Clarity hurts

[sanmagic7]

o clarity, i have no doubt you'll figure out the best way for you in this situation.  you'll also figure out all that stuff regarding when to go ahead with plans, when to not, when to cancel and all the why's behind them.  i think you're beginning to sparkle in your realizations.  and, sometimes we just need to hide.  i've been doing that today.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  i think you're doing great.  big hug.

[clarity]

Escaped again with interesting consequences.

Didnt contact NM as promised. Was putting it off. She rang and hubby answered it. He was so great with the whole 'Reveal Nothing' plan. She harped on about how Ive been different since my birthday and repeated it was not her responsibility etc and was me me me me. Could hear her tone uggh. He said I was sleeping..would tell  me she'd called.

Afterwards I was unsettled.  I called her. Uurrgh. I played innocent. I told lies...Ive a bad head, Ive been sooo busy working, of course things are ok. She didnt mention the birthday thing. Was sickly sweet..a whole other person than the one 10 minutes previously. Said a couple of times how worried shes been ...I didnt bite. 

She is away now for 3 days. Feels like a blessed relief. Space. Time to think.

Ive only used this strategy twice and tho it works it has a limited lifespan. She is on the case. She knows... its like fending off a tiger with a chair.

Decided that I have to ignore the anxiety and see her in person to find out wether I can stay in Reveal Nothing then... can I really manage the act...it seems impossible... slight chance I might be able to.

Im so pissed that my time, my life is infiltrated by this horsedung.

I HAVE BETTER THINGS to do with my existence!!!!!!! But this is still only 2.5 months since I came out of denial. Patience my dear, patience.

[sanmagic7]

patience, indeed, clarity.  you'll get there.

have you thought about the notion of no contact with her?  has it crossed your mind?  i only mention it because you said it was such a relief for her to be gone for 3 days.  i know that when i've gone nc with someone, i immediately felt that relief (even if it was colored by other emotions, like guilt, sadness, shame, etc.).  still, feeling relieved let me know that i was doing the right thing.  the other emotions were old messages.

you're doing really well with all this, clarity.  it's a huge boulder to push up that hill time and time again.  i think that when you're ready, you'll decide you really do have better things to do with your life, and you'll let that boulder go.  it wasn't your job to begin with.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  big hug, my dear.

[clarity]

Thankyou so much San.. I have yes, just the fact she lives just minutes away and the fallout seems too big at the moment.
May be heading that way at some point though.
My two siblings I don't see.  One NC, the other sided with her since and that is fair enough.

Black sheep extraordinaire!! 

Summer is so hard. Happy families seem everywhere... in all the neighbours gardens.  Sighhhhhh.

Really appreciate your encouragement   

[Candid]

My two siblings I don't see.  One NC, the other sided with her since and that is fair enough.

Black sheep extraordinaire!! 

Ow. Me too.

As sanmagic7 wrote, there's great relief in the decision not to play the game any more. All those fibs, excuses and delaying tactics take their toll.

[Hope66]

Hi Clarity,
I was looking for you in the forum, as you sent me a PM on 22nd July, and I didn't realise that till a week later, and when I tried to reply, I see you may no longer be 'active' in the forum?  I couldn't send you a reply.  I just wanted to say that I hope you're ok, and if you do pop back to the forum, then please let me know - as I'd like to reply to your message.  I appreciated it.
Take care,
Hope