Afraid of people

[eucatastrophe21]

I'm in my mid-forties and am only now really acknowledging how afraid I am of people.  I can feel these "negative beliefs." The problem is, I can understand conceptually that they are just beliefs. But emotionally and even physically -- the truth of the world seems to say that I am not one of THEM (people) and that I don't belong here. I don't FEEL like life is a good thing.  Its not the thoughts I think but the way things SEEM to be.

My progress lies in the fact that part of me is starting to see that these are just beliefs and distortions that come from a lot of pain and not the way things really are. But it feels like it will take so long to actually change the conviction of not belonging here.

So today, I decide to commit to patience.  I am engaged as a dad and enjoy being with my family. But I don't have any friends I see on a regular basis. I would like to change this, but I don't want to contrive and sometimes it seems like too much work anyway. I just don't feel like I have anything to say.

This is sounding so regressive. You would never know I would write this kind of thing if you worked with me.  But it is the emotional truth that I've only hidden in shame for too long...

I am working with a therapist a few times a week now. It just seems like there's too much to address as soon as I would like.

Peace all.

[woodsgnome]

That totally resonates. People never would think I have this enormous people fear--I worked with people my whole life, entertained (acting) them for gawd's sake, and on the outside seemed like I had it all put together. Only on the inside...

So you're not alone in your frustration, eucocatastrophe21; turning this around won't happen in an instant, and man am I sick of saying that. Besides eliminating those old ingrained beliefs, I'd love to chuck the calendar along with them, as I'm also  tired of hearing me whisper about finding peace someday. Instead I end up with these self-absorbing pep-talks.

The beliefs/doubts have a nasty way of creeping back in, along with the rest (fears, anxiety, etc.). It's all part of everyone, though; despite appearances. And we all have the capacity to unlearn and find a new road. Now, though; not someday. And now only happens...now. I know...how silly, eh? Who cares? It helps me gain some perspective; I need it.

So while we share the people fears, we also have the capacity to reach beyond. While I don't have specifics to share, I can note the observation that we can find a way. Saying that much, as a possibility, is more than I had for much of life, so I'll take it as a gift and run with it. Out beyond these doubts--we're worthy. 

[Three Roses]

You would never know I would write this kind of thing if you worked with me.

This is me, to a T. I have learned to hide my truest self from everyone, to the point and for so long I'm not sure anymore who I really am.

The few times I've revealed any of this to someone in person, the common response (other than minimizing) is "I never would have guessed".

[eucatastrophe21]

woodsgnome...thank you for your beautiful post.  I so see the wisdom what you are saying about now. Some soul searching I'm doing right now is this:

I've spent years practicing Buddhist meditation and deeply studying the teachings. I found a deep appreciation that, in many ways, the stories we hold in our minds and bodies are, indeed just stories. That is to say, a past no longer exists except in our body/mind.  At some point, I realized I could have the audacity to feel free and not 'believe' otherwise.  I had some meaningful break-throughs.

But even though meditation, yoga, great diet, and an exercise routine helped quell the anxiety, as soon as I strayed from my perfect routine, would feel anxiety get out of control immediately. It started to feel like I was a slave to practice because I HAD to do it. And I was spending more energy than i was getting back just to fend off anxiety.

And then, by some grace (and another painful life event) I discovered that I had been utterly ignoring a lot of pain and stored trauma.  Even though I had practiced meditation for years, I didn't see this...I was just trying to manage pain. And so hear I am, now, inviting the story back in. I know it does not define me, but I have to feel it and know why I am in so much pain and have so much anxiety and fear. And looking at the painful story of my life, I do not have to blame anyone, but I can be mad as * and let myself be human and feel anger.

So NOW...it turns out, is the time to deeply feel what we feel. I don't have to wait until later for life to start. But I have to be willing to feel the pain of story that won't seem to go away otherwise.

I realize that I've strayed for your response. But it has been such a powerful area of learning for me lately.

Thank you both for your replies. I have to say, it felt surprisingly reassuring that someone out there is kind and is taking time to share in other people's journey.

[clarity]

Hi eu!   

Yes yes!!  it's the epiphany of the 'feel' that opens the door ... then we see the hot coals that we must walk over to reach the cool grass on the other side.... those bleedin' coals.  Seems to me the most horrendous double whammy to have been through it, and coped and bottled it all up so efficiently, and then have to feel it all again - and no wonder sooooooo many people avoid this for a lifetime.... BUT walking those coals, works.

It brings hidden benefits, such as learning true patience, true persistence; it grows your courage, your honesty, your self respect... etc etc... so maybe it is actually all some brilliantly designed assault course with a genius plan, and not just a horrible mess of human stupidity.  Probably! 

I have become a champion for 'negative' emotions... and feel very sorry for them.  As natural and healthy responses that have been stuffed, ignored and given such a terrible name... when all they were/are doing is trying to protect us and restore us to our natural state of peace.  So.. your anger, your agonies..... I salute them, and bow ... mother nature knows exactly what she is doing. 

If you feel that inner pull to retreat into a healing cave... then that is where you will have the space to allow the energy and emotions to emerge...an encouraging wave from my shadows, to you in yours.... x

[LaurelLeaves]

Afraid of people is the way I am too.  I'm not afraid of anything else, just people.   

It's weird, but I find that "studying the enemy" works to help with my fear.    Once I studied personality types, and knew how various people "worked", it led to believing that I *AM* one of them... just my own particular type of them.   

[eucatastrophe21]

Hi eu!   

Yes yes!!  it's the epiphany of the 'feel' that opens the door ... then we see the hot coals that we must walk over to reach the cool grass on the other side.... those bleedin' coals.  Seems to me the most horrendous double whammy to have been through it, and coped and bottled it all up so efficiently, and then have to feel it all again - and no wonder sooooooo many people avoid this for a lifetime.... BUT walking those coals, works.

It brings hidden benefits, such as learning true patience, true persistence; it grows your courage, your honesty, your self respect... etc etc... so maybe it is actually all some brilliantly designed assault course with a genius plan, and not just a horrible mess of human stupidity.  Probably! 

I have become a champion for 'negative' emotions... and feel very sorry for them.  As natural and healthy responses that have been stuffed, ignored and given such a terrible name... when all they were/are doing is trying to protect us and restore us to our natural state of peace.  So.. your anger, your agonies..... I salute them, and bow ... mother nature knows exactly what she is doing. 

If you feel that inner pull to retreat into a healing cave... then that is where you will have the space to allow the energy and emotions to emerge...an encouraging wave from my shadows, to you in yours.... x

WOW! I've never been able to talk about stuff before and really be understood. There was always a subtle judgment or just not understanding and offering greeting card advice. Sometimes, when someone offers trite, albeit well-intended advice, part of my gut screams, "NO, I cannot just look on the bright side! My soul has ached since I can remember and my own parents didn't even care about me. Life has never felt like a safe place for me since I can remember!" My gut says that, but I say, "I really appreciate that perspective and see what you're saying."  But you see, there is hidden judgment in their advice. Because their advice suggests I don't have the right, wholesome intention -- that I'm just being stubborn about not being positive. I've struggled my whole life just to be normal and look on the bright side. And I hated myself for not being able to do it ("WHAT is WRONG with ME??!!!")

I thought this forum would be good for information. And I thought it would be like Facebook where everyone is sarcastic and all knowing. But now I am finding some surprising healing in finding someone who deeply speaks this language and has something beautiful and true and helpful to say about it. So deep bow to you. So much gratitude.

[clarity]

And another bow back to eu!- this could go on for a while! 

It always strikes me how warped it is that it is the truth tellers of this world who are branded as the traitors... ''how dare you disturb our lovely safe (fake) and pleasant ( numb ) and socially acceptable ( bland and soul less) world ''.  What they really mean but cannot admit to themselves of course is 'aaagh!  how dare you expose my cowardice and my refusal to tell my own truths!'  Poor buggers. 

But yes, in those awful moments of interaction we are so torn, so challenged and so stressed.  Those moments are what I avoid by self isolating.  The bliss of peace and no fakery to me is worth the loneliness that is a price to pay.  But at least I now know that the loneliness does NOT mean I am a ''loser'' ...... it is simply a side effect of my choosing to treat myself to space, privacy and the indulgence of doing things my own sweet way.  ' You are so selfish'!! I hear the old echoes somewhere within, and I give them the bird, and feel a surge of victory. 

As the old song says ... ''You gotta fight, for the right, to par-r-rty!''

Perfectly put .... lets rock!