wanting to confront again but also have to keep reminding myself that that is part of me that wants so badly to be understood by my parents. And this part will get hurt again if I go and confront. Because it's me alone against 5 other adults, some abusers, some enablers.

You can give your brain a sign in other ways e.g. by relaying the "I am safe" message to however many younger yous, e.g. by making sure you really are safe e.g. by going  VLC to NC with FOO and extended FOO members who hurt you so badly before.