asyouwish's Recovery Journal **TW**

[asyouwish]

So, I'm starting a Recovery Journal. I've gotten some out of reading others, though I haven't replied. This comes with the warning that these could (will?) get long. Brevity was never my strong suit. Also, I'm putting a trigger warning on the Journal because I don't want to censor myself, but also don't want to cause anyone harm. Within the posts, I'll put trigger warnings as well, if it's necessary. (With the caveat that I don't know what's triggering to everyone, but I'll do my best.)

This weekend, I discovered this forum after watching a really good YouTube video on C-PTSD. (I'll post the link when I'm home.) I only stumbled across it, just happened to be in my subscriptions list from another channel I sometimes watch. If you've read my intro post, you'll know "PTSD" has been brought up several times in relation to me, but I didn't feel like I fit the symptoms. Then, I watched that video, then another on Emotional Abuse and I was down the rabbit hole.

My therapist is very careful with labels. I'm not a fan of therapy. I know it's important, and I know I need it, but I hate the hippy-dippy aspects of it. I like things that are definable and in their boxes. I did really well the CBT because there are rules and guidelines and worksheets. I can do that kind of stuff. But with what my therapist and I are doing now, I've been very resistant. I've had a hard time using the word "abuse" when talking about my childhood. My therapist has at least got me calling it "dysfunctional" 'cause that sounds safer. But, intellectually, I know it was abuse. Intellectually, I know a lot of things. If this was all up to my intellect, I'd be done by now. I don't feel it. (I don't feel much of anything, but I think that's a topic for another post.)

So, my therapist has danced around the "complex trauma" label for a while, but I think I finally get it. She wanted me to find a support group and I see myself in so many of your stories. I hope this place can help.

All this to say, my therapist and I have been doing schema therapy. I haven't seen it mentioned here. It's a very interesting concept. Schemas, or lifetraps, are deeply held beliefs (usually unhealthy) enforced upon you in childhood. I have about a zillion of them, like Abandonment and Emotional Inhibition. A big part of this therapy is imagery exercises. Reliving your memories, but changing them into a way that is positive. Talking to your inner child the way she deserved to be talked to and treated. (It's very hippy-dippy, so you see my problem.) I've done one session of imagery, and it was too much. I nosedived for three weeks. So, while I'm not ready for it yet, I'm hoping I will be soon. (There's so much I'm not ready for -- There's another post!)

I'm going to post another one right after this, because this post is already too long. It's on another topic and what I want to say needs a trigger warning for body image. Feel free to skip it, if you need to.

Thanks for listening. 

[asyouwish]

The thing that caught me most this weekend was the concept of Emotional Flashbacks. That was the biggest thing I didn't fit with under PTSD. Flashbacks. I don't remember events well, specifics escape me. But how it felt? That's right there. So, the fact someone can have EFs just blew my mind. This has been what's happening to me! It's a thing! It has a name! It's definable!

Last Thursday and Friday were EF days. Especially Thursday, when I got home from work, I sat in my chair and stared at the wall for five hours. I was just gone, everything washing over me. Friday the same, but to a lesser extent. I could not break out of it, not for anything.

I have bipolar disorder, and my psychiatrist and I have been playing with my doses for a while because I haven't been stable. My moods have been everywhere, everything's been a trigger. The last few months I saw him, I said, "Let's not change anything. I think I'm depressed because of FOO stuff, not bipolar stuff." So, I've been on the same meds for a while. I think I've actually been stable for quite a while and these "mood swings" have been EFs. It makes so much sense now!

I was motivated to write a post now because I think I just had my first identified EF.

**maybe trigger warning for body issue stuff**

I had to call my doctor to get something checked out. I'm having some skin issues. (Let's leave it at that.) So, I called, booked an appointment for later this week, but figured I'd better take a picture in case it gets better by then. So, I take the picture, then text my friend that I booked an appointment, 'cause she knows this has been an issue. (I didn't text her the picture!) Then, I realize, "Oh. It's actually really gross. I'm going to have to show someone this. I'm going to have to show someone my horrible, disgusting body, and they might have to touch my horrible, disgusting body, and and and..." SPIRAL.

I have really terrible body image issues. I'm a big person. I'm over six feet tall, and, while I only started gaining weight in my early 20's, I got really, really big. (Thanks bipolar meds!) I've lost a lot of weight since then, a little under a hundred pounds, but I still have at least sixty to go. But my body shows it. I have **gross, sorry** loose skin all over my arms and stomach **end** and it's really embarrassing. I feel disgusting and the idea of showing anyone, even a doctor I have a good relationship with, made me tear up at my desk.

All the name-calling and food-controlling/monitoring and lectures on "no one's going to love you when you're fat" (WHEN I WASN'T EVEN FAT!) comes rushing back. I almost feel it like a wave rush over my shoulders. And now, all those feelings of feeling worthless and unlovable and disgusting are all sitting on my shoulders. I almost cancelled the appointment, but my friend told me not to, that I need it checked out. I need it documented if I ever finish losing the weight and want to get that surgery to get rid of all the loose skin. So, I gotta go, but I'm sick about it.

**end of trigger warning**

Thanks for listening. 

[sanmagic7]

o, asyouwish, i really feel for you.  society is so judgmental and unforgiving about body image and looking 'perfect' (whatever perfect means at the time.  right now it seems to be about extremely big butts, which i've never had when i was thin.  my butt basically disappeared.  now that i'm overweight, i've got one, but it's just part of the overall package.) 

anyway, i'm glad you're going to keep your appt.  if our goal is healing (which mine is), i think that includes all of who we are - mind, body, and spirit.   it's important to take care of our bodies, no matter what shape they're in, to the best of our ability.  some days will be easier than others, that's for sure.  but, we start again the next day.

as far as your therapy goes, i have heard of schema therapy, and it can be quite powerful.  i've also learned that c-ptsd responds best to various types of therapy - some of them more concrete (such as cbt) for certain aspects, some of them a bit more ethereal (or hippy dippy, if you will) and having to do with the mind and memories, the child inside, or even rebuilding neural pathways through positive self-talk, environments, people, and the like.

if it helps you move toward your goal, i think it's valuable and valid.  our minds are so complex, and what one person may respond to can be quite different than the next.  still, differing ways to go after this beast are like, to me, adding different spices to our foods.  one spice brings a certain flavor out, while another spice might bring out something entirely different.  we don't know till we try. 

i hope you are able to keep an open mind, at the very least.  your t sounds very respectful of where you're at and what you're ready to look at.  i think that's a good sign.  best to you.  big hug.

[asyouwish]

Thanks, sanmagic7.

My body image issues are right up there with everything else that is so damaged. Society does not help. In fact, makes it so much worse. I'm constantly comparing myself to other women, my inner critic/mother's voice. A distinct memory I have is being at the mall with Mom and a really tall woman walked by, about as tall as me but model-thin, and Mom looked over at me and said, "Why wouldn't you want to look like that? You need to try harder." Ugh. Mom was definitely an Outer Critic. And her voice is deep in my head. 

I've been really sick lately with headaches and nausea and such extreme fatigue. I think it's psychosomatic, though. My anxiety has been on 11 for months now, after going NC with the FOO, and it was bound to catch up with me. I see my psychiatrist tonight and will get his opinion. I read someone say on here they never know when to go to the doctor about physical stuff and I'm the same. I always wait too long. (Like when the pneumonia has spread to both lungs!)

But seeing the doctor about the skin stuff is the first step for sure. I'm just so worried he'll say it's because I'm overweight, or I don't keep myself clean enough, or I'm just gross. Aaaaaall schema/C-PTSD thoughts. It's absurd.

My therapist is amazing. Eternally patient with me, even when I get angry with her. She knows when to hold back, and when I just need a kick in the butt. We've worked together on my insomnia and social anxiety to really positive results. But it's taken me years to get to the point where I'm even a little ready to address all this. Like I said, eternally patient. She never makes me do things I'm not ready for, but she'll push me if she thinks I'm ready and just scared. I like that about her. I need that.

Still not thrilled about the hippy-dippy stuff, but I'm willing to try it. I'm going to be working with her a lot on this "compassion for your inner child" stuff that just makes me cringe, but I do think will help. She's talked a lot about what you called "ethereal" types of therapy and I'm willing to try. I'm a practicalist, but if it works, it works. I trust her. We've had such success with my social anxiety -- it's almost non-existent now! -- I trust she can guide me through this, too. But I know it's a long process -- years, not months -- so I'm buckling in for the long haul.

Thanks for listening. 

[sanmagic7]

kudos to you for being willing and open-minded about different modes of going after this stuff.  i do hope you have success and wonderful relief.  it sounds like your t is a beautiful fit for you - glad you're going to continue trusting her.

and, forward!  big hug!

[asyouwish]

I'm not going to write in here everyday, or at least I'm going to try not to. I want to keep this for "revelations" or steps forward (or back, I guess) in progress. Not for just meanderings of the mind. However C-PTSD has been on my mind a lot lately. (I kind of prefer "complex trauma," so I may use that.) It's really been taking up a big chunk of my headspace and I'm sure this has bummed out my friends. I'd rather dump here. So, forgive me.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he agrees the physical ailments I've been complaining of are probably anxiety-related. He encouraged me to get checked out with my family doctor if it goes on too long or gets much worse, but, really, there's nothing to do. He increased my daily allotment of anxiety medication to allow me to consistently take two pills before bed, which helps me sleep, and one during the day, if needed, to take the edge off. This is good, but I always worry about taking too many. So, I'm going to be cautious.

What is interesting, however, is he has prescribed me a medication that has been used pretty successfully in people with PTSD, specifically combat vets, in decreasing nightmares or day-time flashbacks. My nightmares have been really, really terrible. I get woken up by one 2-3 nights a week. (No wonder I'm so exhausted and anxious!) I don't really get flashbacks in the PTSD sense, but hopefully it will reduce the nightmares. He says they can never be 100% gone, but I'll take any reduction! I start titrating up on the medication this week, hopefully at a good dose before two weeks.

I'm getting quite "triggered" by my physical health lately. My psychiatrist suggests that since this is how I felt as a child, going to the doctor a lot for "stomach aches", and the issues with my FOO not leaving me alone, it might all be interconnected. UGH! The brain is so complicated. There's SO much FOO stuff caught up in my body image issues. And now, with my family doctor appointment coming up tomorrow to talk about my skin conditions, my skin is just crawling, anxiety at 11. I don't want to show him my stomach and loose skin and everything that makes me feel so disgusting. But, I know he'll help. He's been nothing but very kind (if sometimes a little too rushed) so I shouldn't be nervous. I'm his first appointment of the day, so I hope he can take his time.

But all the thoughts about him seeing me even semi-naked, or about him having to examine me is really, really triggering. Then, I spiral into thinking about how I'll never be able to have a romantic relationship. Or thinking about how I should be losing weight so much faster than I am, that I should be working so much harder at it. Too much junk, not enough exercise. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I've maintained my weight loss, though. That's as important as anything. I just can't see anyone loving me when I look like this. I already have my height against me.

Anyway, I'm not going to rant about it. That wasn't the point of this post. Mostly, I'm just triggered and anxious and I'd like the nausea to go away so I can eat a decent amount of decent food. Tomorrow cannot be over fast enough. I just picture myself sobbing in the exam room and I just want to cancel. But I can't. I need to power through.

Thanks for listening

[sanmagic7]

good luck with the doc tomorrow - i sincerely hope it is a gentle, caring experience for you.  fingers crossed and prayers flying, asyouwish.  by the by, it's your journal, you can write whatever is important to you for your recovery and healing.    no judgments here.   big hug.

[asyouwish]

So, lots of stuff. I've had three doctor's appointments in the last two days.

Yesterday, I went to my family doctor about my skin problems. I had to hold back crying in the waiting room, I was so upset. (I'm not actually allowed to use the word upset -- it's not specific enough -- but this is my journal!) Then, when I finally saw the doctor, he was so rushed, we barely talked. I showed him, he gave me some antibiotics for this time, a cream for next time, and just told me to keep the area as dry as I can. (So, summer is going to be fun.) Part of me was glad 'cause no body shaming, but the bigger part of me was disappointed, and felt really dismissed. I wanted to talk about how I can prevent it (besides baby powder) or if surgery is/will be an option, because it is due to the loose skin. But he rushed me out of the room, and I left the clinic near tears again.

Then, this afternoon was my therapy appointment. I talked about my revelations in this whole "complex trauma" thing, and how I was feeling really overwhelmed with the whole thing, and like it was taking over my life. (I had coffee with a friend, who's awesome but not like, one of my best friends, and I went into this whole complex trauma thing. She was great about it, but I definitely didn't want to bring it up. Oops.) She said I have to make sure I keep one foot firmly grounded in the present. It's too easy to get overwhelmed and enveloped by all this childhood work, and it's like you can regress to that kid. (Oh no!) So, she wants me to do grounding things, things that connect me to my body in the present. Mostly this is exercise-type stuff, but also mindfulness and that kind of thing. All about self-care. It's becoming her favourite phrase. And also not allow myself to drown in this stuff, which I will really easily. Like, last weekend, I spent the entire time online on this site and others learning and relating to this whole complex trauma thing. I'm not allowed to do that anymore. So, I have to figure out small doses. She thinks a place like this will be helpful, I just can't get obsessed with it. (I tend to get obsessed with things.) Anyway, we talked about a lot of things. My anxiety is a little better, but she thinks my body is telling me to slow down and take better care of it. So, I have to do that.

Then, I just had my eye exam. Pretty innocuous. I have a new crush on my eye doctor (haha) but it went fine. Then, I went to go look for new frames and just eff everything. I looked so bad in everything. Women's glasses are just too small for my face, except my current style I've worn for more than a decade. I want to change it up! So, my bestie is going to come with me as an objective opinion. I walked through the mall after that unsuccess and wandered into a store that just started carrying plus sizes. Everything is so pretty! And short! I'm 6'2". These tops are short for "normal" sized women. They're effing belly tops on me. Just another way I feel excluded from the world in general. Like I'm defective for not being able to fit into these narrow definitions of normal, and pretty, and wanted, and worthy.

So, yeah. That's how I felt today. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I hate myself pretty bad. I'm trying to use healthy coping mechanisms now (hot showers, writing) instead of what I used to do (cutting, burning) but it just comes back.

I have to go get my house in order. I have friends coming over tomorrow and I don't want them to think poorly of me. They never would, but schemas tells me they will, and schemas always win.

Thanks for listening. 

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

asyouwish, those nasty schemas won't always win.  the more you take care of yourself, do kind and loving things for yourself, the less room those 'i hate myself' schemas will have, and they'll eventually be pushed out.  it takes time and work, but it's do-able. 

i hope you have a good time with your friends.  they're your friends because they see the beautiful swan that you are inside (where it counts) where you often see only the ugly duckling you picture through the eyes of the blind of heart. 

[asyouwish]

Hey.

Thanks for your posts, guys. It's nice to know people are reading, even if it just to give hugs. (Hugs are great.)

I've been really busy this week. I'm away from home on a work trip. I started a new job last week and last minute they invited me along on a two-week activity. I'm only here the first week, going home today, but it's been a really good week. We're doing a lot of the things I want to do with the degree I'm going back to school for and I'm learning a lot. They've involved me in the process, instead of just making me watch, and it's just been great.

So this week has been a lot of self-care. They have a pool here, and I swam every day. They also have a spa, so I got a really nice massage yesterday. Tomorrow, I've set up a "spa afternoon" where I'm getting a facial and a mani/pedi. This is the most I've spoiled myself in years. I've also been really immersed in writing and reading in my free time. This whole week has just been self-care and I can feel the weight in my chest getting lighter.

I've been getting some mini-EFs in my writing. I'm writing a story about a teenager in an abusive household, so, as you can imagine, it swings between cathartic and triggering. But, overall, I think it's a good thing, so I power through or take a break as needed. I've been very tired lately, so I'm trying to go easy on myself and sleep more. I have an artificial deadline to get this done, so I've been pushing myself a little. Not too hard yet, but I do get hard on myself when I miss my daily goal.

I'm reading a book I saw mentioned on here but recommended by my therapist called The Body Keeps the Score and I'm highlighting it like crazy. It talks a lot in the beginning about veterans because that's how he got involved in the field, but now he's starting to get into more "general" trauma. I'm learning a lot, and it does make me feel better. I get angry at my therapist a lot because I'm not "normal" like everyone else. I scare too easily. I'm forgetful. I don't feel emotions the way I'm supposed to. I'm anxious all the time. I overreact. I get overwhelmed too easily. I'm too indecisive. I could go on and on, but I know you guys get it. This book goes into all the ways trauma has wired our brains to survive it, and why we are the way we are.

The massage was an interesting experience after reading how trauma survivors experience physical pain.

Mild Trigger Warning for Experiencing Physical Pain and Abuse

The massuse would ask me to tell her when it hurt and my mind was buzzing. How painful is painful enough? Am I just being a wuss, or is it actually painful? Then, she'd ask the level of pain 1-10. I freaked out in my head. Am I exaggerating? She was very kind, thank goodness. Then, she'd ask when the pain went away, and it was really hard to identify if there was no pain. SO WEIRD. But reading this book, and thinking back to my experiences, it all makes sense. Trauma survivors have a higher pain tolerance, especially when triggered by their trauma, which I was during the massage. Also, from my childhood, when my brother or father would hit/beat me, it was always, "He doesn't know his own strength", "You're just being sensitive", "You're overreacting", "You're exaggerating for attention/to get him in trouble", etc. 

End of Trigger Warning

It's all coming together, and the understanding of it, the having a name for it, is making this a lot easier. Well, maybe not easier, but it's definitely making me feel better.

Also, I'm coming up to the 100 days. My therapist says, when grieving, there tends to be this threshold when people feel better about it. Not getting over it, but the heavy grief they're carrying around eases. That threshold is a hundred days. That threshold day is July 13, 2017. So, I'm almost there and I think I'm finally feeling it. My therapist says grief dulls everything, and I believe it. So many new, good things have been coming into my life lately. A new job, getting accepted into my degree program, getting all these opportunities to learn and grow. I have amazing friends and a nice place to live, enough money to keep me comfortable. I have every reason to be happy, but there had been a grey-ness to my world that I think is finally starting to lift. Am I actually becoming happy? Really? I'm just waiting for that terrible thing to happen to take everything away. I know it's going to happen, or, rather, my schemas tell me it's going to happen. I can't have anything good. I don't deserve it. I'm just not good enough.

Ugh. This is why I can't have nice things.

But, things are looking up, anyway. ( ) Still so much work to do. I see my therapist next Friday and we'll have lots to talk about. Did I mention I signed up for speed dating? I did! Whether I go remains to be seen, but I think I need to try. I'm so lonely and no one is going to just fall into my lap. Maybe after these hundred days are over, I'll be in a place where I can date. Maybe I won't. But I don't know until I try.

Thanks for listening 

[Elphanigh]

It was so great to see such a positive post! I am so glad that you are making these steps  Dealing with grief is not easy, and you seem to be doing it with such power and commitment. That takes guts, and is amazing.

I have loved reading your journal (even if I don't always respond). I hope things keep begining to look up for you and that July 13th comes quickly for you. I had never heard of the 100 day concept so I am curious about it. Am going to go read on it a bit.

All the hugs and encouragement to you 

[sanmagic7]

i love that you're thinking of doing that speed dating thing.  i've seen the concept on tv, and it always looked interesting to me.  if you do it, i hope you let us know how it went.

big yay! for you for all that self-care and just enjoying being taken care of by others.  i never had a masseuse do that about the pain - i think i'd like that. 

keep going - i think you're doing swell.  big hug!

[asyouwish]

So, I haven't been around in a while. Trying to figure out this balance thing and finding the place this C-PTSD revelation has in my life. My therapist says it should be a small, but important part, of my present life. So, I'm working on that. I'm definitely going to keep writing here, my therapist thinks that will be helpful, and surf the boards a little, but I hope I don't make anyone feel bad if I don't respond right away. I think you guys are great, and I've already felt really welcomed and heard by you. I hope to do the same.

I finally finished reading The Body Keeps the Score and I'm changed. (haha) It was just so interesting. I talked a little about it last time, but all these scientific studies about the effect trauma -- especially childhood trauma -- has on a person? Amazing. It just explains so much to me. Why I am the way I am. Why I forget things, why I'm indecisive and jumpy and too easily overwhelmed. Why I freeze and can never think on the spot. (A huge "problem" for my boss and me that we've spent years trying to navigate.) It's just so validating to read this and know there's nothing wrong with me. I am not defective. I am not a terrible person. I am not the things people did to me. (Now to just believe that, instead of understanding it rationally.)

The big piece, too, is understanding what my therapist has been talking about with mindfulness and yoga and doing body things to help get over this trauma. I thought I was doing massages for self-care, but it's really because all the abuse lives in my body. I am so tense. I always have been, and it's always been a problem. My joints ache from the constant pull of my tight muscles. I've been to physiotherapists and joint doctors and everything, but it's the trauma. (Wow.)

So, now, my next step is looking for some RMTs here that specialize in trauma. I've found a yoga place that seems to be really trauma-positive. (Would that be the term?) But I'm going to try some yoga at home first. I'm anxious I'll make a fool of myself in front of everyone. (UGH.) So, I'm going to go slow there. But I'm interested in some of these non-psychotherapy techniques. I would have backed away slowly a few months ago, but the book and researching C-PTSD has really changed my view.

My nightmares have gotten better. My psychiatrist put me on a medication that's supposed to help, and it seems to have helped. I suspect placebo effect, but I'll take what I can get. So, I'm sleeping a little better. I'm still having FOO dreams, though.

**trigger warning for talking about childhood sexual abuse -- no graphic details**

The other night, I had a dream where my mom found out about my molestation and just said, "Well, you were old enough to know the difference." (I was 12.) I don't know that'd be her actual reaction, but it wouldn't surprise me. The man who did it, my neighbour, was beloved in the neighbourhood. My mom used to make meals for him as he was a poor, lonely old man, and would send me over to deliver them. Even after I asked not to, I had to. How could I be so cruel to poor old [person]?

Anyway, It happened over the course of a summer (I think) and finally, I started refusing to go over to his house and being alone with him, and started calling him a pervert. You'd think this would've been a sign that something was going on, right? Well, Mom started calling me a prude. She thought I called him a pervert because he always made really sexual jokes. To a 12-year-old. You see, it was ME who was the problem. It was me, a "prudish" 12-year-old, who couldn't take a joke. Like, what?

It still makes me so angry. She literally sent me to him, a couple of times a week, for a summer. She never listened, never saw the signs (or, rather, ignored the signs), and failed completely to protect me. My only saving grace is I don't remember it much. I remember the first time, then that summer kind of goes blank. God knows what he actually did to me. The first story I got published was a story about an abused girl killing her abuser -- about me finally killing him. He died in agony, actually. So, there's that. I refused to visit him in the hospital. Mom held his memorial service at our house, and asked me to be out of the house during it.

**end trigger warning**

Wowwwww. That turned long. Sorry. Seems I needed to get that story out. But anyway, less waking up in a cold sweat, but still unpleasantness sometimes.

I'm gonna go now, but if you read this far, thanks. I'm doing well. I'm smiling again. I find myself laughing out loud to memes on the internet. My friend tells me that my smile finally reaches my eyes. So, yeah. That's great. It's Day 96. My chest feels lighter, like there's only a few stones left instead of a huge boulder. I'm looking forward to doing some of the body work, and getting places in therapy. It's the first time in a while that I feel like maybe things are going to turn out okay.

P.S. Chickened out on the speed dating. My therapist gave me permission. It's way too high pressure and I hated it the last time I did it. But, I'm going to try some of the low pressure singles nights, like pool or bowling. I'm trying to get back on my weight loss journey, too, so that'll help. Hopefully I can stop hating my body so much.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you were able to get that out.  and that story you wrote - so significant.  well done.

i've got that book as well, and it helps me to know the same as you.  now, to convince my doc about it.  i'll write more in my journal about that.  but, i'm with you on this, asyouwish.  that kind of knowledge has helped me from losing my sanity.

keep going.  you're doing so well with everything.  you can feel good about yourself, and bring that good stuff in.  big hug.