'Fawning' revelations!

Started by clarity, July 01, 2017, 10:35:58 AM

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clarity

Started reading Pete Walkers book and already wide eyed and lightbulbing like crazy...

I knew about fight/flight/freeze.. but for me 'fawning' as the '4th F' is new. 

I have spent YEARSSSS, decades, ok a lifetime doing this, agonising over why my ''bending over backwards!!!' for people didn't work, all the while believing that my doing those things was a sign of my loving kindness ( which it still sort of is ) but not realising that my psyche was USING my loving kindness to FAWN... in order to appease and gain approval. WOW.  Double WOW....

It's the sort of news that busts open your head and runs it under a cold tap .. jeez!!!

It makes me want to cry and cry. With relief that I don't have to do that any more.  All of that wasted energy... all of that putting myself last, whilst hearing them shout 'selfish, selfish!' ...

My loving kindness can be shared and given to the people who receive it with open hearts, and who are able to share theirs with me.

But this is a big shock.... and now I need to pay attention and notice, when am I fawning?  As I can see it in the past so clearly in my memories of situations, I hope that I will be able to pull myself up when I start to do it from hereon. 

Yesterday, NM sent me a huge hoovering text, ending with her next me me request.  Instead of the proportionately fawning response I would have sent just three days ago, I sent a concise, kind but very short reply. Instantly, an even shorter negative one came back, like a bullet.  So I did the same again.  Since then ... silence.  I imagine she is darned confused right now.  I feel sad, but stronger.  And polishing my armour because I think there will be a battle ahead.

No more fawning.... let's leave it to them with antlers.   :cheer:


clarity

Blimey, having just answered texannurses post about forgiveness, it got me to thinking....

How closely are fawning and forgiveness related?? 

How wonderfully does our capacity to 'forgive' as the abused, suit the needs of the PD's?

How much does our 'forgiving nature' allow them to continue on their toxic mission?

Was the concept of forgiveness invented by a tabernacle full of narcs?!

:aaauuugh:


Kizzie

What a HUGE revelation Clarity, and some great questions this has raised for you .  Fawning for me came from a place of fear, of wanting to avoid conflict, rejection, criticism, etc......     Once I let my anger come to the surface, I was able to set firm boundaries in place as protection from negative/abusive behaviour and didn't need to fawn then. 

Somehow in that transition compassion for myself and others rose to the surface. For me it is different than forgiveness.  I feel like to forgive would be to turn my back on the traumatized part of me, whereas compassion helps me to understand what happened and why, and to step back somewhat.  My FOO developed a PD because of trauma they suffered, just as I developed CPTSD.  I am compassionate about how they got to be the people they are, but I do not forgive their abuse of me if that makes sense.

It's a bit of a jumble I know.  :stars:

clarity

Thats good to hear Kizzie... I was brought up to be a 'good girl' so its clear how I became so skilled at fawning for the wrong reasons..and going way past my own boundaries with it... even in the past priding myself on being creative at giving without realising what I was doing...feeling so empty afterwards...big clue as healthy giving feels wonderful.  Then huge guilt and defensiveness when the real me broke through from time to time and I took care of my needs.  The feeling/ belief that it is selfish still a bugbear for me. 

Kizzie

Quotebig clue as healthy giving feels wonderful

That's it in a nutshell - finding and tuning into our authentic selves (too often stuffed way, way down), because we do know what is healthy and what is not.    :thumbup:

sanmagic7

healthy giving - i love that phrase.  i think it's something to be done not only for others, but for ourselves.   it is healthy giving to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves first, to set appropriate boundaries, to give ourselves time to think about our answer first when asked a question, and to give to ourselves first what it is we need.

beautiful phrase, clarity, and some beautiful insights for you.  good for you.  i've done fawning myself, so i could relate to this a lot.   thanks for posting.  it's good for going on with my day.   big hug.

clarity

You folks are just splendiferous  :hug:
Been stressing over my postings and realising the patterns of my speaking out then self shaming and going into freeze or fawn...have left so many forums after this..because I didnt understand what was happening.  This time able to ride it out better but your replies brought such relief...thankyou.

:heythere: xx

Candid

Quote from: clarity on July 01, 2017, 08:28:53 PM
I was brought up to be a 'good girl' ...

So was I, while being told I was bad, selfish, lazy and otherwise horrible for everything I did and said. Being a freeze/fawn type has cost me everything in terms of self-esteem, relationships, personal safety and even property. Apart from fawning wherever I've been and whoever I'm with, I'm the expert at beating myself up mentally and physically.

At over 60 I now feel as though I'll never be 'me' and never know what I might have been capable of. Long-ingrained habits and reactions have left me afraid of everyone and everything. I know I need to dismantle this but I don't know where to start.

Thanks for raising the topic, clarity... and I'm glad for the 'clarity' it's given you!

Kizzie

 :hug:   Clarity, keep on posting!

clarity

 ;D ok Kizzie...thanks for the  :thumbup:!

Candid...have you read Pete Walkers book? Its been astonishing for me so far.  It is never ever too late...  :hug:xx

Candid

If I recall correctly, my copy is underlined in many places and has plenty of !s and comments in the margins. Right now it's stored in a box as are all my personal possessions, in someone else's home.  :'(

My current reading is Mean Mothers by Peg Streep, Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward, and another book with Mothers in the title. Ha!

clarity

Ah you have one of those too Candid. My empathies!! Any of those books recommended? 

This is all pretty fresh for me, allowing myself to recognise the profound level of wounding by both parents but as my father left years ago and not in my life its the mother stuff that continues with jibes and covert attacks  :blahblahblah: that are just aaaaagggghhhh!!!!!!!   

Not a good day....its overwhelming isnt it.  Bless this forum!!   :chestbump:


Candid

Susan Forward's always a good read but to be honest I feel excluded by all three of those books. They're all very big on how we as traumatised women can learn how to mother our own children, and I haven't got any. Also, in most of the case studies the women are still having contact with their mothers, and I don't have that either. Don't get me wrong, I don't lament either situation, have missed too many significant developmental stages to be anyone's mother, and it was my mother who drove me off, not the other way round. To be sure she used to do the push-pull thing but the pulling only came from family members she was trying to impress and naturally the worst of the pushing was when she and I were alone...

Quote from: clarity on July 05, 2017, 11:49:55 AM
its the mother stuff that continues with jibes and covert attacks  :blahblahblah: that are just aaaaagggghhhh!!!!!!!   

I hear you, sister! One of those books might be helpful in setting boundaries.