*TW* words i can't put anywhere else *TW*

[carnation]

none of it had happened.  i woke up thinking i was in one of the bedrooms in Nan's house.  none of it had happened yet. 


**********
talk therapy
acupuncture
depressive order without psychosis
trying to find the right balance of meds for a year
feeling sick
and tired
and nauseous
if it's not a headache
it's puking
spending the winter in the closet drugging myself to sleep
24 hours every day
electric shock therapy
ECT
forgetting six months of my life
brain seizures
brain injuries
memory loss, cognitive damage, aphasia
was it better or worse than before
much, much worse
a merry go round of painful realizations
eyes opening to pain everywhere
how do you keep your friends up to date?
bad friends don't call or text
i was there when nan died
i wasn't there when karl killed himself but i paid the price
i wasn't there when my dad died but i paid the price for that too
and i'm getting really good about not thinking about my mom
gotta eat every day, real food
and take your medicine
and vitamins
and take a walk
and go to your groups
and remember to shower more than once a week
and try not to die
(but you think about it)
or wake up screaming in the middle of the night
i spent thirteen years with someone who's now a stranger
and no one will ever understand what my dogs meant to me
i am consumed with grief, every time i think 'this has got to be it, what more?'
i turn out to be a huge moron.
i'm scared to let it go.  the boom will fall.

letting go of the maggots in my mom's bed was easy
the whiskey and pill bottles everywhere
the food rotting in cloth
the cloth torn and strewn
her words slurred and false
i tried.  i left.  i don't feel bad. 
she's a ghost still haunting her house
and i notice myself not thinking about her in ripples,
the way i noticed myself not thinking about my dad.
there's no shame in not having a family,
i just grew up until i was 15 thinking i'd had one
we all have to make adjustments

and the other day, before i was fully awake i thought i was staring at an old painted white wall in Nanny's old house.  when I was living with my beautiful grandmother who loved me so much, when I had my dogs, and I lived in a beautiful place, and I had a handful of good friends who lived in the same city, and i wasn't scared.  even though I still had some issues to wake up to (what's npd?  what's cptsd?), i felt safe.  i had confidence.  i thought i had time.

[Elphanigh]

Carnation, if you will accept it here is a warm safe hug 

I am sorry you have gone through all of that. I know that I am certain to have missed things, as I couldn't read all the detail without possibly triggering myself this morning. I am learning to accept a very long, and similar set of things to that right now.

My heart truly reaches out to you, and I am glad to know you did have such a peaceful place once. It sounds as if you don't anymore and I do wish you can find somewhere like that. Thank you for bravel sharing, I wish I had words to make any of it better. I too have been there when my grandparents died. They were often the safest people in my life, so I can understand how hard that would have been. I am again truly sorry.

You have made it this far, and that's shows such strength. I am sitting there with you. We will get through it all and find some peace in our lives 

[Three Roses]

*I added TW to your title - it just lets other members know that something in your post (in this case the honest anger and pain you express), may be triggering and they can choose to read on or not.*

I'm so sorry to hear the things you've been through. Unless you've been there you cannot imagine how it feels, and if you have you can't unfeel it. Warm thoughts of comfort to you.

[carnation]

*I added TW to your title - it just lets other members know that something in your post (in this case the honest anger and pain you express), may be triggering and they can choose to read on or not.*

Yes of course, thank you... It truly didn't occur to me.  I put a tw on things in other places but i figured, here, this was just like any other post   but yeah, thank you, no worries.

Elphanigh, thank you for your post, it's appreciated. 

i was just free associating.  i used to write a lot, this was the first time i'd allowed myself to in at least two years?  because that involves thinking about it!

[Elphanigh]

I really liked your free writing. It sounds much like mine when I allow myself to do it.

Also, thanks Three Roses for noting that