Think I am stuck in an EF

[Dee]

Yesterday I got the injunction against harassment against my stalker dude.  I did well when I saw the judge, but I got worse and worse as the day went on.  I talked to my therapist who reminded me that this is because of his actions.  I set a boundary and he didn't respect it.  I have been feeling mean.  The judge is limiting his time at the hospital campus to 10 minutes before and after his appointments.  Also, if he sees my car he is to park in a different parking lot.  I know that going to the hospital is his social life.  He literally goes every day from around 8am to 1pm or later.  I also keep reminding myself that it isn't what the hospital is for.  He can still go for treatment. I am also worried he will fight it and take me to court or retaliate in another way.  I have all kinds of evidence, text messages, emails, witnesses and he was caught lying to the hospital campus police three times.  Additionally, his constant presence is making it hard for me to go to my appointments feeling safe.

My therapist said because of my toxic background she can see how I feel like this.  She also reminded me it is okay to use my voice and protect myself.  She reassured me I am doing the right thing and I am not being mean.  I also told her I feel like I am a bad person.  I think this is all a huge EF.  I'm having a hard time getting out of it.  In my past standing up for myself would have been doing something wrong and mean and bad.  I am also very afraid.  I had no voice and it is weird and uncomfortable finding it, and scary.  I can't help but compare it to when my dad was arrested.

[Three Roses]

I can see where the two situations are similar enough to be triggering for you.

You are not being mean or bad or anything negative! You are only exercising your right to have your personal space respected. Boundaries that are known and respected by almost everyone!

This is all on him. Stick to your guns! :flex: (I really wish that was a smiley)

[Coco]

I think you have beautiful self awareness. Enough self awareness that this experience will change you, stretch you, alter you for the better.

I think this will be one of those experiences that hurts and is triggery at the time, and then later you will realize you have new strength and awareness and feel differently about standing up for yourself. I think you are sorting through boundaries about what your job and responsibility is, what is reasonable, what is and isn't mean, what is and isn't realistic.

I had a similar-ish experience recently where I found myself back in a well-worn situation. I expected this person to call me and be abusive because I had done something I knew they would consider mean, not because it is mean, but because it was me exploring my self interest in a healthy way. As I rehearsed and prepared for the abusive conversation I expected, I noticed my thoughts about it were much more mature, balanced, neutral and true. Hard to explain, but it showed me how blurry my boundaries used to be. I used to view myself as someone who had to keep everyone else happy at my expense, and that basic things like trying to protect myself from abuse meant I was a mean and selfish person because it was going against the will of the abuser. That was crazy brainwashing. In this recent incident, the old familiar guilt and shame was there like static, but I had new insight and thoughts and perspectives and realized the guilt and shame was totally misplaced. I have these new insights just as a by-product of experience. I hope all of this makes sense. I had access to actual logic, and logic shows us the truth in a way that's very healing and empowering. But all our guilt haze feelings are not logical at all.

What is an EF?

I had so many negative associations with standing up for myself. Me doing that in the past resulted in very extreme escalation of the situation and very severe punishment and retaliation. It just became a silent association I had, and trained myself to avoid it. But obviously life doesn't work well, at all, if you don't have the capacity to stand up for yourself in any way. Life kept giving me situations where I had to learn how to do it. Each time we do it, it gets easier.

I totally understand how scared you must be and why. I don't know the back story here but stalker dude?!

I guess you might also be a person who has compassion and has learned that abusive weirdos and stalkers are usually just people in a lot of pain. It's hard to be black and white when you have been close to abusive or damaging people, because you've caught glimpses behind the scenes and it's not as simple as 'xyz is an evil person, the end'. Sounds like you want the best for 'stalker guy' and don't want to cause unnecessary pain or duress for him by disrupting his social life or daily routine. Sounds like you are hyper-aware of the consequences your actions might have and the impact you might have on him with your actions. It's hard living life trying not to impact on others, isn't it? Virtually impossible to exist, really.

I've done my most powerful learning when I was slammed up against a brick wall. In the end, no one is here to save any of us from the consequences of our actions  The stalker guy needs to be taught something. You can't rob him of his chance to realize his actions are destructive. He's responsible for him, your responsibility ends at the outline of your body. We just never know what good can come out of every situation we find ourselves in.