Shame *TW*

[Dee]

I am very hesitant to post this, but I don't know where else I can talk about it.  So I am going to try here. 

I keep trying to write letters to my kids.  The plan was for me to write letters for them to read to disclose the abuse I suffered as a child to late teen.  Each time I start to write I have to stop.  I get that horrible feeling of wanting to die.  Telling them feels so painful and so horrible that it feels like death.  My kids are 17 and 20.

Sometimes, I write to my therapist when I can't speak things.  I drop off the letters in advance so I am not there when she reads it.  I wrote her to tell her how my letter writing to my kids is going.  Then I went on to tell her that she doesn't know the horrible things I did because I am afraid that she will never think of me the same.  I know her job isn't to judge and she doesn't, but I can't shake that ...if she only knew feeling....  I feel so horrible admitting even that much that I can't drop of the letter in advance.  I am so ashamed of admitting I did horrible things (no specifics at all) that I am afraid someone else might see it and know I am horrible.  Even thinking this gets that want to die feeling back.

I cannot think of any feeling I have ever felt that is worse.  Even fear or anger doesn't come close to this.  So now I will work on my five senses.  Distract myself from that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I have been doing so well at challenging negative thoughts and using positive coping skills that I can distract myself.  I just hate this wave of misery.

[Blueberry]

Dee,
Even if you think you did horrible things, it doesn't mean that you are horrible. The things might have been. But not you. It's like with children: they do bad things growing up, but they aren't innately bad themselves (unlike what most of our abusers told us).

FWIW when I can't write letters, it's because it's too early. There's something holding me back that needs more time - to become clear or to heal or something like that.

It's great that you're using the skills you learnt in T like using your 5 senses.  to you to maybe reduce your wave of misery just a little bit.

[sanmagic7]

dee, this concept triggered me so intensely, that i had to leave here for a bit, but i wanted to come back and share.  i don't have exactly the same experience as you, but i know the feeling of being ashamed because of my own contribution within the abuse.  i don't even know if that's what you're meaning here, but it's what came up for me.

when i was with that horrible t, she had me being involved with her on many different levels, in many different roles (the biggest were client, friend, confidante, and employee all at the same time).  my stomach is tightening up as i'm typing - it's very difficult, and i feel for you immensely and what you went thru.  i'm trying here to stay focused on 'it wasn't my fault', just as it wasn't your fault, no matter what you did.

i did things, like spying on other therapists with whom i was friends that she had working for her, listening to her about other clients, and feeling special, like i was on the inside of her one-woman clique.  i felt special, singled out in a way that i'd never felt before, and it felt very, very good.  i wanted more.

as a therapist now, i know how rotten that whole apple was, including my role in it.  however, and i checked this out with an ethics professor while i was getting my degree to become a therapist (i hadn't been one yet, but had been leading her therapeutic groups as if i was.  very special, indeed.  no one else but me.) about what degree of responsibility a client has in a therapeutic relationship for anything that might go on.  i was becoming curious, because more and more something was not feeling right within me.

he told me in no uncertain terms that the client is never at fault, ever, no matter if there is adult consent or whatever.  he went on to say that in any relationship where there is an imbalance of power, the one with the lesser power has no fault.  it is the responsibility of the person with the power to watch that nothing untoward goes on in the relationship.

this is what helped me to not only begin untangling myself from her dastardly web, but to see more clearly about the notion of fault.  i did things that should not have been done, but i was doing them to please her, to remain in her good graces, and to keep that special feeling.  they were wrong, they were bad, but i've come to know that i was not wrong, nor am i bad.

i don't know if this is anywhere near what you're talking about, dee, but it's what blammed me in the gut when i read what you said.  whatever you did, you were not to blame.  you were being manipulated by someone with more power.  you did what you felt was necessary in that relationship for whatever reason, but no matter what it was, it's not your fault.  you are not horrible - the person who put you in that situation did a horrible thing to you.  the relationship and the expectations were horrible.  you reacted the best way you knew how.

we have nothing to be ashamed of.  writing this out helped clear that feeling out of my gut.  o, that was shame.  it was horrible.  shame is horrible.  we are not.

gathering you in, dear dee.  cleansing tears just came to my eyes, and with them i'm upchucking (metaphorically) the shame.  angel wings around your shoulders to bring you some peace.

[Three Roses]

Sometimes the shame I feel is almost unbearable. I feel as if I should have known better than to do the things I did.

Then I think, If I had known better, I would not have done those things.

Sometimes I remember things that feel more like someone else did them while inhabiting my body.

I try to put someone else in the same scenario and see how I feel about seeing their actions. It puts a new light on things. I can have a ton of compassion for others; somehow I hold myself to a different standard.

I tell myself, I can either have compassion for others AND myself, or for no one. Anything else is hypocrisy.

Sometimes it helps to think these things.

[Dee]

San - you did exactly interpret what I was trying to say correctly. 

I feel like a child wanting to ask, what do I do now?  How can I get past this?  What if I am never ready?  I feel so helpless today.

I suspect the push for me to tell my kids is to help me get out of the shame; but what if I just can't tell them?

If there is anyone in the world I don't want to disappoint, it is my kids.  I can't do this.

[Dee]

I've decided to table telling my kids until my therapist returns from vacation.  The feelings are just too overwhelming.  I'm afraid I'll never be able to tell them, but more afraid of them finding out another way.  Pushing myself to write what I dread the most it isn't helping me right now.  Three Rs got it right.  It feels unbearable.  I started going down the path that death is preferable.  That is a big, red flag, to stop.  I know it is rooted in shame. 

[Three Roses]

Sorry, I had a shame attack and deleted my comment.

[Dee]

  

Three Rs  -You are right though.  If it were anyone but me I wouldn't feel the same.  Yet, sometimes I feel another person would not have done the same.  Somehow the rest of the world can get a pass, not me.

Even when I try to look at picture of little me I don't feel compassion.  I can't even write what I think.  So I try to look at pictures of my daughter.  It isn't the same.

Shame attack - I get that too well!

[Blueberry]

I've decided to table telling my kids until my therapist returns from vacation.  The feelings are just too overwhelming.  I'm afraid I'll never be able to tell them, but more afraid of them finding out another way.  Pushing myself to write what I dread the most it isn't helping me right now.  Three Rs got it right.  It feels unbearable.  I started going down the path that death is preferable.  That is a big, red flag, to stop.  I know it is rooted in shame.

Good on you for giving yourself more time and waiting till you have more support through your T. 

[sanmagic7]

dee. i'm glad that you are waiting for your t, as well.  i think there might be a middle ground here that you're not seeing right now. 

it does sound like you're not ready for this.  maybe it's because you haven't been able to process it for yourself as thoroughly as you need to.  i know you don't want your kids to find out about this on the internet, and maybe you're rushing yourself so that doesn't happen.

but, whatever happens, dee, it will be ok.  maybe not perfect, but it will be ok.   

after writing yesterday, i actually did a symbolic puking up of the shame i felt into my wastebasket.  it felt really good, and got rid of it.

to both you and 3 roses, all my compassion for what you went thru and what you continue to struggle with because of it.  this should never be your problem of any kind, not ever.  you were children, unable to think logically like an adult when an adult put you into a situation not of your making, nor of your choosing.  you had no fault in that.   the shame lies with the predator who took advantage of your youth and vulnerability.

i like that thought, 3 roses, and i agree it's a good one to keep in the forefront.   

you know, i was nearly 40 when this began with that icky t.  i was an adult, at least in years.  however, my vulnerability lay in my having no sense of myself.  she took advantage of that and began molding me in her image.   

that's what predators do.  they make us behave the way they want us to, make us do the things they want us to do, and sap us of our strength and spirit in the meantime.  they prey on the vulnerable because we are easier to manipulate.  we don't know any better, and aren't given a chance to learn.  that's also taken away from us.  taken.  we don't choose to give it.  they take it.

so we don't learn until the damage is already done.  but, we survive it, physically and mentally, by doing what's expected of us, stripping ourselves if we have to down to our bones, our souls in order that someday we are able to escape.

we need compassion from ourselves, i believe, in order to heal from these devastating experiences.  it can only truly work when we are able to see ourselves as we would see others in the same situation.   we were victimized, traumatized, and all that means.  we really did the best we could under horrific circumstances, no matter what we did.  we did it to survive.

and here we are, survivors.  we've come thru the worst, and are now given a chance to be ok with ourselves.  it takes time, it takes emotion, it takes support - it takes all the help we can get.  best to both of you with this.  i mean that sincerely.  i'm so sorry you have to go through this, and so angry at the people who put you into this situation.  hurting children like that - how dare they!  peace to you both, and hugs from someone who cares deeply. 

[Dee]

San - that was a beautiful post and it touched my heart.  It shows what a beautiful person you are.

[Elphanigh]

San, that was a wonderful post. I agree fully with Dee

Dee and Three roses, I am so sorry to know what you went through. You were both so small and no one should have taken advantage of that. At the same time that I say that I am also talking to myself. I am right there with you both in that experiences. I to have things I find myself at fault for that were not actually my fault.

Dee, I am really glad you are waiting until  your T gets back. It sounds like maybe you need to be kind to yourself. give yourself the grace of time to be ready to tell them in whatever form that takes. I can only imagine the bravery that working through this takes. Standing with you

[sanmagic7]

elphanigh, and anyone else who was taken advantage of when the had no voice, you are all included in the wish of peace for you and supportive hugs.

and, thank you elphanigh and dee, for your kind words.  it's only what i believe in my heart.   these are the people i reserve my hate for - the predators.  so much pain they've caused.  so much suffering.  i hate what they've done to all the little ones, either in age or in heart.  we were all hijacked of our innocence. 

[sinthia820]

Just a thought, maybe try working on your shame and blame? Without admitting what ever it is you are struggling to say.

Maybe use hypothetical similar stories with your therapist to gauge a reaction?

It's obvious you are afraid to admit what ever it is that you feel 'you did'. Start small, build up your comfort with talking about it. But if it's over whelming and it hurts to even imagine saying it in the middle of an empty field alone then stop!!! you're not ready! And that's okay!

I worked small, forgiving my self for little things. I'm a procrastinator this is a negative quality but should I be ashamed of it? No, it simply is a part of who I am, I can work on not procrastinating, try and be better, find tricks to accomplish things on time. But I except that it's part of me and it's not a bad thing! Start small! Forgive yourself of the little things. If your house is a little cluttery, if you ditched school when you were younger, if you lied to your boss about being sick when really you just wanted to go to a flea market. Start small! This helped me a lot!