Dealing with Covert Narc Mother

[clarity]

Hi y'all 

Had my face well and truly rubbed in the dirt last couple of weeks, long story short it helped me to find the site and info on cptsd... all new ideas for me personally, and revelatory too.... wondering if anyone has experience of handling a covert narc mother without going N/C?  She is a long term carer for her partner, they live just minutes away, and I have reasonably low contact already, but anxiety levels are very high and steadily increasing due to the rubbing in the dirt episodes ( she excels at the subtle but paradoxically huge digs that hurt so much, but are undetectable to others and hence leave you looking like a spoilt brat if you reveal your pain.  She is also a community saint!) 

With some reflection I can see that my inner child is well and truly stuck in pleasing her so that she is the 'nice' version of herself, and not the vicious ice queen she becomes if she is seemingly criticised or ignored.  And ironically, I have done SUCH a good job of this over the past 5 years ( SINCE KNOWING SHE IS A NARCISSIST!! AAGGGH!!!) that her lashback should I stop this will be just awful and it makes me feel sick to think of it. Her ability to bend situations and take advantage of my empathy is considerable. 

I have seen advice to become the predator, not the prey.  This feels so alien to me.. how would I handle the guilt that would ensue.  For sure, I could channel my anger and emotional intelligence at her, but it just doesn't feel very convincing right now as any sort of solution.

I am already in N/C with my narc sibling, two years.  Other sibling sided with her.  They are, with my mother, all in fake narc dynamic with each other.   

Moving away is on the cards and is the right thing I think.  but many months until this happens.

Now the penny has well and truly dropped about the mother scenario, and how huge the impact is on me...would really appreciate any input on how to move forward with this.  Any hint of displeasure from me and she comes round to talk about it - used to hook me in but now I can see this was just an act.  It is so textbook, its embarrassing.   

I already make excuses not to see her... which works for a few days only. Ughh.

[Kizzie]

Oh yes, I know this type of abuse too well! My M is also a covert NPD and uses these tactics.  I learned how to deal with her at our sister site Out of the Fog which has great tools and lots of members struggling with people with a PD.   

It all worked for me.  I am LC with my M, have only seen her twice in 4 years but I did not trigger either time which is really saying something as she loomed very, very large in my psyche for most of my life.  When I was finally able to go LC with her, I had a LOT of guilt at first, paralyzing actually (they train us to feel that way), but the more I saw her behaviour for what it was and what it was doing to me, it became clear I had to make a choice, her or me. 

So there is hope, it can be done, it just takes time and practice, seeing their behaviour for what it is, what it is doing to you and what you can do about that.  You already see her behaviour for what it is so you're well underway.     

Rooting for you 

[clarity]

Thanks so much Kizzie! Appreciate your words so much...

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear that  

[Noe]

New to forum and jumping in here because I too have M that I have chosen not to go NC with. She is a saint in her own mind, and every convo includes dirt rubbing.

Going forward - sounds like you already have a good handle on the situation, except the awareness that the lash back will come no matter what you say anytime you don't cooperate with her control.

My solution is to focus on my reaction to her negative side. Nothing she says is about me - everything is about her insecurities with herself. It is hard to remember when she is rubbing dirt, and sometimes I have to leave the convo not to react negatively (results in a lashing too), but I just start the next day fresh with the knowledge she isn't going to change and I choose everyday whether to be in contact or not.

I attend a local anonymous group that has regular meetings and if a day or event is hard to deal with, I share there or call members for support. The most consistent advice I receive from the group, therapist, friends and doctors is to go NC, but that is not a current viable option for me. LC causes lash back too, but I realize nothing I can do will please her. Some days are good, but when they aren't, I choose to go NC for the rest of that day.

Good luck!

[Candid]

You gave a great description of my own Mother Superior in your first post, clarity.

I admire and envy you and Kizzie the LC contact you have. I do think you need to have a good understanding of the dynamic for this to work, and be a fair way along in your own healing. Last time I saw my mother was 26 years ago and I was still well in the FOG. It was a mediation I'd called where I thought we could settle our 'differences' with independent witnesses. She finally became so overt in 'defending' herself that one of the mediators sat there in shock (she let me know afterwards) and I spent the ensuing weeks struggling with thoughts of suicide while my hair turned completely white.

It sounds like you're on the right track, limiting contact, setting boundaries, even contemplating becoming the predator instead of the prey! That sounds alien to me, too. There's not much point having an okay relationship with our primary abusegivers while turning into them ourselves. But I do get the concept. If I'd continued seeing my mother after a ton of therapy and the help of this board, I would no longer care if I lost her and would be free to say whatever I liked. I'm not scared of her any more but that's come too late for me.

Noe, welcome to the forum. What kind of group do you belong to? I mean, is it specifically for survivors of child abuse?

(NC) is not a current viable option for me. LC causes lash back too, but I realize nothing I can do will please her. Some days are good, but when they aren't, I choose to go NC for the rest of that day.

That sounds good to me.