deadlines and internal pressure

[Candid]

I don't really like Screen Processing at home alone.

Did your T indicate that could or should do this home alone, Blueberry?

[Blueberry]

Could and should even, so that I have this to fall back on when I no longer have T. I have about 10 sessions left and T is retiring at the end of March anyway.

He doesn't put any pressure on me to do this processing, it's not that kind of 'should' but he also said that now is a good time for me to try it out because I can still take the problems I experience with it to him to figure out where I went wrong (e.g. not grounding myself enough beforehand was the first mistake I made at home) and go deeper with him into the situation if that seems necessary. Thanks for your concern though, Candid.

Today it did occur to me that I should maybe add to this post that beginners in trauma T should probably not attempt at home on their own! I've been with this T about 2 1/2 years now and only in the last few weeks have I progressed to the point where I can process with Screen Technique at home. It took me a long, long time to even start EFT (tapping) at home. When I told my T maybe about a year and a half ago that I was totally blocked vis-à-vis EFT on my own, even though in T appointments I obviously react well to it, he said "No problem. When the time is right, you'll be able to do it. Till then your inner self is telling you that it is too early. Give yourself time."

BTW just turned the project down that I was offerred.  for me. Even though I didn't do my Screen Processing last night.

[Candid]

  indeed!!  You set a boundary.  Wish I could do that but at least now I know I've never had any, and what trouble it's caused, plus what boundaries are, and even how to set and maintain them.  Practice, practice, practice.

Your T sounds brilliant, he really does.  Everything you've said about him in this post sounds right and sensible.

Am I barging through a boundary if I ask for a brief description of Screen Technique?  Or have you written about it already and can link me to it?  No pressure, Blueberry. 

[Blueberry]

No, you're not barging through a boundary. I'll get back to you on it in a few days.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like some beautiful progress you're making, blueberry.  i'm so very glad for you.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Am I barging through a boundary if I ask for a brief description of Screen Technique?  Or have you written about it already and can link me to it?  No pressure, Blueberry. 

ummm, make that a few weeks probably.

I came back to my thread here to write that work is very slow right now, which is good health-wise though not income-wise. Health is paramount though always. When I 'collapse' due to internal or external pressure, then I can't work at all. For weeks. Or months.
However work will pick up again in mid-September and I'm already feeling that as a bit of pressure. Also there are some things I should really have done in July but was too exhausted (as in "I'm going to collapse if I continue"), so now would be the time, except that I realise that I have only just recovered from July, at least sort of. One of them is writing an invoice. A lot of things still appear to be too much. Note to self: that's the way it is. No pressure, the time will come when it's easier.

[Candid]

Note to self: that's the way it is. No pressure, the time will come when it's easier.

Yes, that's the way it works.  As you say, health comes first.  You're doing so well, Blueberry, you really are.  Give yourself a break. Please.

[Blueberry]

You're doing so well, Blueberry, you really are.  Give yourself a break. Please.

Well, thank you for telling me I am. I'll work on believing that. No offense, you know how it is with CPTSD 
I'm giving myself a break right now by reading your  giggly posts instead of - oh, making my bed and any other number of activities it would be good to get done before my little visitor arrives.

[Blueberry]

My T also said that things that need to be worked on and to be healed will keep coming back up to the surface in some form or other (tiredness, colds and flu, addictions, nightmares) so long as I don't work on them actively. You can't keep pushing them away, postponing them till whenever. No, I have to promise myself that I will look at a particular 'topic' by a specific date that is not too far away (like the weekend or next T session). I wasn't doing that. I have to be reliable  to myself about this kind of thing! The 'have to' in that sentence doesn't even bother me. 

Just noting this for myself! Tiredness and addictions are back. I had completely forgotten that I need to promise myself that I'll look at a topic on the Screen or do a round of EFT by a particular date! There are a number of topics floating around atm.

- - -- - - -

Yesterday I accepted a contract in the profession I'm supposedly taking a break from. I knew that this particular job is very quick and easy and I thought to myself: "It's easy, you can do it, earn a little additional money." I finished it yesterday but didn't print it out and post till today. And even though I checked it all a number of times, an internal voice is still telling me that I 'probably' made some mistake.

So note to self: doing this type of work is just not worth it for the amount of EF-type stuff it throws up.

The good thing is: I got it into the post today which is before the absolute deadline.  for me. In this profession I tend to be very last minutey, which I think is a sign of my overall reluctance.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday I accepted a contract in the profession I'm supposedly taking a break from. I knew that this particular job is very quick and easy and I thought to myself: "It's easy, you can do it, earn a little additional money." I finished it yesterday but didn't print it out and post till today. And even though I checked it all a number of times, an internal voice is still telling me that I 'probably' made some mistake.

The good thing is: I got it into the post today which is before the absolute deadline.  for me. In this profession I tend to be very last minutey, which I think is a sign of my overall reluctance.

It's a month later and I was offered the same thing but double the amount of work and double the pay. I accepted it again and I got it into the post today though the mailing deadline is tomorrow. I think last time I got it into the post maybe an hour or two before the post office closed (needed to go registered mail), but this time a whole day.  I also did it and printed it out all in one go, no break necessary, no overnight necessary. This is really good progress for me. I'm not even jittery, thinking "Oh, I'm sure I made a mistake." No, none of that. 

So this shows me that small changes are possible in a fairly short space of time. The sentence below is not valid today!

So note to self: doing this type of work is just not worth it for the amount of EF-type stuff it throws up.

It was worth it today - earned the month's phone bill and then some and there was no EF-type stuff.
And I went on and did two other freelance tasks I needed to, one of which will definitely put money in the account. Yay another month's phone bill. All adds up. And the other task - well, good it's done. Feels like less of a weight hanging over me, waiting to be done, and it may bring in some more money indirectly some time.

When I feel successful, as I do today getting this contract work done and into the post, it helps me get onto the backlog of other stuff. I think I've posted about that on the forum before, but it bears repeating: contagious progress and healing as opposed to contagious illness.

[Three Roses]

[Blueberry]

Having problems with a deadline again. It's in a few hours, which should be enough. But I'm so tired. Really need to sleep a couple of hours or go outside for a little bit, or both. Then that wouldn't leave me enough time to finish though. Plus the added pressure of: what if my printer cartridge runs out in the middle of printing the pages and I can't get the new one installed properly? No exaggeration, I often have problems with that. I recently worked on the topic in T with Screen Processing, but the session seemed to solve other problems instead. Nothing new, it often happens.

Just writing this for myself because it often helps me to clarify what I need to do. In this case, take a break till much later or even tomorrow. Phone client beforehand obviously. 

[Blueberry]

I phoned my client and she was OK with it. Then I went outside and did a few small jobs in the garden. Then a long nap. I still don't feel like finishing my work, mainly because as usual there are 'problems' left like with Word constantly moving some part of it to somewhere else and things like that which frustrate me. Might be a good idea to move to some music for a while.

[Blueberry]

Needless to say the work didn't complete itself overnight. That Word problem is still there, potential printer problems also.

On the good side, it's not raining though the forecast said it would. That's relevant because due to lateness I offered to deliver, which involves being outdoors either by bike or going to the bus stop.

When this job is complete, I'd better give myself a break for at least a few days, probably a week even - the signs that I need it from this profession are there.

It also would be good to finally sign up for some lessons in advanced word-processing so I can sort out some of the problems I have with formatting. Would make things easier and make working faster, more efficient.

Onwards!

[Blueberry]

Hours later.... and I notice in a mindful way that I'm doing SH (pulling hairs out) while I work. I have sorted out some of the problems I was having eg with Word, but still got a few left. And I'm over the deadline, which doesn't look very good or professional. But that's how it is. Forgive self and move on.