deadlines and internal pressure

[Blueberry]

This is a small excerpt from my Journal plus further thoughts / realisations.

Considering asking the client if she could wait till Wed. instead and I'll give her a bit of a discount. The job has been particularly useful for the above realisations rather than for the pay.

Client accepted!

Between sending my request and receiving her answer, I kept on working little bit by little bit since I didn't know if she was going to accept, but strangely enough I felt under no pressure whatsoever. But now that I have an official deadline again, I can feel internal pressure returning and with it a kind of panicky feeling. If I didn't have a deadline, I would possibly never do the work, but a deadline seems to put me under a lot of stress. Though I suppose it's actually the work itself that puts me under so much stress. Not the deadline.

The deadline just shows me there's no way out of it. I have to complete the work and since I seem allergic to the concept of  'have to" (could it be a trigger, even?) the only way it will function is if I actually want to do this type of work. I don't really. By the time I've struggled through it my hourly rate is abysmal. Not because I'm charging too low for piece work, but because it takes me so long to do in between various types of EF e.g. brain fog and struggling with Word and other computer-related stuff. Some of these struggles are actually related to EFs too. As I've mentioned before sometimes I know how to achieve this or that with my computer and then the information in my head goes AWOL for a few days or even weeks and then suddenly returns out of the blue.

So I was wondering up above, Is "have to" a trigger? Then I heard a FOO voice in my head saying "You'll just have to put up with it." Although it's obviously good to learn to put up with some things in life so you can compromise with other people and so that you learn to work instead of just playing, putting up with abuse should not be included in that. But it was. "Put up with it, it's your own fault anyway. You bring it on yourself." I know this memory is true, I know this phrase "You'll just have to put up with it" was said to me again and again in different situations sometimes with "own fault" or "you bring it on yourself" added. Even when it wasn't said, I'd heard it so often that it was clear when M and F refused to protect me from B and refused to believe me when I said I was frightened of him, that they thought I had to put up with it.

I can feel sadness at this and prickling of tears, which is pretty big for me atm. After sitting with the sadness for a few minutes, I can feel anger rising too. Anger at M and F that not only did they expect me to put up with B but in fact with the whole dysfunctional system! They expected me to put up with their own rants at and totally over-the-top and untrue criticisms of me. I wasn't stupid! They said I was. Their constant criticism led me to shut down my brain almost. I often didn't dare ask questions about the world the way children do out of interest and curiousity, a normal way of learning for them because I knew FOO would ridicule me for 'not knowing'. If I attempted to debate/argue which was common supper-table conversation in our household or in fact most other times too, they'd tell me to stop being 'so stupid' or to 'talk sense'. How are you supposed to learn that when you are being slammed down emotionally and verbally? That's a bit of a side rant. Example of untrue criticisms that I had to put up with.

So "have to" a trigger? Very probably. That's why I keep lists of things I could do, rather than lists of things I have to do. There's just a bare minimum of things that I highly recommend myself to do daily because these things keep me stable. Not even they are a "have to". Work is never included in the Highly Recommends, it's always in Could, as is therapy interestingly enough. Most days I do a lot of the stuff under Could, but if it was under Highly Recommend, the pressure would backfire on me and I'd get less done. Highly Recommend used to be called Must, and occasionally still is, but usually puts me under too much pressure.

Sorry for the long post, but it's an important realisation to me that only came bit by bit as I wrote.

[Three Roses]

"Have to" is a big problem for me, too. Tell me I "must" do something and I'm likely to walk away completely or challenge you! Takes a lot to squelch both of those maladaptive responses.

I'm glad you're taking risks and asking for what you want & need. I'm glad you are here, thanks for posting.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Blueberry,

I empathize with you so much. I also suffer from "mustitis" or "have to" allergy. It has caused me endless suffering over the years. My causes are similar to yours. I've only in the last few years learned to push through it most of the time.

I like that you sat down and reasoned through it. I wonder if you'll notice any changes in the future because you've now shone a light on it.

Your idea of making Could Do or Highly Recommend lists is such a creative solution. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us here.

[Blueberry]

We did some big work on this today in therapy, my T and I that is. Confrontation with trauma on the screen, which is a method my T uses with me to cut the emotional bind between me and abuser(s). In this case the main characters in my extended family (as it was when I was a child) were all present, all except my younger brother. There they all were, grandparents and others of that generation included, with "You'll just have to put up with it!"

TRIGGER WARNING

With the physical violence, with not being protected. Actually the fog is moving in, or maybe more like a veil moving across. So I'm going to refrain from listing all of what I was meant to put up with. Anyway it's the "have to" in that sentence which is triggering. Although... hmh, I suppose "putting up with" is probably triggering to.. I remembered after T that elder brother always used to say to me: "Deal with it. Deal with it. You've gotta deal with it." By which he didn't mean I was to work towards a solution with anybody, like with him. No, no.  I was to put up with it and deal with it the easiest way for him and the rest of FOO: shut up and pretend the problems didn't exist.

My younger brother is on FOO's side with this now. It's sad, but that's how my FOO seems to be. With so much massive FOO power behind the statement that I have to put up with it, I realise today more deeply that I will probably never be able to have any meaningful relationship with FOO members. I have been thinking this for a while, but realised it on a deeper level today. Strangely enough, the realisation doesn't hurt me so much as last summer and it hasn't bowled me over.

Towards the end of the session today I felt as if I'd run a marathon (not that I ever have IRL) but I was really gasping for breath. I have never had such an extreme reaction of that type before in therapy. My T agreed that it had been very hard work for me. It usually takes a little while (a few days to a few weeks) for the healing to trickle down and really be helpful in significantly reducing the triggering power of whatever.

I do unfortunately have to finish some work this evening.

[Blueberry]

That have to certainly worked out. Not. HaHa.

[Blueberry]

The have to still hasn't worked out. Just tying myself in knots with the computer and/or doing anything other than useful (like roaming around the Internet). It's obvious to me now I need to ditch this part of my profession for a while.
But now to find another professional round here to take this spot of work off me, I guess that's the only way round the problem.

[Lingurine]

Maybe you are still tired from the heavy therapy session and that can also be a reason to just not going to have some work done. Take it easy, you did major therapy work.
Yay for you 

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Thank you Lingurine. The client decided to look for someone else, so that's fine. She doesn't even really seem to be annoyed.

I think it's a combination of things: still tired, yes, also brain fog makes computer work harder. Then energy is going in to emotional processing and there's not enough left for intellectual stuff, which is what I need for my professional work. Also I know that the emotional processing is more important right now. So I can't just shake that feeling, put it aside and do this work.

I'd actually sworn off this branch of my work till at least August, maybe longer. For some reason I took this order on. Now I can't do it. Well, it's obvious I'll be swearing off this for longer now.

So yes, I will take it easy and go and do some mild physical activity instead. e.g. I have to take something to back to the client by bike. That have to isn't triggering, I notice. Probably because cycling is enjoyable.

[Blueberry]

Now that I'm back from my little cycle I've remembered the other point: I have very low tolerance for frustration atm. That is often the case after I've been doing major emotional work.

The good thing: not too long ago these happenings would have culminated in me feeling like a failure and in a internal voice saying: "best thing would be to kill yourself." I never would've acted on the voice. In fact I used to talk to it saying things like "We have other options now." But now the voice hasn't come at all. Big progress. 

[Lingurine]

That's big progress Blueberry, I know these thoughts can sneak up on you, for me it happens when I'm tired and under stress.

Big  for you bicycling

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

So a further development in this field too. Well, I recognised something because of last therapy session: the allergic to that work feeling was at least in part there because I was trying to force myself to do something which is not a priority atm. Priority is: trauma-processing. When I'm further through the trauma-processing, I might be able to go back to this type of work but not in the next months.

My T also said that things that need to be worked on and to be healed will keep coming back up to the surface in some form or other (tiredness, colds and flu, addictions, nightmares) so long as I don't work on them actively. You can't keep pushing them away, postponing them till whenever. No, I have to promise myself that I will look at a particular 'topic' by a specific date that is not too far away (like the weekend or next T session). I wasn't doing that. I have to be reliable  to myself about this kind of thing! The 'have to' in that sentence doesn't even bother me. 

[Blueberry]

Another deadline, tomorrow. But thankfully also a reprieve.   Client told me today out of the blue that she can't collect the finished work till next week and I know she doesn't actually need it before then either. That's very fortunate because doing that work is one of the things I haven't been getting around to / have kept procrastinating since yesterday. This is a 'have to' which is stressing me.

Otherwise I have sworn off this type of work for a number of months. No more projects, big or small. I announced that when I met up with other freelance colleagues yesterday. I'm keeping going with the other branch of work though. Doesn't stress me nearly as much.

[Blueberry]

So I've finally finished the thing I had a reprieve on. And that's it. I'm taking a longish break from that type of work. Maybe forever. It's just too complicated and confusing for me. Though it's not really confusing, but I presume puts me in an EF and then I get confused. Felt like throwing in the towel work-wise in general today in fact. But that is an EF! 

Doing the other type of work is actually good for me. Definitely better than throwing in the towel.

[Candid]

All good, Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Otherwise I have sworn off this type of work for a number of months. No more projects, big or small. I announced that when I met up with other freelance colleagues yesterday.

So I wrote that some time in July. Swearing off this type of work for a number of months. Today I got a request. And I'm considering it. Or at least I was. Now that I'm writing this post, I'm realising that it wouldn't be a good plan at all to take on this project. Recently I was having trouble completing minuscule projects of 4 pages. This project has 16 pages. Four times as much as the size I was already having trouble with!! It would be madness to take on this project. No, not 'madness'. I realise the word 'madness' hurts some part of me, emotionally. More it would be risky, and it could become very stressful. Stress is bad for me. This project would involve a deadline. It looks quite generous, and if I wasn't emotionally injured and didn't have coming Monday and Tuesday completely blocked already, not to mention a couple of hours on Wednesday and Thursday as well, then I could consider the project. But the way things are, the only healthy course of action for myself and the client is to decline.

I also realise: this is a topic for Screen Processing. Sigh. I don't really like Screen Processing at home alone. This method,  given time, helps tremendously. But usually before it helps, it exhausts me, and I'm usually hesitant and worried in advance. Even though I add lots of protective measures to the imagination technique (like bullet-proof glass between me and the screen, and the picture on the screen is about the size of a postage stamp) I still don't especially enjoy some member of FOO appearing on it. Nobody ever said that trauma-processing was going to be pain-free and worry-free. More's the pity, but that's the way it is. As all of us on here know.