Clarity hurts

[Candid]

They (foo) always said I was over sensitive...

Straight out of The Narcissist's Handbook, clarity, along with "you've always had a vivid imagination" and other nasties.

... and it makes me think they were/are right. 

That's what they wanted you to believe, because it served their bullying agenda.

Im ashamed of being angry and posting rants ...
Ashamed of needing reassurance...
And for writing this...

What they instilled in you was toxic shame. https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/ The normal variant, when you punch a smaller kid on the nose and steal his ice-cream, is healthy and life-enhancing. The toxic kind makes any smidgeon of life satisfaction virtually impossible.

recognising just now that this is ef territory...

That's a good insight. Stay with it!

... but feelings are so default it just seems normal.

Yep, a belief is just something we keep thinking. Practising more life-enhancing beliefs about ourselves feels unnatural and even 'too hard' at first, but like any habit it can become the default eventually. 

Would you consider making a list of everything They taught you about yourself? You can then go through it line by line and start crossing out the things that simply aren't true. Post it here if you like, and we'll help you see all the evidence to the contrary.

[clarity]

Thank you Candid  ... gosh a list.

let's see....off the top of my head -

you are lazy
you are disgusting
you are immoral
you are a lost cause
you are such a disappointment
you have a freaky body
you may be clever but you are not clever enough
your bright ideas are ridiculous
you are an absolute nuisance
we tolerate you on a good day
you are so embarrassing
you don't fit in anywhere
you are selfish
you are unlovable
you are dull, dull, dull
you are too serious and should lighten up
you think you are better than everyone else

Yuk.  So a lifetime so far battling those beliefs and gradually seeing and knowing that they are complete lies.

I had a similar epiphany to Pete W about 6 years ago when I stopped in my tracks one day and realised 'there is nothing wrong with me, and there never was!' ... which was an amazing moment.  Even so, the inner critic remains, though far weaker, and the feelings in the body can still be so strong. It's infuriating sometimes.

I managed to put m off to the end of the week. Which I was quite proud of as felt v guilty.  Hubby is anxious that I will 'get sucked back in'.  I will do my very best not to be.... in fact, I'll do more than that... I will refuse to be.  She has now stopped hoovering and is in her silent wounded phase... whatever!!!

[Elphanigh]

Clarity,

I am so proud of you for writing that list, and recognizing that it is them speaking not what it actually true. I would like to assure you that none of that is true of you. I understand that battle so greatly, and this might inspire me to write a list when I am ready.

I wish I could comfort your inner child and tell her none of that is true. I wish you so much luck and compassion for your journey 

[Three Roses]

 

Great job acknowledging the untruth of those messages! in my experience, re-framing them has been key to overcoming them. For instance, in my family an unspoken rule was "don't cry/don't show emotions". So my rewriting of this "rule" is, I am free to show emotions whenever i want. Another one was "others come first", the rewritten version is "my health and safety come first".

This was an exercise given to me by one of my first therapists, 30 years ago, and it works to this day. 

[tea-the-artist]

I will do my very best not to be.... in fact, I'll do more than that... I will refuse to be.  She has now stopped hoovering and is in her silent wounded phase... whatever!!!

love your determination, clarity!! cheering you on from afar 

[sanmagic7]

i love the strength you showed in changing that statement into a powerful 'i refuse' statement.  well done!

by the by, i don't see you on that list, not from what i've read that you've posted, either about yourself or toward others.  your creativity is incredible, and the work you've done here for yourself and toward others negates those statements outright.

keep at it, clarity.  you are worth your own effort.  big hug.

[Candid]

My list is similar, clarity.

You are lazy.
You are selfish.
You're always causing trouble.
You're unlovable.
We're happier when you're not around.
You always take everything so seriously.

Now for the take-home message I got from CBT: look for evidence to the contrary.

I've always been a good employee.
I enjoy helping others.
I ask for too little!
I make friends wherever I go.
I got out of your life, so stop following me, sister!
I have a great sense of humour.

[clarity]

Thankyou lovely people 

V tough mixture of feelings pre meet up with NM... narc soup! 

Tired even beforehand... probably takes a lot of energy being in dread.

Love your revised list Candid!.... will have a go at mine soon.

San my creativity was dismissed and ignored by both parents so your words mean the world.....thankyou x

[clarity]

I handled yesterday quite well. Managed to cancel the meetup as I felt so stressed about it, but whereas I would usually display my frailty and tell her I was not well, I turned it into 'Im just tired as I've been so busy doing lots of socialising'! This flummoxed her, and gave me some power. I then rang her later. I wrote myself a note and put it in front of me ... 'REVEAL NOTHING! '  It really helped, and I fielded her off at every question, could hear the puzzlement in her voice as my answers were so different.  She played the wounded card herself trying to get my sympathy as I expected she would.  I was jolly, upbeat, not letting her push me back into the usual role of poorly misfit.  I was euphoric afterwards and rest of the night felt really happy and relieved.  I agreed to call in and see her next week sometimes... kept that vague.   

Today I am so low. Exhausted. Maybe I tried too hard.  Supposed to be having day out with hubby but too tired to go.  Didn't expect to feel like this though I should know better!!  trying not to project too far ahead, but hard to not dread the years to come when I'll have to keep up the charade. 

Also realised something quite big ..... that for the first time yesterday I was able to lie to her without feeling bad about it. In the moment I was more concerned with protecting myself and IC than being honest and truthful with her.  That was quite huge for me.  I can see that I crave that realness and connection ( which is what this forum provides, miracle) and have been reaching out with my heart open for these past 5  years ... did I think I could fix her with my love?? I think I did. The awful AWFUL truth is that I cannot and it totally breaks my heart.  My father died when I was in my early twenties.  It saved my life I think. To just have half of the crud to deal with.  I went to him in floods of tears in his last weeks and begged him to tell me what I had done wrong, there must be something I did I sobbed ..... he got really angry and told me not to be stupid and I left in bigger floods than when I arrived. So there was not even a hint of reconciliation. He could not even give me that on his deathbed. 

Anyway, I digress!  I guess today is just about holding IC with her grief as she is realising that she never had and will never have a mother who knows her, sees her, loves her.  I wish there was a switch somewhere I could just flick, to turn off the need and desire for that bond to exist.

[Candid]

I'm sorry you didn't get any replies when you were feeling so bad. I don't remember seeing your post, but looking at it now it has a very upbeat feel to it. You saw your mother and you enforced some boundaries. I envy that!

Yes this is a baby screaming why is nobody there?? What did I do??

This is like when you went to your father and asked him what you'd done wrong. The answer is "nothing". As you get stronger here you'll look over this thread and see how far you've come towards not assuming you're a bad egg who offends and annoys everywhere she goes. I know from experience, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes us awkward and demanding company.

I've been looking out for you and songbirdrosa because the three of us have similar issues.

By the way, there's a subforum called Just having a bad day that's monitored daily. That's the place to post when you really need a quick response.

I can see that I crave that realness and connection ( which is what this forum provides, miracle) and have been reaching out with my heart open for these past 5  years ... did I think I could fix her with my love?? I think I did. The awful AWFUL truth is that I cannot and it totally breaks my heart.

I hear you, clarity. I really do. I kept going back to my mother and trying harder until a horrific Last Straw in 1991. In my heart I still wish she would reach out to me, explain herself, say she's sorry, and make it all right. At some point we have to realise out mothers can't be what they are not. It isn't anyone's fault, certainly not ours.

You experienced the exhaustion of a triumph yesterday, although I understand it wasn't the triumph you wanted. You wanted something that should have been much easier: your mother's love and reassurance. Instead, you accepted facts and adjusted your behaviour around her to avoid further pain.

In days to come you'll realize you had no choice, and did what you had to do with grace and style.

[clarity]

Candid you're a gem...and my post which I thought better of and deleted, somehow found you and your reply is so wise and helpful. Thankyou....

Its the contradiction of emotions that is so confusing and exhausting. Recovery though great in so many ways is damned by the flashbacks...its like being jekyl and hyde and so hyper aware of it. The lows feel deeep...by contrast I suppose to the better moments. 

Anyway somehow the baby was helped by my posting and went back to sleep, so then I fekt more rational and I deleted while she snored.  I am trying so hard to diffuse that emotion in softer ways. 

Thanks for reminder re difficult day section.

And for being the hand of friendship... it means a lot.

[Blueberry]

Clarity, your first paragraph about cancelling the meet-up and then phoning and revealing nothing, answering questions in a way your M would not expect of you - WOW  Way to go!

I also know the feeling of making progress of that type and then falling back again. Either being exhausted or questioning myself and getting into endless discussions with myself in my head. The Empire Strikes Back effect. With further healing, it can lessen, but in my case it has taken an awful lot of further healing to do so. Hope it's faster in your case!

Like Candid I know well keeping hoping M or F or some other family member might change. In fact it was Candid who coached me out of writing to any FOO members after a big blow-up last summer. Not re-contacting about it has certainly been a good decision. (Thanks, Candid.  )

Sorry I didn't see your post yesterday. I did read on here but was skimming. Maybe I saw your first paragraph only. 

[clarity]

Such a  day today.

Realised something just now - that I have a really terrible response to cancelling things because during my depression years I self isolated so much and felt so much deep shame about it ( missed most of my Uni time this way) that I associate 'not doing' things as a failure.  This is obviously a catch 22 as to recover from cptsd we must learn to self care which involves cancelling things while you learn how not to arrange them in the first place!!??!!! 

I also realised today that basically I am sitting in my house, hiding from my mother.

Good grief Charlie Brown   

[Blueberry]

Standing right beside you, Clarity.

[clarity]

Big thankyou blueberry...