Struggling Relationship-- How do I encourage him to get the help he needs?

[coffeecat]

Hi there.
Thank you all so much for everything  you do to support each other on this forum. It is truly beautiful to see so many people focusing on self growth and creating an emotionally aware community together. I found out about C-PTSD less than a week ago, via an article a good friend posted about it. Reading that article was full of 'aha!' moments, as I realized how much the symptoms of C-PTSD influence my relationship. After the first article, I started reading more and looking up YouTube videos about it, trying to get as much information as I could. My looking into finding a therapist [for myself] that knows about C-PTSD is what led me here.

I will preface all this by saying that I try my best to be a good person, but am far from perfect. I deal with my own challenges of emotional disregulation when triggered (usually by family, but occasionally the highly stressful work situation, and now sometimes by arguments with my boyfriend), and actively try to work on them. However, I have been feeling some regression in this department as of late, as you will understand more as you read. Also, I absolutely adore my boyfriend and regularly put forth effort to do and say things that make him feel secure in our relationship and secure in his own being. He does the same for me, has influenced me to learn a lot about myself in the short 3 months we have been together, and has put a lot of effort towards self-growth in his life.

After I did a number of hours of research on C-PTSD, I told my boyfriend about it. It is quite possible that I experience some milder symptoms of C-PTSD from experiences in my childhood (which actually would explain the recurring nightmares of me trying to escape the house I grew up in), and the way I told him about it was in view of this. Basically, I said that I think we both experience some of these symptoms, and we watched a researched-based YouTube video about it together. He seemed to resonate with the material and was apparently very open to the idea of learning more about it and finding a therapist, but I haven't seen or heard of any efforts being taken to look more into it since.

I know it has only been a week, but there have been a couple of intense arguments since, one of which resulted in him self-harming (despite past conversations where I have asked him not to do so), and another of which resulted in him throwing his only pair of glasses against the wall and breaking them. The only recognition by him of how unacceptable these behaviors are has been a result of my calling it to his attention (other than that, he has done nothing but talk nonchalantly and joke about not being able to see stuff). I have been feeling like we are just falling into bad emotional habits together, and am concerned at how much we are triggering each other. Sometimes struggle with resentment towards some of the behaviors directed at me which are fueled by what I believe are 'emotional flashbacks' (things like nitpicking, victim-playing, mistrust)-- then, I find myself feeling guilty because this must mean that I don't accept him for all of his being, and that isn't at all fair to him. Am I doing him a disservice by continuing to be with him? Or should I find a way to encourage him further to seek professional help and just try harder not to let stuff get to me? I want to be a supportive partner as he grows, and I grow with him, but I don't know if we are hurting or helping each other, overall, in the end. I know you don't have all the answers, but I figured it was worth a shot to ask advice.

Thank you so much for reading this.
Much love.

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More background info: He has a more anxious-preoccupied attachment style, and I have a more dismissive-avoidant one (maybe my own manifestation of C-PTSD symptoms?), which we realized earlier on in our relationship and have been working on. Not sure how relevant that is, but it seemed worth mentioning.

[Rainagain]

Hi coffeecat

Like you I'm new to the idea that I have cptsd and also new to this forum, I would like to try to help but take my advice with a healthy amount of scepticism, I am far from an expert.

I think recovery is a personal journey, my advice is to focus on yourself and share your progress with your partner in order to give him the opportunity to travel his own journey.
I have been in trouble emotionally since 1994, I am 54 now and still struggling, things take time sometimes!
You and your partner will progress at different rates, best to try to support one another as you can't 'fix' one another, its an individual thing.
You can travel alongside him and help but you are on two different personal journeys.

I wish you both well, I only posted as the people who know more haven't read your post yet.

[Three Roses]

 

I 100% agree!

[coffeecat]

Thank you for your response, and I completely agree-- I am not trying to 'fix' him, and am focusing on my own path, which is probably enough to encourage him to find his own. I guess a better way to position my concerns is that I am worried about the time between now and the time when we *do* have the tools to deal, in a healthy way, with these scenarios we find ourselves in. Will we end up doing more harm to each other than good, compounding each others' trauma? We are triggering each other a lot lately, and it sometimes takes a while to find a therapist... Concerned for him, as well as myself (I experienced trauma dating someone with BPD a few years ago, to add to the layers here)

P.S.
I really struggled with the title for this post, and it isn't the most accurate for the content, I suppose.

[Kat]

First of all, welcome!  It's good that you are so intent on getting help and that you want the same for your boyfriend. 

I've been in therapy for over a decade dealing with the symptoms of C-PTSD.  There is a lot of learning and unlearning involved in the process.  It is a long process, and not a linear one.  By that I mean that you don't just keep moving forward feeling healthier and healthier.  There's a lot of one step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, one step back...oops...fall flat on your face...back up...

I bring this up because "the time when [you] do have the tools to deal, in a healthy way" can be a long time in coming.  That said, I don't know you or how you will take to therapy, etc.  You seem quite motivated, but that isn't all that's required for this journey.

Maybe you could go forward under the assumption that your boyfriend will never choose to heal, and that even your example doesn't lead him in that direction.  Think about your relationship from that viewpoint and decide what you think is best for you.

My husband's childhood was quite traumatic.  (Those of us who've experienced trauma tend to stick to what we know and are used to and find others who are just as broken.)  He does not recognize how his childhood has affected him and he's quite content to stay the way he has always been.  We've grown very far apart...though I feel like he can't see that.  Some of the ways that he's treated me were extremely harmful, but he can't or won't see it.  I don't intend to stay with him.

That is my story.  I don't know what  yours might look like.  I only offer up my story as one person's experience with this type of thing.  You can take it for what it's worth.