Learning not to treat myself badly

[sigiriuk]

Hi
I used to think there was a logical explanation for my self hatred:
1. I treated myself as others treated me
2. I copied how other people treated themselves
3. I treated myself badly because of shame.
4. I was taught to hate myself.

I now wonder if, maybe it can't be explained completely.
I  think that self hatred is like a scar..a mental scar...and understanding why its there, does not fix it.
I used to think that gaining a deep understanding, (or gaining insight) would fix it (like Freud said).
But it doesnt fix it.
Maybe its time to accept that I have unsightly mental scars, that leave me with ugly emotions like self hate.
Slim

[Lingurine]

I feel the same way Slim, knowing it all doesn't fix it, gaining insight maybe gives relief for a little while. Drown into feelings doesn't do me good either. So, accepting or sometimes diversion like doing something completely different, helps me.

Take care

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

I too feel like this Slim and Lingurine  The knowledge of the logical why does not always help. It does relieve the pressure for a short time, but it doesn't fix it per say. I think it runs deeper than we can explain, like the scar you mention it being.

I am good at the distraction tactic anymore. It is not a perfect mechanism,  but if I can get busy and put myself into work or something else it helps.

[Dee]

I look at self hatred as something I need to work on.  It isn't going to be fixed over night and I need to work at it.  Right now I accept it is the way I feel, but I also accept I don't have to always feel this way.  Telling myself affirmations daily helps a great deal.  Even if I don't believe them I try to fake it until I make it. 

[sanmagic7]

trying to fix any of this with knowledge, no, that won't work.  doing something different, taking different actions than we have experienced in the past, is, i believe, what we can do to change those horrible mental message.

i've gotten sidetracked on re-wiring my brain, but i began again last night.  i'm talking to it like it's my child to care for, telling it that it's not its fault it sends out neg. messages to my mind and body, it was taught incorrectly, and together we'll re-teach it in order to have some peace and health.

i'm with dee on this.  i do believe that the more positive, healthy messages we send to our brain, the less room will remain for the neg., unhealthy ones.  it'll take time, i know, but i believe it's do-able.  i have faith,

[Elphanigh]

Dee and San, I know this isn't my thread but I appreciate both of your comments a lot 

[12Nice]

Thank you Slim and all that have commented I really needed to see this today.
Self hatred has been a constant survival technique I learned long ago. I was doing exactly what you wrote Slim and was still not feeling like I had a life worth living. 

When in desperation I found this site and started reading the resources, links and articles I found a direction for recovery.  Pete Walkers web site refers to a different form of PTSD and in reading this I found out that there is another approach to recovery.  It explained why therapists and doctors seemed to exasperate my self hatred and the solutions I could work toward when the emotional flashbacks come.  It is helping even though I still feel like I am drowning in all these emotions at lease I found a little hope again.

Its really hard to not just numb out to life completely and give up.  Its so exhausting to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions and to be dependent on people who constantly triggers those developmental traumas. 

I really like the comment about parenting the inner child through all these life experiences of constant triggers.

Thanks for being here 

[elise_St]

Dee- I appreciate what you have to say, it give me hope that I am not alone, and that maybe I can get over the negative ways I see myself. Thank You

[Dee]

 

Welcome!

[Candid]

I used to think there was a logical explanation for my self hatred:
1. I treated myself as others treated me
2. I copied how other people treated themselves
3. I treated myself badly because of shame.
4. I was taught to hate myself.

The beauty of lists like this is they bring often-unconscious thoughts and motivations to the surface. Bad feelings about ourselves are always going to run the show unless and until we 'see' them.

Consider this:
1. Others will treat me as I treat myself
2. I can emulate people who treat themselves well
3. Treating myself well is something to be proud of
4. I can learn to love myself

Even if I don't believe them (positive affirmations) I try to fake it until I make it. 

Way to go, Dee! 

It's a bit like a clean-up job on a spectacularly filthy and rubbish-filled home.  When we first see it for what it is (officially or self-diagnosed with CPTSD) our first impulse is to lock the door on it and run away -- but this is where we have to live.  A lot of us hire a cleaner (therapist) for an hour a week, but the bulk of the work lies with us. We start by getting rid of the rubbish (what Louise Hay called thoughts that do not serve us) and we soon realise we need to aim for comfortable rather than perfect. The dusting and vacuuming (physical self-care and positive self-talk) are for ever.

[woodsgnome]

Candid noted that: "we soon realise we need to aim for comfortable rather than perfect."

While not aiming for perfect, it helps to realize that somehow we already are perfect. Which isn't the same as saying all feels right, we're buoyantly happy most of the time, or that we've 'got it all together'.

Maybe it's like this...perfection is a dazzling sky, and somehow it's always there, above the clouds; comfortable comes in the form of passing, puffy clouds that add tone and contrast to the sky's perfection. Ugly clouds bring storms, and then...they always pass by. So maybe we're just perfect containers, with capacity for all--good and bad and all points in between. And we're free to change our notions of good/bad as well; until the judgement layer drops away too. And with it--the tendency to self-hatred, guilt, and shame; once more the blue sky bursts forth, and yet it was always there to begin with.

Idealist? I'll claim it as part of the comfortable journey abiding in peace--as a kid, that was perhaps the only word that I truly loved and desired; dreamed about and s.l.o.w.l.y. realized that I could really have that too. While on some days this still seems remote and unrealistic, it's probably all that got me through so much, and can still be my guide when I allow it and accept it as part of my essence. I'll forget; then remember, and learn to bask in its truth.

[Candid]

While not aiming for perfect, it helps to realize that somehow we already are perfect.

I agree, we are. It's our circumstances that need tweaking: mental and physical health, finances, relationships. All three are equally important to a good life, good being individually defined. All three reflect what goes on in our heads, chiefly the things we tell ourselves about ourselves. My hunch is that everyone on OOTS is compromised in one or more of these areas.

And we're free to change our notions of good/bad as well; until the judgement layer drops away too.

I think we have to learn acceptance, and that means first asking ourselves Why am I tolerating this (whatever-it-is)? Is it the path of least resistance, the path to something better, or the path to *? I loved what Viktor Frankl wrote about the ability to choose one's way in any circumstances.

May I ask how your baseline of "abiding in peace" holds up on days when there seems to be nothing but being poked with pointed sticks and having doors shut in your face? I'd really like to know. It sounds like it would take a lot of practice!

[woodsgnome]

Candid asked Woodsgnome: "May I ask how your baseline of "abiding in peace" holds up on days when there seems to be nothing but being poked with pointed sticks and having doors shut in your face?"

It often doesn't hold up very well. Sometimes it's excruciating, awful, and I'm sick of the whole business. Like why try anymore?

So the storm takes over. And often it's only afterwards that the realization of the storm having passed on that the peace returns. And then it hits me-- ; that the peace was there, but I lost sight of it. I'm not bad for having done so; it was just a very human reaction to circumstances that weren't my fault, that don't need self-blame on top of the grief.

Then comes the acceptance that while yes, peace was in the background, it's natural for me to have missed its presence. Some days I'd like to shove it all--acceptance, allowance, comfort, etc. over the cliff. But so far, I've recovered, and I've tried to go there, not get stuck in the bad.

The key? There is a tagline at the end of OOTS member Jdog who's contributed to this site a lot. It reads: "the commitment is daily."

That's where it starts, and even when lost sight of, making that commitment and returning to it seems the only way. Yes, it means work, which is tiring (and I'm resistant to it); but commitment to know it can't stay this bad all the time; I guess that's how I've gotten anyplace at all.

As we all know; it's never easy, involves lots of un-learning as well as learning new ways.

[texannurse]

  It' s all I can muster in my muddled brain today, but I mean it with all my heart!! What happened to all of us should never have happened - but it did - and now we have to pick up the pieces and learn to live and love ourselves - preaching to myself here.

Slim - I just hope you can know you're not alone. 

[amcolg01]

i can totaly relate. i remember as a young child, maybe 9 or 10 writing out lists that could make me perfect. like brushing my hair 300 times a day, etc.  to this day i still have this type of harsh behavior. i remember my parents telling me they found the list but not really discussing it with me. i just felt embarassed they seen them.

i am getting better, but for the longest i thought maybe if i figure out what is causing my low self esteem all of my problems would be solved, and i would be confident in that exact moment. i was completley wrong, but i do think it helped me realize that my train of thought is off, and practicing self love does help. when i think negative harsh thoughts i try to remind myself that no one is perfect, and that there are a lot of great things about myself.

i am recovering, and i hope you find the light at the end of the tunnle. we dont deserve this suffering.

you are not alone!!