Mother

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Annegirl

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Mother
« on: December 27, 2014, 02:01:31 AM »
Hi how are you my forum friends?
I would just like some feedback on some recent developments, nothing major but I don't know how to take it, and my facial tic has started coming back since this happened.
My cousin lives in our town and his parents came from overseas (some people my mother respects a great deal). Since my father's heart attack and my mother refusing me to come in April after I hadn't see him at that time for 7years, she hasn't contacted me because of an email with details about NPD I sent to my father and sister about her (which they showed her). I sent photos etc now and then and never had replies, she scribbled her name off my birthday card in September. She did send me a song once which was about G-d.
Now I sent her photos of the children with that older couple who are like grandparents to our children (Actually great Uncle and Aunty) as I wanted to show my mother that we are happy despite her telling all my siblings to not contact me or visit, which they have done the whole year. (except my brother 13 years younger,( whom I raised until he was 10) who has anorexia, he rings quite often. (When I lived back in NZ I used to ask every few mths if I could visit for a day, as she was lovely with my siblings, but she always refused me)
Now she emailed me back, "I love you and miss you" She told me she missed me the time before my father's heart attack, but then after 7 years told me not to come??
I am feeling very unsettled, guilty and confused after this email. She is reaching out and I don't know how to respond.
Can anyone put some light on this situation?
« Last Edit: December 27, 2014, 02:11:11 AM by Annegirl »

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Rain

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Re: Mother
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2014, 02:23:37 AM »
Hi Annegirl,

It is late where I am, words are not flowing for me at the moment.   I'm sorry the facial tic has returned.  In this strange journey we all are on ...who knows, the tic may be helpful as in your body letting you know.  Like a signal.

You know an "I love you" with the recent rejecting history of your mother is most likely a "fishing trip" and not real.    If your nMother is even slightly similar to my nMother, there is a hidden agenda.

I say all this, and perhaps some miracle happened, and your nMother is healed and she sees the light, and "loves you and misses you"

 :hug:

« Last Edit: April 27, 2015, 11:19:31 AM by Rain »

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Annegirl

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Re: Mother
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2014, 02:41:57 AM »
Thank you so much for your reply Rain, even though it is late where you are, (here it is 1:30pm Saturday)
What you wrote really helps, I think her agenda is because that couple whom she respects is here with us and she wants me to say good things about her I think....
I also think she genuinely does love and miss me momentarily because she has cried in the past years on the phone sometimes telling me that. But I always felt like I don't trust those words, I suppose the truth is she loves me in her way, which is sporadically for a few seconds every few months, and as soon as I would not parrot back to her in the way she likes me to talk to her, or I not gush how incredible she is doing what she told me she did, then all the love/missing goes out the window.
You really helped me sort out a lot in my mind Rain. I really appreciate you responding to this so soon even though you are tired. Goodnight if you read this now :)

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Rain

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Re: Mother
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2014, 02:47:27 AM »
Good then ...I am glad my jumbled words made some sense, AnneGirl.   yeah, like you say the couple she respects is coming.   Nice words, or her showing up ...who knows.

How pathetic is the crying like water coming out of a faucet.    I would like to think they were genuine for you, AnneGirl, but tears that are conditional "love" are just water coming down a face with no real emotion there.

Give your "inner kid" an extra hug, and have her stand "behind your 'inner adult'"

Take care, friend.   You'll do just fine.    Enjoy your day, and me ...my night.

 :hug:
« Last Edit: April 27, 2015, 11:20:03 AM by Rain »

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Annegirl

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Re: Mother
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2014, 03:14:01 AM »
 :hug: Thanks so much Rain :)  :hug:
« Last Edit: December 27, 2014, 03:15:37 AM by Annegirl »

Re: Mother
« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2014, 09:32:30 AM »
No advice, sadly, since I've no experience with narcissists. But what Rain said sounds very sensible - a way of caring for yourself and honouring your own instincts. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, annegirl.  :hug:

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Annegirl

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Re: Mother
« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2014, 11:47:58 AM »
Hi SC. Thank you for that. i feel confused and guilty because im the only one who called her an N and no one else in my family sees it  My aunt has said she is sick, so that i dont sound/feel cruel i find it less confusing to see her as an abused victim who is in fight mode. I will see if i can post some stuff up on Narcissistic traits and she fits into every single one of them. I can find examples of her in my own life of all 22 traits. But then maybe everyone in the world can find an example of at least 1 of all 22 traits each? You know? Who am i to judge her? Its just to try and make some sense of how i have been separated from my family, how did it happen? My brothers just dont contact me but they all rush overseas to my younger sister (GC) whenever there is a birthday or whatever. They are in frequent viber/ phone contact with my parents and siblings. But im happy here as we have other family here now and more from my husband's side coming which is a literal life saver to me i started to fully believe there was something very awful about me that nobody wanted to be around me but our extended family and husbands boss have become like a very loving immediate family now. Much more loving than my parents or siblings ever were. So why am i even bothered right?

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Butterfly

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Re: Mother
« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2014, 12:19:46 PM »
Oh my, you've chosen to engage in full on war with a PD - very dangerous and there will be battle scars. No advice just a hug and sending thoughts of peace you're way. Personally the choice I've made is to disengage emotionally from uPDm even though I'm in contact and not to 'educate' anyone. They're grown adults and if they want to figure it out they have Internet just like me, they don't need me to rescue them and I don't owe anyone JADE for pursuing my own life. If anyone asks, I am fine, because really I am, without all the drama and chaos I am absolutely fine. Tread carefully dear Annegirl and watch your back! Snipers you know.

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Annegirl

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Re: Mother
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2014, 08:28:32 PM »
Oh my, you've chosen to engage in full on war with a PD - very dangerous and there will be battle scars. No advice just a hug and sending thoughts of peace you're way. Personally the choice I've made is to disengage emotionally from uPDm even though I'm in contact and not to 'educate' anyone. They're grown adults and if they want to figure it out they have Internet just like me, they don't need me to rescue them and I don't owe anyone JADE for pursuing my own life. If anyone asks, I am fine, because really I am, without all the drama and chaos I am absolutely fine. Tread carefully dear Annegirl and watch your back! Snipers you know.

Hi butterfly, thank you for your reply, although im not sure where you got the info that i  am talking with her? I havent spoken to her ever about this topic.

Hang in there, AnneGirl.   We should start the Scapegoats Club ...oh wait, that is most of us at OOTS.

Of course no one in your family admits to the narcissism.   There is usually at least one survivor out of families like yours, and it usually is the Scapegoat.

The last people on the planet to agree with you, AnneGirl, is your FOO.

I've had all therapists through the years verify I'm dealing with a narcissist for a mother.  No one in my FOO would agree, and I'm the family scapegoat.   I was told years ago to create a family of my own choosing, which for me means to write off the biological family I have.   

I would not choose any of my biological family members for a chosen family.    Actually, I avoid people like them.     I hope you can let go of the guilt, AnneGirl.   It can keep you in an emotional prison that you do not deserve.

:hug:

Hi Rain, thank you for that, ithink partof my confusion is that my T once told me that when she contacts me kindly she is reaching out... My T is usually exactly right in all her observations but i think i will have a session about this as my husband spoke to the family here and my Aunt told him she is going to confront my mother gently on all this. I am very afraid of the repercussions, as my mother does not take any form of criticism well even if it is a simple question of " Whats the story with your oldest daughter?" My aunt told me the other day she doesnt understand how my father has been able to stand not seeing me and the children for 8 years. I had been putting it all out of my mind and just going on with my life, but that statement of hers just made me feel something was wrong all over again.

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Butterfly

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Re: Mother
« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2014, 09:04:17 PM »
I don't have the impression at all that you've talk to her about NPD. My post was based on what you said in your opening post. "email with details about NPD I sent to my father and sister about her (which they showed her)."  And I choose not to educate my father and my sister, not my job, and I know full well they will share what I say with uPDm which would then engage me in war.

"Now I sent her photos of the children with that older couple who are like grandparents to our children" and i'm sure the point was not missed by her that she has been replaced and I don't think a grandparent PD or not would take this well.

Just hope you're ok and am concerned for others engaged in a pushing and pulling with toxic people. Please take care and be well.

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Annegirl

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Re: Mother
« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2014, 02:39:51 AM »
Oh i see Butterfly, yes i can see how i am engaging in "battle" i suppose my view is always, if they are normal and civil to each other and showed my mother that email ( which i honestly thought they would have the sense not to do) then they dont believe their is anything wrong with her and it made me doubt myself and just keep trying to get back that relationship. Yes sending her the email i wasnt thinking of rubbing in her face "grandparents" but i wanted to show her that despite all her efforts to stop me having contact with the family i do still have good relations and they love my kids which she has been poisoning the minds of everyone around her telling my brothers etc not to visit me because my house is stressfull, (or something) Not true, her house is stressful, and mine is very loving and peaceful and welcome people. She has always been jealous of me and tried to taken friends and family away from me so i want to show her she cant do that to me.

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Rain

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Re: Mother
« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2014, 03:07:50 AM »
I have a question for you, AnneGirl.   Ignoring that your FOO is related biologically to you, would you choose any of them as friends?  If you just met them today, would you invite any of them into your life?

:hug:
« Last Edit: April 20, 2015, 05:16:27 PM by Rain »

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Annegirl

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Re: Mother
« Reply #12 on: December 28, 2014, 03:35:36 AM »
Wow that question really hit me!! No i wouldnt!! Brilliant!! I will keep this always in mind. But i believe in a G-d and that makes me wonder why was i put in that family then? I believe hardships in our life are put thereto help us overcome them and make us more loving....

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Annegirl

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Re: Mother
« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2014, 05:18:45 AM »
Wow rain!! You have no idea how much that helps me!! This deals with the guilt etc and makes so much sense!! I am going to read this over whenever I feel the confusion coming back and will start to study things along these lines.
Thank you such a bunch, you have lifted a lot of weight off my mind.
 :hug:

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Rain

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Re: Mother
« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2014, 01:08:11 PM »
I'm glad it has helped lift the burden.  If you look in a "big picture" broad-stroke way at religions in various cultures in history, they are often used for "control of the masses"   And, if religion is not allowed in a country, then the head of government becomes the "worshiped one."

We need both Law and Love in our lives, much like we have a Left factual brain and Right holistic brain.   There is a balance and one needs the other. 

The Law is to create safety in service to Love.    We need a conscience to live in a safe society / world.   We also need freedom to be truly who we are which is the fertile soil of Love so we can grow.

Balance ...in ourselves internally with a healthy judging Inner Critic and a growing loving Inner Child  ...in a healthy family with protector and nurturer qualities in parent roles   ...in a government that protects the masses it serves and allows freedom for those in it to grow.   Balance.

Balance is what is key.

I did a lot of reading on the internet about the "blood is thicker than water" phrase which seems to have Biblical force to it, that I was told all the time to train me to be loyal only to the family.  That phrase means just the opposite!!!   The full phrase is "the blood of the covenant ("blood brothers" / close friends) is thicker (stronger) than the water of the womb (biological FOO).
« Last Edit: April 27, 2015, 11:16:41 AM by Rain »