How do people leave?

[lijygr]

I just wanted to ask how anyone left relationships they were in because they knew in their heart it wasn't right. I It would be easier if my partner was an *, but he is not he has his flaws and can say hurtful things when he is angry but all in all he is a decent guy and a good father to our kids. I feel sick when I think about this because I never do anything that's just for me and my well being its much easier to focus my love or what ever on my kids or the people around me. How can I be destroying my family to think about myself. But The problem is is he has aspergers, and how * up is that that I want him to love and understand me, but I'm ending it because of his psychological issues! But autism and complex ptsd will never be able to work he doesn't understand why I can get upset about certain things and why things are triggers. One of the way he deals with things is to talk at me for like a half a hour, I'm not allowed to say anything or he'd lose his * cause he'd lose his train of thought or if I needed a time out for a second and have a cigarette he'd follow me and just kinda stand over me, both of which I said were really big triggers for me, it took me a couple of years to build up the courage to say it because we were t getting anywhere while I was getting triggered off and just shutting off from the situation  completely. But telling him did nothing he didn't understand how something as simple as that could be a trigger and that he wouldn't change cause that was his nature. So they really * hurt but after a few months I started to realize that things really weren't ever going to change, I'll never get th feeling and compassion that I need from him. So I have just been behind hating life since I have made my decision  cause now it's the reality of putting it I to play. Figuring out who gets what and who will live where and I will get more custody of our kids because of work schedules, but I don't want to spend every few nights away from them, my kids saved me and I'm scared of myself when I'm by myself. And what if I have made a huge mistake what if I should have just settled with ok instead of chasing some stupid Fantasy of some loving guy that truely understands me and loves me regardless of how much my past has * up certain parts of me and not hate me for it and tell me that they are going to sleep with someone else if I don't change it. I'm am so scared about the thought of being one for ever but I'm absolutely terrified of opening my self up to another person, how can anybody ever love someone who can never experience love in a physical sense. Has any body found someone they trust completly and honestly healed from their past to the point that it doesn't interfere with that aspect of your lives anymore

[Whobuddy]

I will begin by saying how difficult it must have been to write your post. You are truly brave. It is a good thing to be able to put your feelings and pain into words.

I left a relationship that had a few similarities to yours. It would have been very helpful to have a forum and the books and resources that are available now. I had a counselor but it seemed she was on a different track than what I really needed. Here is my experience in a nutshell.

I thought that leaving would solve so many problems. I thought it would make the pain go away and the healing begin. Reality was the pain was in me so of course it did not go away. And my ex became very angry at me. Wanted me to suffer. Wouldn't try and work things out for the good of the kids.  Those times not having my kids with me were the worst. The situation was very complicated in trying to share the kids with an angry person. Even though the kids are grown now, my ex is still in their lives of course.

I think I fantasized that the kids would just come with me and he would disappear from our lives but that didn't happen. He became harder to deal with because I hurt him. He tried to turn the kids against me and had some success with that. There was no rescuer. No one came and fixed all my problems. The problems were in me.

I don't know if this is helpful at all to hear my story. I think it would have been immensely helpful if there had  been a forum like this when I was going through those times.

[Rain]

I have not been down your road, lijygr.    I can send you caring and hug, with hopes you can find healing in yourself.   You are the one person that you can change.   The answer is within you.

[Rrecovery]

Hi lijygr,

I left my Asperger's husband 3 years ago after 18 years of marriage.  No kids.  He's a good man who did his very best to be the best husband and friend he could be.  Leaving was very difficult.  But I am VERY glad I left.  I was raised by parents incapable of empathy, warmth or closeness - so was he - and this dynamic kept triggering me horribly!  It continued the cycle of desperately wanting to be "loved" i.e. shown warmth, empathy, true understanding and tenderness by someone who was incapable of it.  I am capable and very good at all of these things and I deserve to be with someone who is too.  Since I left I have dated a little but mostly I've been healing from the issues I have that led me to choose an Asperger's partner in the first place.  It's been challenging.  But - I AM HEALING and I believe I will find a partner who is much more capable of love, warmth, empathy and true closeness.  Even if I don't - I am still glad I left because at least I don't have to be triggered everyday in the worst ways regarding my longing to be loved by someone who can't and will never.

I also know someone else who divorced an Asperger's spouse and they have a child.  They too are healing and really finding themselves and are VERY glad they left. 

Enlist the help of a therapist who understands and is supportive.  For years I had therapists who just wanted to talk me into staying. Uhg!  More lack of empathy!  It can be so empty and draining to try to have a close relationship with an Aspie.  BTW my ex and I are still friends!  He's a good friend.  I have nothing against Aspies, I just can't be married to one.

I wish you all the love, strength and support you need to do what is right for you in your own heart.