what does the memory recall process feel like?

[Sasha2727]

I have started having visual flashes of nightmares from child hood and new ones. A new one will almost always bring flashes of a certain old one. except I ran into an extended relative at a Christmas party and that night had a serious nightmare. upon waking I had about a day and a half of serious visual flashes non stop of all kinds of nightmares mixed with blips of faint memories. I was aware of emotional and some physical abuse from my mother but now im pretty sure that I was abused in other ways by my other side of the family. this biggest nightmare I had was so cryptic but I woke up knowing who it was and much of old dreams made so much more sense. Ive been feeling insane for months and having goosbumps along with intense emotions and depersonalization. any of this sound famillier?

[Rain]

I'm sending you a    Sasha2727.    I do not know from personal experience, and I can well imagine others will have far more feedback and information than I do.

It sure sounds like memories are releasing for you, which is scary, but most likely the path to healing for you.   Are you working with a therapist right now?   I'm reading the Shapiro EMDR book, and that likely can help process these memories with a qualified, CPTSD-aware therapist.

This sound scary.   We are all here for your support, so you are not alone.   

[Sasha2727]

Thank you Rain, encouraging as always I am working with someone but started DBT soon. I went that route because the flooding had not yet began lol up until recently ive had a few actual flashbacks of memories but more so just dreams and then flashes of old dreams. My assumption is that as I repeat certain patterns the new dreams are processing that and the old ones are being brought up instead of memories due to having almost complete childhood amnesia. My guess is I was dissocated most of childhood heck most of my life. I retain very little from one day to the next as it is... although some of that could be due to some very poor choices in coping methods in my teens and early twenties. But its deff been cycling, I depersonalize for a time then derealize ( which is way scary and never feels easy ) then or during the process I will flash a certain series of dreams over and over until a real memory emerges. Im not looking forward to what might be around the corner since this last time it was totally new material and dealing with sexual abuse Im almost certain. anyway, good to be back. I think my memories and symptoms had hit almost a mania so I just hibernated for a while lol have a great day! im hoping others can detail the process I have gathered this follows a pattern for most people from reading on myptsd.org

some folks discount sudden dream memories but in this case theres no way I would have been able to just randomly pick this person out of past and have the context of this dream and past dreams keep flashing so ripidly! easp. with an actual humen trigger! plus the little bit of real life memory I have had accompy dream imagery has already been validated. whew...scary stuff. I gave anyone a pat on the back for having to hold a job and raise a family or just go to the grocery store even with these flashbacks and things going on. can make you feel like a kid in an adult suit! or in my case " unreal " or like im "acting " anyway... hoping for others to share!!!

[Rain]

I see what you are saying, Sasha2727.   As I recall from the Van der Kolk book, The Body Knows the Score, trauma memories are always fragmented.

So, those fragments seem to be trauma.   But, no matter what ...it is what you are experiencing.   It is not like you are trying to fabricate this stuff.   You are instead trying to live with the flooding of them.

I'm glad you have a therapist you are working with.    Have you tried, or considering EMDR?    Others have had issues if they are not CPTSD aware, but it seems many have had incredible success.

Please remember this is from what happened to you, and it does not define who you are.

It is a lot, a lot that you are dealing with.   I hope you can even just simply share here ...it helps getting it out.

[shadow]

Thank you for posting this Sasha....I think it is what is happening to me....and it feels like whatever it is that is going to surface is going to hurt. I keep telling myself that it cant hurt me now...but I am still afraid. I don't think Im getting all the help I need. It was a massive step to go to my doctor but really all I got was anti depressants and told to research on the internet. I was also welcome to up the dose if I needed to. But that also could be my doctor thinking that's the way I needed to play it. I have been through some awful stuff...but have always in the past stood back up without need of medication. I so need to feel in control of myself and so avoid all substances which alter my awareness. Plus the health service isn't what it should be at the moment.

I think I should go back to the doctor and push for some help.

Bless you Sasha x

[C.]

Hi Shadow, Sasha and Rain.  I am going to explore EMDR.  And Shadow I hear where you're coming from with your doctor.  I think that sometimes doctors want very much to help, but their only tool is medication.  I found a doctor who's willing to prescribe a cocktail of meds that work well for me in ways that they aren't typically used...but it works for me.  Personally I used to be quite opposed to meds but I've come to decide that needing them in order to work to provide for myself and in order to parent is ok.  I hope that I can eventually wean off of them, but if not I'm ok with that too.  I guess for me it's whether the positive affect of the medication is more than the side effects that I experience.  My emotions can spiral so quickly and be so exhausting and/or potentially destructive (dangerous depression) that I am not going to try to stop using them again for a while.  I am, however, accessing therapy and this web site and books.  I wonder if anyone here has tried Reiki healing?  My healer was good at tapping in to my emotional energy, discovering the origin and helpful inner child type work that would help me heal between sessions.

[marycontrary]

This is likely the biological process going on---maybe it might be of help.


1. The stress response (primarily cortisol) induces an amnesia by killing off and pruning cells in the hippocampus---this produces declarative memory---memory that can be brought up verbally.

2. We take off the stress (eliminating toxic people and situations)
3. The hippocampus is one of the few parts of the brain where cells can regrow and repair---so all of the sudden, you have neurogenesis (neuron growth)
4. Blast---a sh++ tonne of memories start to invade your verbal awareness---seems like * all over.
5. Processing can finally occur now that information is finally permitted to access other parts of the cortex.

[1sillyfilly]

Mary-Im new in trying to understand my CPTSD.  Were you saying that the cortisol from stress will make a person's memory fuzzy?

[Dyess]

Wow so much of this sounds so familiar. I went through a lot of stuff in my past life and felt like I handled those situations to the point of not haunting me anymore and since this last event all that has resurfaced. Not as bad as it all being new again but it's there and I can't shut it off. I ordered "The Body Remembers" and "The Body Remembers" just tonight. It's that exploring into the Mindfull Self stuff and the Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm on medication, which I hate, but hopefully it's just a short term thing. I've gained weight and feel so uncomfortable with myself, so I need to get to work on getting my life "as it is going  to be" back. I'm aware that it will be different, but some things should come back to normal. I'm pretty sure I am going to get fired from my job when I return, right now though I don't care. everything will work out some how. My thoughts on this are that the recent event has triggered the old emotions associated with those other events and it's a snowball effect on my mind. It's exhausting. Some have mentioned EMDR and that is excellent for dealing with past issues. A good counselor can teach you the process and you can self EMDR too. Sometimes I have to do that to be able to get to sleep. My mind just doesn't want to shut down.
Keep working on it though. You sound like you have a good understanding on what you are dealing with and that's a big plus.
Take care.