Clarity hurts

[clarity]

Firstly some yukky guilt..about being all over this forum and feeling anxiety about having too much to say and wanting to contribute 'too much'. Urggh.

The journal might help as cannot hijack my own thread! And can splurge here and its ok.

Recent lightbulbs brought jolt and me to my senses... narc mother and pa father from birth.  Taken me 50 years to figure it all out with much resistance as the more I realise the more pain bubbles up to the surface.  Yes I was abused psychologically, emotionally, physically, and then abused by denial. Denial to me is abuse too. 'No I/we didn't!'.. cuts as deep as any knife.

Mother...covert narc. Supremely clever at wounding. Sometimes blatant on the biggest ocassions. A paragon of virtue in her own eyes, twinned with a self pitying and denigrating streak when confronted.  She lives 3 minutes away. I am in v high stress trying to figure out what to do next now that I have stopped denying what is going on.

Currently she is hoovering like crazy... 3 texts today full of fake loveliness as she knows I am keeping her at arms length ( lied and said have migraine past 3 days..)  sure she senses something is amiss!!  Florence Nightingale eat your heart out!  This from the woman who told me it wasnt her responsibilty to be interested in my 50th birthday, when I complained (on my birthday  ) that she had not even asked me what I was doing for it when she brought my card round the day beforehand, and talked for ages about the wedding she was attending that afternoon of a person I do not even know!  V typical for her to blah on about other people and totally ignore my stuff. Sent me a text later that day telling me how lovely the bride looked!  Still didnt ask about birthday. 

Usually I overlook this stuff but it was something about it being just one day that I hoped to feel special and she used it to wound. Pretty disgusting. She also said her mother never did much for her birthdays and that it was up to my hubby and kids to sort it out...which they had bless them.... she couldnt understand that her love and interested wishes were unique had they been given.  Oh yes and she didnt write my name on the card...weird??! Always has before.  Just Happy Birthday in great big letters on the front of the envelope.

And this is the problem ... all things that sound soooo trivial and like a spoilt brat wanting attention if I say anything. Talk about a brilliant strategy.   

But of course it IS the wounded child...who is poked again and again...and ignored some more and dismissed some more... she hears that.

The adult me is enraged. Will not take it anymore but is so tired and low on energy right now.

Am pretty dumbfounded that its taken me so long but the level of hurt and disappointment explains why I have tried to ignore it and make allowances.  Even a part of me now saying oh stop making a fuss but thats them again...aaaagh!!! Im going crazy!!!

Thankyou for reading..xx

[Blueberry]

Firstly some yukky guilt..about being all over this forum and feeling anxiety about having too much to say and wanting to contribute 'too much'. Urggh.

The journal might help as cannot hijack my own thread! And can splurge here and its ok.

You certainly can splurge all over your own journal! But I haven't noticed you contributing "too much" elsewhere or hijacking threads or "being all over the forum". I do understand sometimes having to write these old messages down to take away their power. From where I'm sitting, they don't sound true.

[Blueberry]

I don't have any words left for the main content of your post.

  for your wounded child, and for you too so you have support behind you to help you give something to your inner child(ren), if you need to.

Denial is awful. It's a continuation of the emotional abuse and an add-on to other forms of abuse.

  for the rage in your Adult person. "Not going to take it anymore"  The energy will return, enabling you to do something with this decision. For now, it's good that you've realised it and want to protect yourself from more FOO hurt.

[sanmagic7]

clarity, i've welcomed your posts whenever and wherever i've found them.  i don't think they're too much or hijacking at all.  i'm glad that you decided to start your own journal, too.  it took me a long time to do that, didn't think i needed it.  i definitely proved myself wrong.  it's been a freeing thing for me.

coming out of denial can sap one's energy.  it's difficult work.  i hope you can rest a bit, regroup, just let yourself get it back.   i'm a birthday person, too, have always worked at making them special for those around me.  i get what you're saying about just wanting to feel special that one day a year.  me, too.  unfortunately, it's rarely happened, so i can totally relate to your disappointment about your mom. 

you're moving, clarity, and with movement we have opportunities to heal.  big hug to you.

[clarity]

Thankyou for those reassurances peeps...now can you reassure me that I needn't feel guilty that I had to ask for reassurance ( just joking)  ... haha such is the inner life. Sigh!

Better day as I woke really early planning( while still half asleep) a cancellation for tomorrow which was obviously really stressing me out. Old patterns which led to me wondering how do we determine when we need to avoid for genuine self care or push through the fear to help learn we can do this thing??   Such a tricky one.. as I am still early in self care mode maybe its about gaining more trust in my own resources whilst safe and the whole going out more thing will come in time.

[Blueberry]

Old patterns which led to me wondering how do we determine when we need to avoid for genuine self care or push through the fear to help learn we can do this thing??   Such a tricky one..

I hear you. I still have a lot of trouble judging this kind of thing. Even down to: am I really sick physically? Is this cold so bad that I need to lie in bed for a few days? (It was, but I didn't realise that till about the third day.)

[sanmagic7]

glad for the better day, clarity.  i think it does take time for us to be able to trust ourselves in order to know when to move, when to stay put.  one of the things i've used is the idea of damage.  will it damage me to move forward?  if not, then it's ok to move.  there may be fear, but not damage.  i think it's an important to be able to assess that for anything in our lives.

blueberry, i totally relate.  i still doubt myself regularly about my physical status.  it sucks!  still, the more i learn, the more i understand, and, like you, the more i can see what's real and what isn't.  it's real.

hugs all around!

[clarity]

Thanks SanM that was a helpful idea about the damage thing... though my IC considers pretty much all emotional discomfort 'damaging'! Its tricky. At the moment I just want to give her so much tlc and if that means staying home Im happy to do that with her. She sure lets me know when I forget about her! Which I love....that we can be in communication seems miraculous to me.

Building dread by the day now as mother is expecting a meetup. Its been over a week, the norm...only have to get through an hour with her which should be ok but feels terrifying now Im out of denial and starting to process again. Not sure what to do yet. All last week I lied and said I had bad hormonal headache!!! 

Getting relief from my art, piano, garden and self care. I'm so much further than I was a few years ago. Grateful for that.  And its amazing to have the forum to spur me on... I so want to handle NM differently. WE want that....ah no IC says she wants to run a million miles away and never see her again! 

[sanmagic7]

good luck with making that decision, clarity.  i don't know if you've thought of going lc or nc with her or not.  maybe just a break to get some clarity.  i've done this with several people in my past - told them that i just need a 6-mo. break, i've got stuff i need to figure out.  it was helpful for me.

best to you with this.  the idea that meeting with your m is terrifying is a big red flag to me that something different needs to be done.   i have no doubt you'll figure out what's best for you.  big hug.

[clarity]

Thanks san    will be working on the LC thing.  Its so hard with her just 3 mins away! but determined to put myself first.  there have been sooo many of these 'last straw' type of scenarios where I say 'right that's IT'... but have always relapsed back into approval seeking without realising.  Its so easy to dress that up as 'being loving' isn't it...     then there is the 'she is getting old' guilt card.. Inner critic likes to stab me with that one too.  Inner child thank goodness pipes up - hey!! she has always done it!!

Had a huge surge of absolute grief and hatred last night after a couple of vodkas.  Hubby was hoping for some physical closeness... I was still in freeze despite the alcohol ( it used to work quite well, not any more) ... and I had a thought flash into my head  '' I wish she was dead''.  It shocked me to the core, but also released a tidal wave of emotion... don't think I have wailed like that before.  I allowed myself to wish it. And am still acknowledging the level of pain and stress that would make me feel like this.  And right now don't even feel guilty, just angry... god bless Pete for the 'righteous anger' thing... it helps so much.

I could tell the crying was cathartic.  Went on for about 15 minutes. So very dazed today. 

A new buried phrase surface yesterday ... remembered that my Father would say ''You've done that?' when I showed him something I'd made/written sometimes...he was incredibly passive aggressive and enabled my mother, they both scapegoated me from the age of about 8/9.  I was bullied at school at that age.. was the new kid in a tiny school... ganged up on and ignored and called names for a while.  I didn't tell a soul.  Was shattered...had gentle confidence up to that point ( outwardly) that then vanished.  I didn't even think about telling my parents. Not for a second.  They didn't ask me what was wrong despite my becoming very withdrawn at home.  They started to be irritated with me for not being the happy little girl any more... after that it went steadily downhill.  Teenage years were a nightmare.  Felt like dirt under their shoes.

Anyway, today I made cards and the colours of the paint filled me with so much joy...
Had wonderful food to eat, and spent time with my animals and in the garden... I am so blessed....and feel victorious that she has not crushed my spirit.. despite all of her efforts... and she never will!!!!

[Blueberry]

Anyway, today I made cards and the colours of the paint filled me with so much joy...
Had wonderful food to eat, and spent time with my animals and in the garden... I am so blessed....and feel victorious that she has not crushed my spirit.. despite all of her efforts... and she never will!!!!

Way to go! You sound so strong, determined, upbeat. 

[clarity]

Feeling ashamed of my trivial little moans when people on this forum suffered so many more terrible terrible things. They (foo) always said I was over sensitive and it makes me think they were/are right. 

If not for the birth rejection and knowledge that first two years of my life M had severe pnd and almost had electric shock treatment and I was alone with her 80% of the time those 2 yrs..probably that screwed up my brain to begin with. Im ashamed of being angry and posting rants when people here are so triggered by anger. Worrying about things I write. Ashamed of needing reassurance. And for writing this but also know I have to confront and be honest about this stuff or I will never progress beyond the stuck person in so many ways that I am. Am so good at talking the spin.. geeing myself up, pretending that its all ok.  Its not ok. I am so lonely and so small... recognising just now that this is ef territory...but feelings are so default it just seems normal.  Am I bpd but somewhat recovered...probably. 

Oh! I see what just happened. I took the positive comment and made it mean that my pain wasnt seen or heard. The 'happy girl' I went into at the end of my last post.. it was triggering for me when the focus was on that. Thats awful!! Even though when I wrote it I felt lifted.  Oh dear...will have to ponder on this.

Thankyou blueberry....im such a big mess tonight!

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry that I focussed on the positive, or didn't at least mention what  all you'd been going through beforehand. I don't think that what you suffered and continue to suffer is trivial at all! It was more a reflection of where I am today and how much I can give or not. And also my own joy at reading about colours and animals and garden because these three things all bouy me up too.

I don't think there's any rule here against being angry or posting rants. If you're worried about triggering other people, you could put *TW Anger* the top of the post. There are going to be other people on here with anger, like me, but when I try and write about it, it disappears. I don't think I get triggered by an angry post, so long as it's not directed at me. Which your last post isn't either, don't worry.   

[sanmagic7]

i don't think they're trivial either, clarity.  the name of your journal says it all.  there are no comparisons here.  if you hurt, you hurt, and that's valid. 

i can relate to the pain and anger of your thought about your m.  i've had that same thing go thru my mind about my daughter.  not a nice way for a mom to think, but there it is.  sometimes the pain had gotten so intense, that's all i could think of.  either her or me, but i have another daughter to think of, so i kept finding ways to stick around.

people here can get triggered by anything - we never know what it might be.  i would hate for you to edit yourself because of a fear that someone else may have a difficult time with it.  within the guidelines, we are safe to care for ourselves as best we can, and respect that others can as well.

it sounds like you're doing some of the tough work of recovery.  as difficult and painful as it may be at times, as someone has said many times, the only way out is through.  we'll get through this.  we've all got each other.  big hug.

[clarity]

What beautiful people you are... thank you so very much for those replies. It makes me well up that this love and compassion is so simple and direct...these conversations help me figure out so much, they are what I always craved and knew should be happening from being so young. I knew they worked without ever having any!.... just instinct. That we all found our way here for it, is pure grace.

Blueberry...m could never say sorry. Thankyou for that...tho I didnt feel you were doing anything 'wrong'and was just in a reaction which I know you know!( this stuff gets so complicated sometimes?!)  Great idea re the tw warning...thankyou! 

San...I relate to this. Its sometimes just deep instinct at survival level I think that we are threatened energetically and on all levels and it kicks in and those thoughts are the result. Its biology  I believe. 

Starting my day brightened by both your understandings.... 

THANKYOOO!!!  :wave:xx