Nervous about going no contact

[89abc123]

After an emotional weekend I have finally decided that I am going to go no contact with my toxic brother.

The last time I saw him was about 4 weeks ago and I have been ruminating ever since.

I am so nervous because my parents are his flying monkeys and I have am pretty certain my relationship with them is going to deteriorate. I think that's the fallout I have been the most scared of. My mum is also highly manipulative and lies a lot, so I know she is going to try and twist things.

I think I am finally strong enough to deal with it though. And I am super excited about my new free life.

Anyone have any tips for dealing with family members who refuse to see the abuse??

[songbirdrosa]

All the best to you!

The most I can offer is to say that not everyone will see things from your perspective, so all you can really do is be honest and conduct yourself in a manner that you can be happy with. In the end you can't stop them from telling lies or manipulating others, but if you're satisfied with yourself then that's what really counts. Some members of my family are still trying to get me to talk to my father again, and they really don't get how much he damaged me throughout my life, but I know now that I can't control how they react and I've come to accept that.

They may lie, but you know the truth, and only you can decide what's best for you and your recovery. You deserve to be free 

[89abc123]

Thanks for your reply songbirdrosa.

It's such a horrible position to have to be in.

I'm terrified. But change never happens in my comfort zone so I feel like this is something I really need to endure.

[Contessa]

Best of luck 89abc123.

I went no contact a few months ago with my family and can honestly say it has helped my personal recovery immensely.

Do you have a few people that can support you?

[songbirdrosa]

I'm terrified. But change never happens in my comfort zone so I feel like this is something I really need to endure.

I'm not sure who said it, but one of my favourite quotes is "Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort". The fear won't stay forever, and you'll likely find yourself better off in the end.

[89abc123]

I don't really have any support if I'm honest. But I do have a therapist and I already have distanced myself about a 2hr drive away.

I have slowly been withdrawing from them over the past 3 years. But I still see them enough for it to be toxic and unhealthy. Plus I still see all their Facebook posts which make me so angry. I'm hoping to continue to drift away. I just can't stand the thought of yet another Christmas with those people, which is fast approaching.

It's more so my mum that will cause me the most stress. She's not malicious but she is a massive people pleaser and the type of person that will never stop hounding you until they get their way (split personality or what). I read somewhere that the flying monkeys end up being the people who are easiest to manipulate. My mum is so naive.

Oh wow I love that quote about comfort zones!

Did you go no contact with your whole family contessa? Do you feel as though you can breathe easily now?

[Contessa]

89abc123,

Just about, yes. I was on a path of slow repair when I could see that it was not going to happen in a healthy way for me, so I quite literally wished them a nice life (it was a final comment in conversation that made my mind up so made my immediate goodbye... wow, so weird a thing really).

I have one sister that I talk to and my parents have been told, but by association interactions with them have been minimised too.

For me, I have a weight lifted. I feel like the healthy road has been opened. I did not want to enter into another abusive relationship trying to fill the hole they left in me, so I gave up ownership of it.

Now I can work through my trauma instead of compound it. I can freely make decisions, I can stop worrying about them.

I am recovering finally

But having said that, I have built a support network. If something happens I have several people to call on. One person cannot possibly drop everything every time, so there are a few that share the load. Most importantly they are people I do many good things with too.

I hope that helps! Keep checking in to let us know how you go.