As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

[Ted93]

So here is my problem, I have suffered a pretty heavy psychotic episode more then a year ago and not to get into too much detail but it started with a sudden 'realization' that my parents were evil, I don't know how else to put it, it was as if all my memories were showing a new perspective that was terrifying, making me conclude that my mom had deliberately sabotaged all my efforts to become independent in childhood to prevent me from ever leaving and standing on my own two feet, it was like a freudian nightmare and I lost my *, to the outside world it seemed 'out of nowhere'.

I burned myself into a frazzle and could no longer sleep or eat, and after a week of that I started hallucinating, thinking I was dying without really dying... I could feel my flesh become loose and I could smell the smell of decay, but when I touched my face I found out it was in my head, and yet the things I saw and felt strook me with such a terror that I really started to believe in religion and * and stuff like that and I just spiraled until I got emergency help and a month of antipsychotics to get me out.

I've never been the same since, I have gained stability and can see the delusions and what was real but everything changed. I have acted ridiculous in that episode to the outside world and said things I normally never would say.

Now when my mom even so much as texts me to ask how I am I am immediately angry, scared and feel the need to put up a huge defensive shield, and so I don't even respond.

I completely isolate myself often when these moods strike, often suddenly something that happened back then springs up in my mind and I am just overtaken with shame and terror, and all I can do is pace around the room and curse to get it out, it must appear like I have tourettes or something.

I have and still am receiving 'help' but all they do is tell me to just 'get on with the day and get a job' but I just feel stuck and paralysed and I'm exhausted just fighting this, and I am in a relationship which makes this all the more complicated. I am just in over my head and I don't know where to go. I never considered that I may have post traumatic stress disorder but the symptoms I see here are so familiar.

I feel like I am a ghost often, hollowed out like you could reach right through me, I have no desire, not even sexual and its killing my relationship, I used to be creative but not anymore, there simply is nothing left and sometimes I feel like I am dead inside

I forgot why I made this post, I'm just stuck in another panic ridden night and I realize I'm not okay...

I know the title appears dramatic but thats literally where I feel I am atm

I'm stuck, literally stuck, I never know what I want and I'm always confused, I see no future worth striving for yet my feqr of deqth leads me to just carry on day by day, smoking and letting time slip away, I seem to have given up on life, I'm craving motivation and the ability to really want something more then anything, god i miss that, my biggest fear is that once that 'something' dies in you it might never come back...

[Three Roses]

Welcome, I want you to know you've come to the right place.

Um... if the "help" you're getting is telling you "get on with the day and get a job", RUN don't walk to the nearest exit. Here's a link to some printable info for your health care professionals - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Complex PTSD is different than PTSD, a fact not recognized by all health care professionals. So different in fact that several alternate names have been suggested, like DESNOS, or DTD, and my favorite, "Cumulative" PTSD, doing away with that pesky "complex" word and removing the confusion that we just think our ptsd is more complicated than others'.

We won't tell you just get on with things, or stop thinking about it, or count you're blessings, or any other of the many UNhelpful suggestions we get.

I'm glad you're here and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Ted93]

Welcome, I want you to know you've come to the right place.

Um... if the "help" you're getting is telling you "get on with the day and get a job", RUN don't walk to the nearest exit. Here's a link to some printable info for your health care professionals - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Complex PTSD is different than PTSD, a fact not recognized by all health care professionals. So different in fact that several alternate names have been suggested, like DESNOS, or DTD, and my favorite, "Cumulative" PTSD, doing away with that pesky "complex" word and removing the confusion that we just think our ptsd is more complicated than others'.

We won't tell you just get on with things, or stop thinking about it, or count you're blessings, or any other of the many UNhelpful suggestions we get.

I'm glad you're here and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

Thank you for the kind words I just know that if I bring that list they will not take it seriously since they are the 'professionals' and have often adviced me against going on the internet and self diagnose, I can see the rationale behind it, but I just KNOW that this is not normal, I'm not crazy. That's the hardest part about having been in psychosis, even when your sane as can be people still look at you differently, they see you as 'sensitive' and you become infantalized saying you need 'rest' when you become to assertive, it makes me feel really self-conscious, constantly filtering what I can say based on if I might sound crazy or not to them so my real feelings about my mom and what I saw I have kept closely inside towards my relatives. How can you say that about your own parents? It's a nice coctail of guilt shame self doubt and fear of being found out any moment now

The psychologists I have been seeing never even mentioned anything about trauma to me, even after hearing this story, I trusted them and really did thought that maybe it was just lack or routine and a job and that I am just lazy. I don't know.,.

[sigiriuk]

Hi Ted93.
A big warm welcome. Most of us have been through very painful illnesses.
It is a side effect of seeing the truth for the first time: the truth turns our world on its head.
Like ThreeRoses says, I hope to hear more from you too.
It sounds like you are starting to get mastery in your life.
Everything going to be OK! 
Slim