On being a doormat

[songbirdrosa]

It seems the take away revelation of this week is that I'm far too pliable to the wills of others. And that's now causing some pretty hefty turmoil in my head. Not only do I have a friend's birthday coming up next week that I'll almost certainly cave in and go to even though I'm not really dealing with people too well right now, but I announced my own going away party because someone told me I had to have one. Do I even want to have one? No, I don't.

When I found out that I would have to move in the coming months, I envisioned myself slipping away quickly and quietly, without any fuss and telling as few people as possible. I need to make a clean break from this place. But as soon as I told my friend (incidentally the same one whose birthday it is next week), she insisted that I needed to have a big farewell thing. I stalled for a little while, but last week I gave in and made an event on Facebook for it, despite the fact I deliberately removed myself from Facebook several months ago. And now? I feel like I'm stuck. If I remove the event, people are going to ask why. And even if I do, it still means that I've told more people than I intended to, so no doubt I'll be bombarded with requests to catch up before I go. Primarily by people I don't want to see.

I feel so trapped. I knew that I had the right to say no, but I didn't. I'm a classic fawn-type. I give others what they want, to my own detriment. And now I can't take it back.

[Candid]

I'm another fawn, rosa, and it occurs to me that the constant worrying about what other people think and want has prevented me ever knowing what I want or even being mySelf.

It's also the reason we have relational problems, right? If you know in advance that you're going to let yourself be manipulated by pretty much anyone, it makes sense to stay away from people when you're not feeling strong.

I was with four women friends a couple of weeks ago, in a pub beer garden for lunch, when one of them suggested that the next get-together be at her place. She lives in an out-of-the-way area and I don't drive, so another of the women was going to pick me up in town. I said yes to all this but I was pretty sure I was going to bail out, because I would feel trapped and under obligation in a situation like that. Being away from home and unable to get away under my own steam is always a triggering situation for me.

I did bail out, sending an apologetic email to all of them but not giving a reason. Now, naturally, I'm wondering whether they'll include me in the next invitation or perhaps they celebrated my absence. No matter. I know I would have been anxious the night before, slept badly, and been way too vulnerable if I'd gone along.

It's possible that if you go to the birthday celebration you'll have a good time. That has happened to me in the past, admittedly not when I have such strong misgivings beforehand. Will you be able to slip away if you need to?

You know, you can cancel your going-away party if you really want to. Or if it's in a public place, just not show up. 

This friend with the birthday sounds like one you need to break with, or be more assertive with. I've always found breaking (or doing a disappearing act) easier but very guilt-inducing.

If I remove the event, people are going to ask why.

"Because I have a lot on my plate and I don't feel up to it." (I wrote "Sorry" on the end of that, then deleted it.)

I've told more people than I intended to, so no doubt I'll be bombarded with requests to catch up before I go. Primarily by people I don't want to see.

Oh, Facebook. I was manoeuvred into it years ago and immediately horrified by what came out of the woodwork. When I slammed the lid on it, I got a message saying if I logged in at all in the ensuing two weeks, my account would automatically be reinstated. Too easy. Facebook bombarded me with emails in that time but I've never looked back.

People you don't want to see are the ones you can offend without penalty. I know, that's tough for lowly worms like us. Who are we to give offence? And on the flipside, this is why we remain pitifully lonely and isolated. Typically, fawns are surrounded by a whole bunch of manipulators and users we can't relate to while the good company gives us a wide berth.

And now I can't take it back.

You can if you want to. You're moving away, right? But you and I have some work to do on ourselves, don't we?

[songbirdrosa]

Candid, thank you so much. I can't begin to express how much your words touched me.

I do allow myself to be manipulated and used. Even when the people doing it don't even realise! I'm sweet, obliging, and courteous little me. Always ready to give up everything and let myself be walked over and consumed.

I actually have a similar story. My friends have a weekly get together on Sunday nights, and I was finding it increasingly hard to cope with it. In attendance are the friend who told me to go to her birthday/have a going away party, a friend who I liked quite a bit more than that, and a self-professed sociopath who despite knowing my feelings decided  to ask her out just because he could. I hated seeing them together, and he always made sure to be overtly flirtatious, touchy-feely, and frankly inappropriate. So last week, I finally told them I'm not going anymore. And I survived. So it follows that I can survive this.

I'll do my best to assert myself. If not, it's not too long before I get a fresh start

[sanmagic7]

sending strength and energy so you can do what it is you truly want to do, songbird.  i think we often feel trapped in situations like this because of our own fears that we're not really good enough to do what we want the way we want. 

i used to make up excuses to get out of things, like i just came down with a cold, or one of the kids was sick, so i had to stay home.  i always felt like it had to be an acceptable excuse, one that was good enough in the eyes of others.    just saying i changed my mind, or that, like candid said, i had too much going on never seemed enough.

one other thing i learned along the way, which i employ when i remember it, is that when someone asks me to do something, i tell them 'i'll have to think about what's going on' or just 'i'll give that a thought and get back to you'.  it helped me break that automatic 'yes' response i was so likely to give without thinking if i really wanted to be involved.  for future reference, if you like.

anyway, best to you with this.  i hope you do what you want.  but, if not, i still get it, still support you.  i know what it's like.  sometimes realizing is the first step - the rest will come when you're ready.   big hug.

[Candid]

songbirdrosa, it's a tough line to walk, but we do have to honour our feelings. Trouble is, those of us with doormat tendencies put a lot of effort into isolating ourselves without realising we're doing it. It's true that being out and about in good company is great for the soul, so we need to be discriminating.

My social world is very small and manageable right now but about to get busier, so I'm treading cautiously. Our bad feelings are there to let us know we're not safe. As sanmagic7 wrote, it's good policy to pause before accepting invitations or agreeing to help out, to check in with our gut feelings and act accordingly.

I don't have any PDs in my circle right now. Those women I was with are all good people; in fact I feel like the dishrag with them. If I could replay that lunch out, I'd like to say something more honest. That's the only way to deepen the friendships that matter. At the same time we can practise acknowledging our feelings so we don't rush into anything.

Would you consider arranging a one-on-one with the friend you like "quite a bit more"? It's a tough call to open up in a group situation, especially one with a sociopath in it!

to you.

[clarity]

Really feel for you in this situation Songbird.  It is so much the default setting to say 'yes' before it's even registered properly.. I got so sick of this in my life that I have gone the other way... well almost.  I have gotten really good at saying No. Probably now need to ease back into yes, but in a different way- as candid says... testing the gut reaction.  Sometimes I can do that well.

I have no social media.  A very tiny social diary.  And currently am still just enjoying the peace and space which feels like bliss to me most of the time.  After a lifetime of all those yes's and agonising family do's. My sister is obsessed with get togethers.  She will throw one for the opening of a tin can!!!  And would then ignore me and be the life and soul, the court jester .. complete with narc digs thrown in for good measure.  The vibe was just horrible!!!  Then I went NC with her 2 years ago and have never regretted it for a moment. It is sad in a rational sort of way, but I just feel such relief. 

The word No has been my saviour. 
No, I will not play a walk on 'extra' part in your egotistical showboat.
No, I will not waste my precious time doing things that bore me to tears.
No, I will not sit with a cheesy fake smile on my face, pretending to be having a good time, when I am so not! just so that you are not offended.
No, I will not give you the satisfaction of pulling my strings any more.

If I must become a bit of an arse to accomplish all of this, then so be it!!  ( In your eyes anyway dear NS).

So now my challenge is to accomplish something similar with NM. 

I think most of us ctpsd types are so sensitive that mass get togethers are just too much information coming at us all at once.
In one to one scenarios with a lovely person, there is such richness, just in that one interaction!
And don't the 'sheeple' just flock together because they are too scared to be alone?

I am so very glad that I can value my time alone as time WITH 'myselves'.... and other people are just the added extra when I feel like some new energy around me.

Maybe songbird you could use this leaving time as practice time for your new life!

I really love the phrase '' what other people think of me is none of my business''.
Which frees us up to do whatever we need to do... it's up to them how they handle it!
And just a thought .... I bet that some of the people who would come don't want to come and are just fawning themselves anyways....

Do what you NEED.
Honour your own needs ( with kindness in your methods) as if they are the ultimate truth.
Because they really are.
And the results will prove this.

Every time ( EVERY time) I have managed to do this, things have turned out not only well, but far better than I would have predicted.  it is as if life itself responds when we are true to our own souls, and who we really are....










 

[Candid]

If I must become a bit of an arse to accomplish all of this, then so be it!!

Thank you so much for writing this, clarity. I'll tell you right now that I always enjoy your posts and your way with words. ARSE is a particular favourite of mine.

I'm going to 'lift' this to my journal.

[songbirdrosa]

I'm with Candid, that's a great post, clarity!

You're very right that such environments can be detrimental. I've recently discovered that I'm a highly sensitive person, and that goes miles in explaining not only why I'm so empathetic and eager to please people, but also why I find big parties and gatherings to overwhelming and tiresome. It's a common trait among c-ptsd sufferers, is it not?

The birthday party is in two days, and I'm still unsure as to whether I'm going to go or not. My gut tells me that I'm not up to it, so perhaps I shouldn't.

I have no social media.  A very tiny social diary.  And currently am still just enjoying the peace and space which feels like bliss to me most of the time.

I left Facebook for similar reasons. I found that it was bringing out the worst in me, making me angry, depressed, and grasping for people's approval. So one day, I just quit. And I haven't missed it for a moment since. It was quite revelatory too, because all of a sudden heaps of people dropped out of my life because they couldn't be bothered to ask for my phone number, email, or anything. Only two people out of nearly two hundred made an effort to contact me. As soon as I wasn't maintaining my side of things, they didn't care. And frankly, I'm better off without that.

Let us live for us, as we haven't allowed ourselves to for such a dreadfully long time!

[songbirdrosa]

I did it! I cancelled the going away party that I didn't want to have!

[Candid]

   

[songbirdrosa]

And now I'm feeling utterly betrayed.

I just found out that my "friend" who wants me to go to her party withheld information in order to get me to go. Not only has she invited the covert narc who I've said I have problems with, the sociopath who I've also said I have problems with, but the guy who I had a thing with last year and his new girlfriend. A thing that did not end cleanly or painlessly. And she didn't tell me because she knew I wouldn't go if he was there. Is she trying to set me into a depressive episode?! Because that's what it feels like!

That's it. I'm not going. I don't care what she says. It'll destroy me if I do.

[Three Roses]

I'm so glad you found out ahead of time! And good for you, exercising proper self care and not going. Yay, you! 

[clarity]

Songbird!!! YAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!

You beat me!! I cancelled my meetup with mum today, but you did two!! 

We should throw our own cancellation party- hehehe

Your growing strength is beaming out so clearly from your posts in this thread... how fantabulous!!!

I'm proud of you ... and grateful because you are reflecting back to me the power of truth and authenticity and I so absolutely believe that this is what life wants in some strange way....

[Candid]

Mission accomplished, songbirdrosa: you're not giving any party, and you're not going to one, either. No loss there.

However, I can only imagine the sting of knowing this 'friend' was setting you up to run into the covert narc, the sociopath, and the ex with his new partner! That sounds like a deliberate plan to traumatize you all over again in front of hostile bystanders.

Clarity, well done for cancelling that M-meetup, as well. It takes some of us many years to realize which situations are um... uncomfortable for us, with all the FOG swirling in our heads. If clearing the FOG means a period of aloneness, so be it. We need time to contemplate how 'off' our personal compasses are and practise being assertive so we don't run into these same pointless and painful relationships over and over again.

This thread really shows how the forum acts as a sounding board for those of us who struggle with self-doubt.

[clarity]

Candid, was so pleased that the naughty word censor didn't asterix 'arse'.
With apologies to those who might disapprove ( as I use the word because it makes me laugh  )

Here is a little rap, which is a bit weird for a 50 year old woman, but hey!

I'm an arse
But I just don't care
You can rage at me
You can point and stare
But here's the thing Ma
I just woke up
And I saw the way
That my life got stuck
I been so damn sweet
I been so damn nice
Been your personal doormat
More than once or twice
Gotta find my steel
Gotta dig down deep
Stop letting you in
Cos it makes me weep
I will tell my truth now
But not to you, cos
That would be stupid
And I ain't no fool
Hey, I'm an arse now!
And it sets me free
And I'm claiming it back-
Yeah, my right to be me


My inner teen just claimed author's rights to the above... 

 


Modified:  so sorry should have posted this separately in the poems section... didn't mean to be so crass!! .