Being vulnerable

[Elphanigh]

I hadn't found a thread on this, although I am sure one probably has existed. I have had the chance to think a lot since I saw my T two weeks ago, and have realized some things. The biggest one being that I have not been truly vulnerable with her yet. I have been open but not as much as I think I need to be. I want to let her in more, but am not really sure how to best go about that, or if I am even capable.

I really like my current T and have had a better experience with her, but some past distrust is getting in the way. Some fear of people always leaving me, or not ever fully believing what I tell them has gotten in the way here. I want to admit this fear and admit that I am afraid of this process. To be vulnerable about all the pain it has caused me... I am struggling to let that happen. Still finding myself putting myself together for her so as not to show the worst of it. Find myself not wanting to fail her, or disappoint her... old habits.. I need to be vulnerable with her.. I just don't know how

Anyone have experience with this struggle? Anyways to work past it?

[Three Roses]

Similar issues here

In the first few introductory sessions, I told my T that I'd never been fully honest with anyone (including myself) about all my past experiences; hadn't lied really, except by omission. Told him I wanted to change that about myself, that if I wanted to get better I needed to. He agreed. So I guess you could say I kind of put myself "on notice" - it had been verbalized, so it makes it more real. If it's just in my head it goes more like this: "Should I be honest about this? Naahh!"

Another thing I thought of doing was speaking in the third person ("I have a friend....") but making it known that it's me I'm really talking about.

I've also heard a few people here talking about writing - either typing something to read aloud or have them read, or handwriting it which uses a different part of your brain.

I don't like the idea of email. There's too many variables there for my liking. What if they never get it? What if they don't respond? I also don't like the idea of taking up their time outside of my visits.

Hope that helps. I'm sure others will have more great ideas!

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Three Roses, that does help. It nothing else it helps to know I am not the only one. I am going to try to voice that today, and do like you did. I had been kind of thinking about it but hearing it from someone else helps a great deal. I am hoping it helps me.

I don't like to take her time out of session either. Although I know she would take the time for me, and I don't like to ask that of her

Thank you again

[sanmagic7]

i also think, as 3roses said, that telling your t about your fears of being vulnerable might be a good starting point.  that way, the concept is on the table to explore without actual details of what a vulnerable topic might be for you.

just fyi, you, as a client, cannot fail or disappoint your therapist.   any t who may have given you that idea was wrong.  it is the therapist's job and responsibility to take care of the client, always - never the other way around.  no matter how difficult the subject matter is that the client is dealing with, it is up to the therapist to find the way to put the client at ease, to comfort, and to let the client know in no uncertain terms that whatever is going on may just need more exploration from a different angle, or something along those lines.

as far as emails go, they are not a secure means of talking about issues.  same with cell phones or skype - any of that technological stuff.  i think there is only one means of communicating confidential information, but i can't think of the name right now.  it wasn't something that is a popular brand, tho.

as far as taking up a therapist's time outside the office, it's up to the therapist to determine if s/he is willing to do that.  since there was no email when i was practicing, and i didn't give my phone # out, my clients weren't able to contact me personally between sessions.   this kind of thing is all new to me.  if you're not comfortable with it, nothing wrong with that. 

trust in a t is something that gets built with time.  how are you treated?  is your t consistent in what s/he does and says?  does your gut feel good about the experience?  are there good vibes both from the t and from the office space?   it's ok to question your t, say what you're uncomfortable with or about, and listen and feel how your t deals with these.  the better you feel, the more willing you will be to allow your vulnerability at deeper and deeper levels.

just my experience speaking from both a client's and therapist's perspective.  hope any of that is helpful.  big hug and best to you in moving forward. 

[woodsgnome]

For the longest time, I thought about vulnerability in its negative light--that it involved stuff about me that others wouldn't like or disapprove of, etc.

One day, after about 6 sessions with my current (and best) T, she interrupted and said, happily: "STOP!!! Do you know...that's the first good thing you've said about yourself? It's alright to do that--you're allowed; ...I can see all the good in you, but it's important that you begin to see that for yourself."

Now I think of vulnerability as a part of wholeness--a sense of being open to possibilities; including liking myself (what a novel idea!). And sure, there's plenty of negatives too; but as they come up, I realize they're part of the old movie script, not the one I'm in, or want to be part of, now. But I accept its presence, how old stuff has bled into the current 'me'.

I think it's wise, though, to understand that vulnerability doesn't and needn't resemble confession (which implies fault on the part of the confessee; not a good start in my eyes). Relevance matters more, every little detail maybe/maybe not; and the idea is that the trust/comfort level can reach a high-enough level that even those rough edges can be broached in confidence that you won't be invalidated or otherwise have your concerns shoved aside; or that you'll hurt someone you've started to care a lot about. My T is pretty good at smoothing the roughness but also not avoiding it. It's part of agreeing to share this experience, which means she's vulnerable to an extent as well--it goes with being open.

Much as I admire my T, I know I'm not there to entertain her, please her, praise her (although that all happens!). I'm there to share where I'm coming from, how it's going now, and where I hope I can get to; trusting that she can help, but aware that it's still my walk. If that involves some painful (or not) vulnerability, it's a risk I feel necessary. Recently I've realized that the progress the T says she's noted happened only because I was willing to be totally open/vulnerable.

All of this is pretty individual, though. Trust is still hard for me; but in this instance, I feel I have found a safety net with where I'm at with this T. But it took a lot of patience. Like so much of this lonely trek, it might take lots more to even dent the edges. But in doing so, I recall that the most progress I've ever felt was when I allowed myself to be vulnerable/open. I hope you can get there, too--it's like "falling upward" to another level of being.   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all for beautiful responses. I want to habe words for them all, and I will tomorrow. I did want tk say I had progress with her today that I count at a victory and maybe a good breakthrough for our relationship today. I did need to be open and was brave enough to do so

[Elphanigh]

As I promised I have more words, I was just truly tired yesterday.

Sanmagic7, it is really great to hear from both a patient and therapist perspective. My T reaffirmed what you said as well. That I can't fail her, she is here to help me not the other way around. She is also very willing to work outside of her office hours. Some of her training requires her to be on call 24/7. So if I am ever in crisis or really struggling I can just call her. I have only taken her up on that once in the last four months that I have been seeing her.

She treats me very well, and after allowing myself to be vulnerable about my fears and my family abuse last night I am more assured that she is very good for me. I had a few that weren't weel enough equipped to handle everythign I have been through so they were very invalidating. It is taking me a bit to realize just how much experience she has and that she will be here to validate and help me through. She opened a bit about her experience as a person and as a therapist that really helped me feel more comfort with her. I am glad to have shared my fears and think this will go a long way with allowing myself to be open to her.

Woodsgnome,
Thank you as well. It is good to hear that vulnerability helped you find peace. I am aware that it might make me feel worse sometimes, because I have to face the fact I have a lot of fear in me still. That inner child part of me is so terrified. It gives me more hope that it has helped you so much. I really like the image of falling up to another level. I am hoping after my ability to open up yesterday that I will find that progress with her. I think she is exactly what I need right now, she is patient and kind. Also so reassuring without lying to me that it is going to be extremely hard work 

[clarity]

It's important to remember that its baby steps with our vulnerability... that our unconscious mind is designed to protect us and will only allow us access to things when we are ready... so the process is a gradual one, a healthy process of gentle opening up that is then sustainable ( not to say there wont be blips and 'ouch's! that mean we scuttle back inside again like cute little hermit crabs  )

So great to have a kind and patient therapist who will facilitate this unfolding. 

It helped me to stop thinking of my vulnerability as an 'on/off' type of mechanism and see it as this 'flower' that opens in the sun - where the sun is the right environment, and therapy of the best kind can be that environment... as can self-care, and loving partners/friends etc.... and of course, mother nature herself....