Early Photographs-Memories Cropping Up

[Phoebes]

**Trigger Warning- PA**

In going through old photos recently, I came across a few my grandma had passed along to me before she passed away. She gave all of us grandkids the pics she had of us as young children or infants and our parents (she had more than a few kids, as they did back then). When others see these pics of my parents, they comment on how attractive they were, how young they look. They were attractive. My dad is a musician and has the looks and charm to match. My mother was a beauty queen, literally.

But no one noticed or commented on what strikes me first when I see these pics- the look on my Nm's face, and the utter lack of love, care or affection she has in t he way she is holding me (or in this case, not holding me at all, as an infant) in the pics. I am there as a blob on Nm's lap, propped up, but her hands not holding me. Her hands are almost clasped underneath me, and my head is laid back on a pillow. I look stiff, and asleep. Yet my Nm is posing, almost glaring at the camera, make up and hair perfect. This is in all of the pics. My dad, aloof, posing and looking charming. James-deanish.

Now, this may sound horrible, but I see these pics in terms of the type of abuse that was going on at the time. Like in this particular one, the physical abuse started about a year later. I actually remember crying continuously in my crib,(yes, I remember a lot as an infant), and I also remember my mom mentioning several times she just let me cry because she thought if she came in there and picked me up that I would learn to control when I wanted to be held. As I reached 2 and started having my own opinion and mind, I started getting slapped and spanked for voicing it. As I got older, berated, degraded and whipped.

As I've been remembering more, I realize that these whippings and rage attacks were because of my expressing a thought or opinion. Of me being a person. A human being. I was not allowed to be a human being, at all. I didn't talk back, or lie, or disobey, or say "no". I was extremely careful not to. I would feel deep shame and guilt if I made a "mistake" of any kind. Once I made it home with a paperclip from class and felt extreme anxiety and stress until I could take it back to the teacher the next day, and nearly had a meltdown of shame explaining how I accidentally took it home. (How did this teacher not suspect anything?) Nm often said "If I say the grass is blue and the sky is green, your response is "yes ma'am." Even as a teenager, I was not allowed an opinion, a style of choice, or to say the grass is actually green. I was forced to dress, and do hair and make up how she wanted. It was just too much of a fight not to. I tried a few times, but it only brought on severe rage attacks.

At the same time as all of this, I was also making straight A honor roll, honor society, student council, and excelling on my sports team. I enjoyed learning and did these things on my own accord. But at home I was threatened that if I didn't, I'd be "grounded for the rest of the year". NONE of my accomplishments were celebrated at home or by her, and there are no pictures alluding to any of this in our collection (or in my Nm's either. There are no pics of my Nm smiling or enjoying time with me. It was as if I was this huge burden that instantly made her unhappy and miserable. I know that's not the reason she was, but I was definitely a little person new to the world that had no clue how disordered and miserable her god-like caretaker was. I just thought something was wrong with me. The whole time.

I get it now that my Nm was just not equipped to raise a human being. She could not see me as a separate person. She was so embarrased and ashamed that I was not be exactly her. Her need for full and utter control was intoxicating and she just couldn't handle anything different. She carried this through adulthood and took advantage of my stockholm syndrome. She expected it. She demanded forgive and forget, and I gave it to her. Now that I'm NC, she has told everyone who will listen I'm an unforgiving, uncompassionate spoiled and ungrateful person. How she "didn't raise me that way" and how I "don't know how to love." How she has tried so hard, but she just couldn't teach me.

Sorry for rambling..this has been swirling around in my mind ever since I found those pics and it's just another layer that makes sense and reconfirms that NC is the way to be.

[Hope67]

Hi Phoebes,
Your writing really resonated with me - I also had the experience of being brought up by a NM and the similarities between what you spoke of, and my own experiences - I really relate to everything you said.    to you, if that's ok.  I also remember things back to being in the cot too - and I was reading in a newspaper the other day that they have discovered that memories can be extremely early - I can't remember who had done the study, but they were reporting on it.  I think they were surprised, but for those of us who have early memories, it's not that surprising.

I wish I could say more, but my words aren't coming out so easily today.  But I hope that you found some relief from writing about this, and making those links.

Hope 

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Hope 

Yes, I've always remembered things from infancy, and when people would not believe me, I would describe things like the inside of our apartment that we moved out of when I was 6 months old. Or the inside of the car we had until I was one. Why don't people believe? Because THEY don't remember, so you must not! (This is my pet peeve )

I'm sorry you actually relate. I have a feeling many of us do. It's so strange, the similarities.

[Deep Blue]

Phoebes,
A similar thing happened to me in regards to pictures.  There is an old photo that was on the front page of the sports section in our paper.  It was a close up picture of me.  People commented that it is a wonderful picture.  I look at that girl... she looks sad, hollow, frightened... why didn't anyone else see it?  I would wager that if anyone on this forum saw the picture, they would see the pain in my eyes. 

Much love to you phoebes
if it feels ok

[Andyman73]

Was telling psychologist about early childhood memories, espeically about csa/r at age 2. He questioned me on the validity. So I told him I have always had other memories from the same week that that had happened...good memories of fun things that happened inbetween the bad things. He said that settles it. Most folks in his experience don't really have other memories from the same exact timeframe to corroborate their claims. Not saying that they were remembeering horrible trauma, just they had no way to confirm.  Felt really good that have him validate me like that. Which was about the only time he did. Well....that and also saying that none of my trauma was my fault.