Not sure where to go next.

Started by cujina, July 01, 2017, 08:05:09 AM

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cujina

Living with C-PTSD isn't a curse – it's a reality for me. It's just the way it is. I get that it wasn't my fault that my mother physically abused me my entire childhood (which I won't go into because I feel embarrassed and ashamed - don't want to pass blame - and not worth my time mentally reliving) or the emotional abuse that's continued into adulthood where I have been essentially "thrown away" – I'm not good enough for her. It's not my fault my two teenage daughters are mentally ill (bipolar for one and borderline personality disorder for the other). It's also not their fault. I survived their intense desire to both kill themselves and inject methamphetamines as well as a shlew of other "things" that I won't go into (it would take forever). They're both alive and better today than 2 years ago. We all survived.

I worked with every bit of my heart and soul to pull myself out of my childhood – was halfway through my MBA when my daughters got "crazy". Worked a respectable career job. Tried to do it all "the right way."

I'm now 41 – 1 year old twins (which are the biggest blessing – baby therapy) and amazing 6 & 8 year old daughters.

Everything that's happened over the past 6 years nearly cost me my marriage. I had to file bankruptcy. I couldn't finish my masters degree – 15 years in the making.

I'm exhausted, in pain, have severe insomnia, drink way too much in the middle of the night trying to go to sleep, but still have my husband. I love all of my children – even those older ones who are struggling but finding their way slowly. I'll always love them – and they love me. But I'm in a lot of pain.

Every time I try to talk to a doctor about what's wrong – I can't get it out right. I can only get out pieces and chunks – disjointed. The story is too long. Most people can't handle it. Yet still... i really do find pleasure in life – in cooking, in my CSA, in my children. But nobody believes anything I say. Doctors typically think I'm out to find pain killers or I'm an alcoholic... and I can't give a 41 year old story in 10-15 minutes. I couldn't even get half-decent pain killers when i got 4 crowns and was in excruciating pain because I was too weird about it at the office.

Therapists say I'm an inspiration – because I became educated and articulate. I can't say (I don't know how to) how I need help. I don't even know if I do – maybe time will heal all wounds.

Even here, I can't articulate where I'm at or what I need. The story is too long – I become exhausted before i'm 2% in. Nobody will ever understand. I feel like I'm not from this planet... Born into the wrong species.. I don't understand people and they don't understand me.

Just be nice... that's my strategy... it works pretty good.

Trying to tell people about myself feels futile. Everyone will just judge me or feel sorry for me. Neither of which are helpful.

Some people talk about me in what I'd like to think is a positive light – they say I'm a "free spirit" one with nature (almost sounds hippy like). It feels good to hear it, but I have no idea what the * they are talking about. At this point – I try to do what I want.. no matter what other people think... People sense I'm not like everyone else. They're attracted to it, idolize it, don't understand it.

I just want to keep to myself and my very small circle of kids and my husband. I love people, but I don't trust anyone – and I think most people will judge me. They'll think I'm weird, odd, not their "type."

So, I just spend time alone – I enjoy time alone. It's the safest place to be. Up all night – wondering how drunk I'll have to get before I pass out and can finally sleep.

My dream life is intense, exciting, and full of adventure. It is completely illogical, yet exciting. Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are bleeding over to reality. I wake up.. .and my dreams feel as real as my actual life. That's my C-PTSD.

Lingurine

Welcome cujina  :heythere: you came to a place where people can relate to your symptoms. It's tough but we have to live with it. I try to be as honest as I can about how I feel, but mostly withdrawal. So, Yes, loneliness is a result of me hiding from the world. Like you, I feel people don't understand. At least here we do. Hope to read more from you.

Take care

Lingurine

clarity

Hi cuijna, ( possible * TRIGGER WARNING *...)

For me, healing has progressed since I began to look at and work on my relationship with myself... Inner child stuff and self care being essential.  As a mother, I think we project our ability to love ourselves into our children, which is lovely and right for them, but we can leave ourselves short.. and we cannot heal unless we can feel self compassion.... 

I basically thought 'screw the world' ( though did not turn into a raving * or anything!) more it was an inner attitude of starting to put my own needs ( had to learn how to notice what they were) first more of the time, say no, go no contact with certain people.  That relationship with ourself is the one and only foundation brick of our life.  If it is not stable and wide, all else atop it wobbles endlessly.   

Its baby steps ... in fact crawling to start with...in fact, just lying there, saying hello to yourself properly for the first time.  And noticing that small being who was never loved..... starting with the baby inside I found she was just waiting for me to be her mum...

love to you...
:hug: