I'm new here...my story...seeking validation..*possible triggers??*

[Ibelieveinme]

Hello everyone, this is my first post and my story. I have always thought that my childhood wasn't that bad and that others had it much worse. My husband and I went to couples counseling and the therapist asked to see me individually. I later learned that she picked up on several issues which I will explain through my story.
I have two older brothers, and adopted brother 8 years older than me and my real brother 6 years older than me. My parents separated when I was 5 and a few months later my dad passed away from a massive heart attack in his sleep. I have only glimpses of memory throughout my childhood. I remember the coroner calling our house and my adopted brother answering but the coroner wouldn't tell him anything and asked to speak to mom(she was at work). The next thing I remember is a flash of my grandmother picking me up and I kissed my daddy on the cheek in his coffin. I don't remember being told he died, how he died, or others around me and their reactions, or even my reaction. I don't remember the burial or days, weeks or months afterwards. My next memory is my 1st grade teacher carrying me to the office because our neighbor was there to check us out. My mom had been in a terrible car accident. She had 8 broken ribs and a collapsed lung. I have one flash of memory of her in the ICU...the neighbor argued with nurses to let me in to see her. I don't remember the 2 weeks she was in ICU and we stayed at our neighbor's house. My mother was pretty much emotionally unavailable my whole life. She took care of us physically but no comfort or emotional care seemed to be present. I remember being terrified at night...no certain thing I was scared of just terror. I would go to my mom's room every night wanting to sleep with her. When I was 8 my mom married an alcoholic. He always made me feel uneasy and was horrible to my brothers with some physical abuse to them. He ended up hitting my mom and she finally threw him out. I was told I witnessed it but I only remember us gathering up his things and putting them outside.
My adopted brother was a bully to me for as long as I can remember. And I dont have explicit memories of many occasions but I have the image of the smirk he always had on his face ingrained in my mind. I still to this day fumble my words around him and feel very uncomfortable and I'm 43 years old. My real brother and I truly believe he a narcissist leaning towards the overt side and possibly sociopathic. I know that he relentless bullied me my whole childhood and it was extreme after my father passed away. My real brother often got in physical fights with him defending me. He was always much bigger than me...today he is 6'4 and I'm 5'1. There was no going to Mom for help...she either didn't notice or couldn't because of her own emotional problems.
About 5 years ago my therapist helped me through EMDR release the grief that I still carried from my dad's death. I am wondering if I dissociated during much of my childhood? My therapist seems to think I did. But most of all...I would like to know am I just feeling sorry for myself and looking for a way to explain all the problems I've lived with for so long. I have had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I now deal with constant muscle aches and pain in my neck shoulders and back. It has been suggested by 2 doctors that I have Fibromyalgia.
I will discuss my marriage at another time but I believe it has only worsened the c-ptsd because its been an emotionally abusive rollercoaster for 22 years.
Basically, I'm in the worst place I've ever been in my life and need validation from people that are like me. I don't want pity or someone to tell me I'm playing the victim or I should just move on.
Thank you to everyone for listening to my story.

[Three Roses]

Hello, welcome to the forum Ibelieveinme! Yes, I feel safe in predicting you'll get a lot of validation and understanding here, because we are people like you. Welcome, and thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

keep believing in you.  i didn't hear one ounce of self-pity or excuse-making.  welcome.  so very glad you found us.

i wouldn't doubt that you had dissociation going on throughout your childhood.  it sounds plenty rough.  bullies are horrible to survive.  my younger sister was/is one, both emotionally and physically, and i don't doubt she's npd, either.   i'm so glad she's out of my life.

hope to hear more from you.  in the meantime, i'm offering a hug if you want it.   

[Ibelieveinme]

Thank you both so much for your responses! I feel as though I went through most of my life not realizing that all those things that happened were very traumatizing. The death of a parent, almost losing the other parent a few months later, having my mom being emotionally shut down, never being shown comfort or even acknowledgement most of the time, having to ask repeatedly to be taken to the doctor because of vomiting daily from anxiety, and having a NP older brother take out his rage on me daily, a 2 year period of my mother being married to an alcoholic who hit her and my brothers. I only have short memories of these incidents but I have had EFs and have always been extremely sensitive to rejection and if put on the spot or caught off guard in a conflict or even in a situation where I need to perform, I freeze. I have read Pete Walker's book and cried through it all. Someone was telling my story and he GOT IT...HE UNDERSTOOD!! I also read Psychopath Free and literally had the Aha moment...about my adopted brother and even my husband. I have literally been walking around in a daze for a while now, but I have made so many connections, cried everyday for over a month, and felt such gratitude that my eyes were opened. I have so many struggles that i have fought daily, and although I am seeing things clearer than i ever have, i often feel very alone and don't really know where to begin to heal.
I am very glad that I found this forum and all of you....while our stories may be very different, I have found a place that GETS IT!!
Thank you for the hug, it is very needed! Sending one back to all of you!   

[Andyman73]

Yeah....sounds like you dissociated through most of your child hood. I did, for vastly different reasons.

[deptofhearts]

you're in the right place!!!!  sounds like a traumatizing childhood to me.
Standing with you! be patient and super kind to yourself right now. We are with you! XXX

[BlancaLap]

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you had a hard childhood. And don't worry, nobody is here to judge you.