On the road to recovery

[designerofthings]

Hi all,

I'm a 30 yr old male that's weeks away from finishing a graduate degree in design/visual communication. I just recently started dealing with the issues of my past and the loss of my older brother which have been the reason to a lot of my problems with anxiety, stress, the list can go on for awhile. Long story short, I have CPTSD from being abused by my father up until I was 17 or so and a string of unhealthy relationships that only exacerbated my condition until now. It's been a difficult process to deal with, mainly because, I don't remember much from my childhood and last yr I started remembering things. Painful memories that I'm confused on if they really happened or I am "filling in the blanks" because I know there was abuse but... I don't know, I signed up almost a week ago and it's really difficult coming to terms with all of this.. A few of the issues that I'm facing from it are the inability to feel safe in any relationship, depression, mild to severe anxiety (on the worst days I'll catch myself in the fetal position on my couch for hours), escapism with either alcohol, sex, or drugs, having zero control over my emotions, etc.. I know most of you have the same or worse things going on so I don't want to ramble too much about this. 

I started talking to the school counselor who is also a therapist and she was helping a good bit... but then I stopped and started avoiding her after she brought up the idea of me taking medication. I'm not a fan of taking medication and always try to find a natural way of curing anything I'm going through so the thought of that scared the * out of me.. and still does. It's also a huge dilemma of mine. I may be using this as a way of justifying avoidance of these issues I'm going through but my theory on not using medication to treat myself is that I'm a person that makes a living out of being creative. Also from a good bit of research that the most creative people also have the same battles with anxiety, depression, etc... It kinda sucks, because I'm at the top of my class and I'll often overwork myself to stay ahead of everyone plus myself.. But the thing that fuels me is the anxiety of failure or not living up to expectations that I've set for myself which I know can only eventually turn into a fast downward spiral. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but it's a short intro of myself. I really do admire the courage of everyone else on here that can open themselves up to the world. Your stories and advice give me strength when I feel as if I don't have any.

[designerofthings]

Oh! Thanks for reading this

[Rain]

Welcome designerofthings!   And, you have courage as well.

We are open to the world carefully, without names, and without identifying details.   But, opening one's heart is the courage no matter the venue.

Thank you for sharing your story, DoT.   I am sorry about the loss of your older brother, your father's abuse of you.  Sickening.

You have survived, and now you can recover.

I hear you, and understand on anxiety and depression being associated with creative people ...and, well ...comedians.  I know very creative people that do not have anxiety and depression, so there is not a requirement to carry this burden inside you to be creative.   Okay?

Truthfully, in recovery you can feel more, see more, experience more ...and what better to feed the creative soul than that?

I have mixed feelings myself on meds.   Gladly, this is a diverse forum with many opinions, and I've seen that on meds.   What you decide is what matters.   And, that dovetails nicely with recovering ...you find You.

I'm glad you are close to finishing that degree.   Even more so, I'm glad you found the OOTS forum.  Stay, share, learn, grow with us as you recover.

If you have not already, please do visit www.pete-walker.com for his excellent articles, and his current book is a road map so many of us here use.

Please do take your memories, and your body reactions seriously as communication from the Real You so you can heal.   It is very doable, although it may feel overwhelming at times, please do just stick with it and know that there are kind people who do care.

You have found such a place here at OOTS.   Help others as you can, and be open to being helped also.

It is the Healing Journey.

I look forward to your future posts, and learning from you, DoT.

Grace and Healing in your Journey.

Rain   

[smg]

DoT,

You seem brave and strong and admirable too! 
I'm glad that you're here, and I'm sorry to hear of the causes that gave you cptsd . It's awful that you lost your brother and that your father was abusive.
Some of your descriptions of your thoughts and reactions sound familiar, especially the painful confusion and doubt. Even though everyone's life is different, our hearts seem to respond in common, parallel ways. You're not alone, and I think many people on this forum will recognize and understand what you have to share. You're taking big important steps to heal already -- well done -- and I hope we get to share your journey. Welcome.

smg

[CPTSD91001]

Hi, Designer of Things. 
Congrats on all you have achieved despite the things you have endured and the burden you still carry with you.  You are already a success, in my view.  I hope that you are taking time here and there to rest and recharge--get out into nature, etc.  I struggle with avoidance, too, but I'm convinced now that it's only a short fix and the things I need to deal with will keep coming back until I face them.  But I can't face them all at once, so as they say in 12-Stepland, "Easy does it."  (I could be talking to myself here as much I'm talking to you, of course.)
Peace. 

[flookadelic]

Hello Designer of Things!

Welcome to (what for me and many others has proven to be) a very understanding and helpful space. I so admire the way you have taken the bull by the horns and have shown the courage in taking those first steps towards a better way of being. So many of us have gone through your experience, either in causes or in outcomes, or both and it is a pleasure to welcome you and to express hope that we can be part of your healing journey. And just to quote Rain again...

If you have not already, please do visit www.pete-walker.com for his excellent articles, and his current book is a road map so many of us here use.

[designerofthings]

Hey, thank you all for the kind words, support and encouragement! Sorry I haven't responded quicker, I was overwhelmingly busy with school..

Either way, I'm happy to have found a place to help deal with these things. I've checked out a few links and got some helpful info on them and started doing this "self talk" thing whenever I feel the worse. It's been helping and the episodes of anxiety aren't as rough when I do it, plus on a day-to-day it reminds me to stay present. It's been tough but I've also made a conscious effort to cut back on alcohol, get back into exercising and quitting smoking. It's been helping but I know I'm not completely out of the woods so thanks again.. It really means a lot to me that I can talk to people that care and can relate. 

[Kizzie]

Yay DoT, great to hear things are going well!

[flookadelic]

Good to know you are in a space where you can progress! Thanks for letting us know how you are getting on :-)

[alovelycreature]

Welcome 

I'm sure you'll find this a helpful place to connect with others. Very sorry about the loss of your brother, and the abuse of your father.

I'm sure you'll find many other creative folks on here. Art and design are a wonderful to for working with anxiety and depression also. Some of us on here have definitely used our creative skills for working on our traumas. As Rain said, there are also many creatives who don't have anxiety/depression, or at least have good emotional regulation. Nothing wrong with being anxious or depressed at times because our body sends us those signals to help us avoid danger, but unfortunately in CPTSD our emotional responses are a little haywire.

Always go with your gut. If medication doesn't seem right to you, don't take it. I took antidepressants for a very short period of time. For me it interfered with grieving and made me feel numb. Some people also find it incredibly helpful. You know you best.

Glad you're finding the boards helpful. Good luck in school. It can definitely be stressful! Make sure to take good care of yourself

[shadow]

Hello to you DoT
Please excuse any stupid typos I have the after math of migraine ......lucky me. I totally get where you are right now....Im new here too and still coming to terms with it all. About the meds.... I guess its one of my fear issues but I have a massive thing about meds too.....I cant cope with being out of control of myself. It leads to trouble in my experience.
The doctors have been well aware of this but when they ask how I am in myself.....not going into details on the trials of my adult life....we have talked about my depression and I always said....nah I'll be fine. I'll get over it. Refusing meds.
I did notice that I stopped 'feeling' life. I translated that as I needed to head for the hills and have some alone time.....I convinced myself I hated people....surrounded by snakes in the grass lol. And I killed more time. It took me by surprise when my fear escalated to the point where I was frozen. At which point I was begging for meds. I couldn't string a sentence together and I couldn't walk out my door. That's no life at all.
Im not trying to scare you and say this could happen to you because I don't know if it could or not....but here is my tale of the meds.....
They told me it would take time before they took any effect and I sat in my armchair for almost a month waiting to take a trip to fairyland....and it never happened. I actually felt a little let down
All it did was take the edge off of my stress and fear so that things felt easier. My body feels pleasure even happy on occasions and at Christmas I was bopping with the rest of them for the first time in 10 years! I call that freeing the creative energy
So ... rest assured they wont let you disappear into a haze...
Hang in there....